So this is Christmas...

I have had the incredible blessing of spending Christmas this year in Laie, Hawaii, a quiet little town on the north shore of Oahu. There is so much I can and will share about my experience here but for today, let me say this:

There is such a special spirit here, a feeling you get from the people, the town, and the area. Life is simple - many homes are very modest and even run down. The roads are narrow, and the stores are few. Life is focused around family, faith, and cultural traditions. The feeling that resonates through all these things is one of welcome, inclusion, love, hope, and peace. Polynesian people treat you like an instant friend - they expect the best from people, and trust them until given a reason not to. They talk to strangers! They are always smiling and laughing and sharing stories. People on the mainland seem to do the opposite: you must prove yourself and earn trust before you can enter their 'world.'

I often talk of how much I love a green Christmas, having spent a few in Florida. But the warm temperatures are only the beginning of what makes Christmas so special here. It beats out the "magic" of Disney lights, shows, parades, and fireworks. It is a universal friendship and family that seems to cross over every cultural and societal barrier to bring the light of Christ to all.

Many call this feeling the Spirit of Aloha. Whatever it is, is is unique and beautiful, and it has made this Christmas season wonderful and distinct from any other. From handing out anonymous gifts of cash to needy families from Africa, Mongolia, the Philippines, India, and Vietnam, to feeding single students far away from their families a potluck Christmas lunch, it has been a special season indeed.

Photo by Mike Foley, PCC

Yet with all the lights wrapping the palm trees, and Christmas carol hulas, I can't help but think of that simple night over 2000 years ago when a young couple, full of faith, welcomed a very special child into the most poor and lowly of circumstances. His sacred, humble entrance into the world was just one of many ways the Savior taught us what really matters, and what true greatness is. And as that tiny babe grew to be a man, and took the literal weight of the world's pains, sorrows, weakness ad mistakes upon Him, he still maintained that quiet dignity and greatness in spite of circumstance.

May we all - at this wonderful time of year and everyday of our lives - remember the one who was willing to suffer all, so that we would not have to. May we live within the simple means and necessities we have, and be willing to share with those who don't. May we love without qualification, look for the best in others, and help them to along the way. May we do our best everyday to be a little better. And may we do it without seeking the praise and recognition of our fellow men, but instead in recognition and praise of the one man who made it all possible for us, by complete faith in His Father's plan for all his children.

Mele kalikimaka! Merry Christmas! God bless us, EVERY one!

I ♥ Orlando

A few weeks ago I went with some friends to my favorite place on the planet. It took some scrimping and saving, a whole lot of planning, plenty more improvising, and several exceptionally generous people. I felt so incredibly blessed to be there.

I know Florida is not for everyone. It really is strange how much I love it! It is the complete opposite of the cold, dry, land-locked, small-town I grew up in. But Orlando truly feels like home to me. Every time I visit I am reminded how hard it is to leave.

And here are a few reasons why:

• I can breath! I have terrible allergies and a deviated septum so between the humidity and the oxygen-rich, sea-level air, my lungs are so much happier in Florida.
• Spanish moss - everywhere. I realize that it is technically neither moss nor Spanish, and it's actually a parasite, but it looks so whimsical and romantic hanging from the trees... I just love it!
• There are lizards everywhere. Lizards are so stinkin' cool.

• SUNSHINE!! Vitamin D makes me happy.
• Even when it rains, it's still warm. Singing and dancing in the rain is a completely enjoyable experience there :)

• It never gets much colder than freezing, and even that's only a few times in the winter. If you can survive the melting summers, the rest of the year is thermalogical perfection!
• I just feel better there. Warm weather inspires me to work out more, eat less and choose lighter, healthier foods. My body is much happier when it is healthy and active.
• It is so green and lush and alive because the plants keep growing all year long. Green is kinda my favorite color and the eternal greenness makes me so happy!!
• Where else do you hear the rolling thunder of fireworks in the distance every single night?! Besides the nights you watch them from the dock of a private lake, or the beach of a Disney resort...

• Speaking of beaches, there is coastal access within an hour to the east or west. I love the feeling of sand between my toes, a sea breeze across my face and the sounds of waves crashing in my ears. It is honestly therapeutic for me!

• Florida is the only place where the further north you go, the further south you get! I love Southern accents, Southern manners, and good ol' fashioned hospitality.
• Fireflies....Seriously the most amazing creature ever.
• Florida skies! Because of all the moisture in the air, it is the lightning capital of the U.S. and the thunderstorms are amazing! Plus those scattered clouds make for incredible sunsets - with no mountains blocking the view ;)

• Good eats: Bahama Breeze, Seasons 54, Earl of Sandwich, Panera Bread, and the incomparable Dole Whip soft serve are all culinary treasures that are lacking in the west.

• Diversity. There are literally people there from all over the country and the world.
• Palm trees =Warm = Happiness
• Good people :) I still have so many awesome old friends there that love me for exactly the person I am, and so many new friends who keep things ever-evolving and interesting.
• Ummmm.... Walt Disney World. Need I say more?

I feel so blessed that I still have so many opportunities to go back to visit! Even though right now I can't live there full time, I am grateful for the Florida moments I still get, and for the people who make them magical. I enjoy every minute and every memory made! And I still have faith that some day I'll be able to go back to my second home - for good!

So many beautiful reasons I have to be happy!

After spending the day in a very happy place with some dear friends I simply love, I was thinking about how very blessed I am. And then I came across an article containing this quote from President Thomas S. Monson:

“A grateful heart … comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives,” said President Monson in a 2010 address. “This requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude. … When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.”

(For the entire statement, click here.)

It got me thinking about my current situation and attitude. At times I struggle with the seemingly endless wanderings of my life, the many unanswered questions and unaccomplished dreams. But then I think about all the incredible blessings I have been given, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

I have an incredible family who love, support, and challenge me.

I have amazing, talented, beautiful, and loving friends all over the world. And I have a computer and internet access to help me stay in touch with them!

I can dance, run, and play. I can taste yummy food and breathe in warm, wonderful smells. I have red hair and freckles :) My body is healthy and awesome!

I can communicate with people from many different backgrounds and cultures, and thereby share a little of their journey.

I am halfway done grad school and my journey to become a teacher!

I live in a safe, comfortable place. I have warm blankets and a space heater to keep me warm, and still have the opportunity to visit warmer climes occasionally.

And most importantly, I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, a personal relationship with my Savior and my Father in Heaven, and have been promised amazing blessings.

I am so blessed to be alive!! It makes me so grateful for each day and makes my heart happy! I only hope I can share all these fabulous blessings so that others can feel that love and have a happy heart too - regardless of what life has thrown their way.

So when you reach deep and look hard enough, what do you have to be thankful for?

Love at first sight

I fell in love tonight.

Literally, the moment I saw him, I loved him.

He smiled the moment our eyes met, and my heart melted.

He had perfectly round deep blue eyes and long, lovely eyelashes. His nose was this perfect little square, and his cheeks just glowed. He was just the right amount of pudgy without being obese. He was warm and cuddly and just made me feel amazing.

His name is Oliver and he is three months old... I hope his mama knows how lucky she is!

The big white envelope

So the boy got his mission call, and I got to be there when he opened it :) Drum roll please!.....................

He is going to the Lubbock Texas mission, Spanish-speaking, and he goes to the MTC October 26. It is perfect for him and he is leaving so soon which is also perfect! And now I understand why I needed to let him go when I did. He has just over a month to take care of all the final preparations for his mission, with a caring friend supporting - but not distracting - him. Such an exciting adventure to be a part of. Yay for missions!

The Lubbock, Texas temple of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

9/11

It was a typical Tuesday morning at BYU-Idaho. My roommate and best friend Jewell was giving me a ride  to class in her old, red mini-van. We couldn't find any good music on the radio. Every station was playing some news report. Then we stopped and listened, and the whole world changed forever.


Funny how you record significant moments like that in your mind. I can still see images of that day: the radio in the van, the chaotic campus, my distraught professor (whose husband was supposed to be flying out of DC that morning), watching the continuing news reports back in our apartment, a special devotional with our then college president, David A. Bednar....


I honestly didn't know what the World Trade Center was until it was destroyed. I was just a little Canadian girl away from home for the first time. I had never traveled outside of North America, nor to many places within it. I didn't even really know what my major would be. But I knew after that day I would never be the same.


We all know what happened on that fateful day in 2001, and all the policies, security measures, military operations, and other changes that have happened since. Suddenly a nation who felt untouchable was vulnerable. Suddenly the unthinkable happened. We could have wallowed in the shock and anguish and let it destroy us - I'm sure some did. And yet in the terror and misery of that day, and the trials of the years that followed, there was also an overwhelming sense of hope and unity that rose from the rubble. So many took that opportunity to step up to serve and strengthen those around them, whether it be in their own families and neighborhoods, or in battlefields abroad. It is what we do when the dust settles that truly defines us.


At first, I think the country did alright. The fear lingered for awhile, but eventually faith took over. We were more open to strangers, more grateful for family, and just happy to be alive another day. However, in the selfish struggles of our troubled economy and rocky political world today, have we forgotten the very values that this nation was established upon? Perhaps ten years ago the threat was from the outside, but it seems today that the worst enemy is on the inside. We are tearing down our great nation from within by living beyond our means, ignoring the needs of our neighbors, and neglecting the very values that brought us to where we are.


Though we don't usually make it that far, the third verse of the Star-Spangled Banner says:
"Oh, thus be it ever, when free men shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heaven-rescued land praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, and this be our motto "In God is our trust." 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave."


Beyond the battle of the first verse we sing over and over, the lesson is found in the continued diligence of standing up to injustice and desolation to protect our homes, our families, and our freedom - all the while recognizing the divine source of our peace and strength. I think today we have let the small worries and stresses distract us from what matters most. We have forgotten the God who helped establish this great nation in the first place, and let fear seep back into our lives.


With gratitude to all who were taken from us on 9/11/01 and to all who have given their lives in the name of peace and freedom since, I invite all to step up and stand up for what made America great. Let us do our part to stand up to the evils of the world, the attitudes of entitlement and selfishness in our society. May we remember the unity, mutual respect, and brotherhood that brought America to be and carried us through this, and many other tragedies. May we see the best in others and look beyond our own wants. And may we do so in the trust and faith of our God who, by whatever name you use for him, directs our lives and helps us find the purpose and joy in the chaos and misery. May we never forget, and never give up on that vision of what America can be!


** Addendum: This morning I found these quotes in this article from the On Faith section of the Washington Post. They seem to reiterate my sentiments exactly.

Religion scholar Karen Armstrong says it's time for religion to be a force for good. "Ten years on, the world is even more dangerously polarized and religion, for obvious reasons, religion is seen not as part of the solution but part of the problem."


"It seems that much of the post-9/11 renewal of faith has waned in the years that have followed," writes Thomas Monson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. "It should not require tragedy for us to remember God."


“There are three lessons to be learned from 9/11,” writes Rick Warren. “First, life is a gift that is fragile and brief. Whatever you are going to do with your life, you had better get it done. Second, everybody needs community. And thirdly, everybody has a spiritual hole in their heart that only God can fill.”

boyfriend

I really don't like that word. I don't know if it's the commitment it implies, or the label it boxes you into, or just how juvenile it sounds, but it usually takes me a while to use that term. Even then I prefer many other words to describe the guy I happen to be dating at the time.

Well, this summer I used that word fairly frequently, preceded by "my." Maybe it is because the guy I'm referring to is still a bit of a boy himself. He's a few months shy of 23, and if you read my birthday post a few months back, you know that is much younger than I am. Maybe it's because he made me feel great, so I was okay with the label. Either way, I suppose you are wondering why I am only now writing about this happy part of my life. Well this has been the most unique relationship I have ever experienced, and I guess I just didn't know how to put it into words before. So let me tell you the story:

Back in April I went to Moab, UT with some friends. At that point my life was falling apart a little and I was in a major funk. Even running away to California and chopping off my hair failed to cure me completely. While in Moab I met this boy, a friend of my friends. Actually I had seen him around before but didn't think much of it because he was noticeably younger and we had never really had common ground before. Well over the course of my adventures in Moab, this boy was funny, chivalrous and absolutely charming. When I was around him I felt like a million bucks. And in spite of our age difference, I found myself flirting with him. On my last night there, under an overcast night sky, he pulled out his smartphone with its constellation app and brought me the stars. I know right? How could you not fall for that?!

We continued to see each other back on the home front. Every time I went out with him I was hesitant and a little nervous, but when I was with him it felt good and happy. So I continued to see him. Then I found out that he had not served a mission (as in a full-time volunteer mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I am a very happy and devoted member). Typically young men serve missions when they are 19 years old, however at that point in his life this boy was working on Sundays and was busy being distracted by the unimportant things that seem so important when you are 19. By the time he came back to church, he just avoided the question of a mission, and carried on with excuses for years. Never good excuses mind you, but they were numerous nonetheless.

Now I did not want to be one of those silly girls who shuns a boy simply because he hasn't served a full-time mission. There are plenty of good guys who have not served for perfectly legitimate reasons. However, the more time I spent with this boy, the more I saw that he didn't really have any legitimate reasons. He was not only able-bodied and intelligent, but he loved the gospel, had a personal testimony of Jesus Christ, and he was always the first one to step up and serve. He was so full of love - for everyone! I couldn't understand why someone so good would not be willing to obey the prophet's call to serve. So one day I asked him.

But it was not easy. By this time I had become somewhat attached to this boy, and I knew that by having this conversation I ran the risk of no longer seeing him. Having served a mission myself, I knew how amazing it could be - not only for oneself but for all the incredible people you have the opportunity to meet, teach, and serve. Fortunately, I was not the only one thinking about missions. It turns out the boy thought about it every day. And though he said it "wasn't for him" or he "felt no push to serve," he had always known he would. He was letting fear hold him back. My words of encouragement, combined with a healthy dose of spiritual confirmation, helped him make the decision that would change his life forever - to serve a mission. It wasn't me, it was simply time. And I was fortunate enough to be part of the process.

From that point our relationship accelerated quickly - a little too quickly perhaps. With that concern gone and so much positive spirit in all our interactions, it was pure bliss!! And what an exciting thing to be a part of! I helped him prepare his missionary papers, make the necessary appointments, and start studying more intensely the restored gospel that he would soon be teaching.

It was amazing to see the changes in him. Over the months that followed he became more confident and full of faith. He learned to let go of fear and insecurities, and trust in the plan the Lord had prepared for him. He began to think less of what he would be leaving behind, and more of who he would encounter and what he would experience while giving his life to God for 2 years. Now this is not to say that there haven't been a few freak-out moments. There have been unexpected delays and detours along the way. But just a few days ago those papers were submitted and the boy will soon be a missionary.

Awesome right?! Definitely! But where does that leave this chica? Well that is what has been the most unique and I suppose challenging part of all this excitement. As I am not getting any younger (LOL I'm fine, really!), we have both agreed that I shouldn't sit at home waiting for him. In fact he is convinced that while he is gone some dude is going to finally see the light and marry me (his faith is much stronger than mine in this regard). Though I plan to support him either way, it is just a strange position to be in. I am dating someone with whom I know I do not have a future (except for maybe hypothetically in a couple of years), and really, we cannot progress beyond the friendship and affection we have for one another at this point. For a girl who is all about progress, that means trouble. No progress means stagnation. No bueno!

Sometimes I think about how different we are and wonder what on earth we are doing. Sometimes I think about the obligations that lie ahead of us individually and wonder why I am postponing the inevitable moment that will pull us apart. Sometimes I think about my seemingly endless estrangement with the blessed institution of marriage and wonder how I will ever find my forever - especially if I am currently holding onto something destined to end. It seems I have become an expert at helping men find their next step in life and then they leave me behind...

However, I know there is a reason for everything. Maybe I am just preparing every man I date to be a wonderful husband to the lucky girl he ends up marrying. At least I'm good at something!  Maybe I have had my heart broken, and sadly, broken the hearts of others more often than I can count. At least I have loved! Maybe I am setting us both up for misery when the end inevitably comes. At least I followed my heart.

I suppose I could try to date someone with more life experience, a little closer to my age, but all those I dated in the past came with major commitment issues and just left me feeling used. Or I could date someone more outgoing and assertive, but they always steal the spotlight, leave me in the shadows, and make me feel inferior.

Though he is far from perfect and we are so very different, this boy has been nothing but good to me. He redeemed my faith in men and helped me believe in my own worth again. On the outside he may seem quiet, uninteresting, or even boring. He is no movie star or competitive athlete, but he has his own attractiveness. Others may not see it, but with me he is funny, sincere, strong, passionate, and determined. I wish the whole world could see how wonderful he is! I think that is part of what makes him so great. He is full of surprises you have to be willing to discover. And for some reason, he let me in.

I may not end up marrying this boy, but I still love him. It's not the silly Hollywood love you see in the commercials and swoon over in romantic comedies. I love his soul. I love the person he is and the man he is striving to become. I love his silly sense of humor and his occasional naivety. I love the goodness of his heart and his willingness to learn. I feel like he is my friend first and foremost, and if he cares for me like I do for him that will never change, despite who we end up marrying - or not.

I know the time is coming soon when we will have to part ways, not simply because of the departure of a missionary, but for the growth and learning of two good people who want to become their best. I have taken on an intense master's program and am working towards a career that will be (at least for now) my life's focus. He will soon be serving a full-time mission which means emotional, physical, and spiritual preparation and some major sacrifice. He doesn't need the 'what ifs' of a relationship distracting him or holding him back.

I get that. Progression is the purpose for this life. I'm trying to be mature and logical about it. When I am away from him and stressed out with school and my many responsibilities, I see that very clearly. But it is still so hard to let him go.

Because when I am with him, the stress goes away for a while. I feel safe. I feel appreciated. I feel beautiful. I feel loved. When I am with him I can just be myself: the good, the bad, and the silly. He sees me for who I am and who I am trying to become. And though I think he is crazy, he loves me anyway. Even when I am too independent and too assertive. Even with all my exotic adventures, foreign languages, and crazy dreams. Even with my monthly mood swings and impatience with the world. He just loves me.

I haven't found the answer for when or how this will all make sense. I plan to carry on as I have all along, prayerfully following the inspiration that comes to my heart and mind. No matter what comes ahead, this moment we have shared meant something. If for no other reason than to save a girl from herself and help a boy step up to serve, it has been worthwhile. Heartache included.

**I wrote that just over a week ago. Tonight I let him go, shattering two hearts in the process. I don't fully understand why, but I did what I felt was right, even though "right" also feels a lot like misery right now.

(I know that was long, so thank you for sticking with it if you actually made it to the end. Consider it 4 months-worth of blogging in one post - and the lifespan of an incredible relationship. It means so much more than one post can express though. Thank you for validating it with your time.)

Amen :)

An update: My little brother, the missionary!

Stephen finally made it to the MTC and I got to take him there! (For the back story, click here.) He flew into Salt Lake City on March 2, I picked it up, and we went shoe shopping, got lunch, and I drove him down to Provo to drop him off. It was pretty funny to see people's reactions at an elder hanging out alone with a girl, though we tried to make it obvious that I was his big sister :) It was really fun for me to visit the MTC again, and since we arrived a little later in the day and he had already been serving, I got to go inside for a bit. Good times!!

A few weeks later, Stephen made it to his first area, Riverton, UT, and last week I got to take him to lunch (his mission president is fine with sibling visits as long as it's in his area and under an hour). He is still as happy as ever to be serving the Lord, and his trainer seems to be a great match for him. It is truly amazing what love and dedication these young men have, even though they are still silly boys.

I continue to be amazed with every visit and email from Stephen. He is so dedicated, so humble, so mature, and he has this incredibly positive perspective on life, service, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and good ol' hard work. What an inspiration!!

Separating the Men from the Boys

It amazes me how guys with college degrees and careers can be so immature. They are so self-focused that they completely miss so many good experiences and friendships. They clam up and avoid people instead of just communicating and dealing with simple conflict. They run from anything remotely resembling commitment, throw their own little pity parties, and make excuses. In their late twenties, early thirties, or even forties and fifties, they are just boys.

However, I have also been so impressed by the men who are pursuing personal goals and working hard, while also taking time to recognize and address the needs of others. They realize that there is more to life than their own perspective and they see the value in serving, strengthening, and lifting others. These are men, and they are of all ages. In fact, I was blown away by the maturity, kindness, and diligence of a young man I met recently, and he is only 18!

It is fascinating to me how wonderful I feel in the presence of some guys, and how frustrated and even insignificant I feel with others. So much is said about the true character of a man by the way he interacts with other people. The difference between a boy and a man is rarely in his age, but in his maturity, demonstrated by the faith, respect, self-lessness, courage, consideration, and love shown in his daily conduct.

For example:



Wow.... the wisdom of a 13-year-old.

Age is relative. I of all people know this well. I just wish more boys would step out of their own heads long enough to recognize the value they can add to the world around them by choosing to become the great men they have every potential to be - regardless of their age.

It's a sign...

Pretty sure my orchid died.

Go figure.


(Don't worry; I'm laughing, not crying.)

"If ever you are tempted to become discouraged or to lose faith, remember those faithful Saints who remained true in Kirtland. Hold on a little longer. You can do this! You are part of a special generation. You were prepared and preserved to live at this important time in the existence of our beautiful planet earth. You have a celestial pedigree and therefore have all the necessary talents to make your life an eternal success story."

--Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It's that time again...

People often make comments about my lovely, thick, naturally red hair, and how men prefer girls with long hair. Well sometimes I just want people to love me for me, and not for my hair. I want my personality to shine, not my locks. I want people to see who I really am, not what everyone else says I should be.

So it is gone, and after a few weeks of getting used to it I love it! I love the surprised looks and comments - it's amazing how the shock of a drastically different do makes boys treat you differently... And I feel sassy again! And refreshed, energized, released, and empowered. Yay for short hair!

A courageous, valiant man and his inspirational message

I think I'm experiencing a little of that vertigo now, but fortunately I know where to look for guidance.

A change'll do you good

It's amazing how my life seems to go in cycles. The past couple months have been an emotional roller coaster. Literally, it has been filled with thrills, disappointments, excitement, encouragement, triumphs, rejection, tough choices and sweet moments. And somehow in the midst of all that confusion I have found a deeper commitment and happiness on a spiritual level. I have never felt so loved and valued by my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I also have an incredibly strong and supportive family, and their loving words of advice and encouragement have been invaluable to me.

In spite of the parts of life that are painful, frustrating, and befuddling, I know I am so very blessed! To mark a bit of a turning point, and stepping off the metaphorical roller coaster, I am  making some changes and starting fresh!

First of all, I chopped off my hair again. It was long enough to donate to Locks of Love and I just needed the change. It's sassy, drastically different, and so quick and easy to style. Love it!

Then on Saturday I threw some stuff in my car and drove to California for spring break. The timing couldn't have been better - except maybe with the weather forecast... Anyway, I am so grateful for this time to catch with some wonderfully kind friends, not to mention some extra time for rest, working out, beach therapy, and of course, a day at Disneyland.

I was already sensing this change was in the works for the past couple weeks, and after some pivotal events I am so ready for a whole lot of difference in my world. And it's just in time too - I still have half a semester to save the grades I have only been haphazardly working for so far this semester. I just hope this change is what I need to pick up the crumbled bits of my life and figure out what my next step is. Can't hurt to try right?

Baby Ache

When I was back home in October, I had a brief visit with my brother. He is happily married and they have an adorable little boy. I love the fun little family they are building :) Well, I was asking about my nephew and feeling sad for all his 'growing up' that I am missing out on, and he made a comment about how I need to get some kids of my own.

Tell me about it.

I would love to be a mom! I love little ones! From birth to around the time teenage retardation hits, they just fascinate me! (after that, things just get a little more challenging.lol) I love to talk with them, play with them, hold, comfort, and clean up after them. There is just so much happiness and love in every child! A few months ago my friends lost their 5-day-old baby, and although his passing was so very sad, even in his brief life you could feel so much overpowering love!

So yes, I would love to be a mother. I'd love to have my own little people to care for, connect with, and teach. I would love to wake up at 3am to feed my baby. I'd love to change diapers and chase toddlers. I'd love to wipe away tears and listen to stories.

Unfortunately, parenthood is not something I can do alone.

I mean, technically, I could - but I couldn't. Parenthood is an adventure meant for two; an experience to be shared with my best friend and love of my life. Since I haven't quite figured out who that is yet, I am still years away from the exhaustion and exhilaration of raising my own children.

In the meantime I am so grateful to good friends who share little glimpses of the precious gift they enjoy every day. There is the spunky 7-year-old daughter of a bishopric member. The sweet new babies and toddlers my friends bring along when we visit. The beautiful photos of growth and progress on their blogs. The smiles of random babies in the grocery store. These amazing little people just make my heart so happy!!

All I can say is that is what life is about. There is no better feeling in the world than calming a troubled child and having them fall asleep in your arms. No sound is sweeter than baby laughter, and no compliment more sincere than one from a child. There is so much love in such simple things!

And perhaps no ache is so painful as the empty arms of a would-be mother. I've felt this way for so long, and yet the older I get, the more complicated it seems to be to put all the pieces in place for this dream to become a reality.

I am so grateful for the little glimpses of family love. I'm grateful for the kind, faithful examples of my friends who are experiencing parenthood - many after a long wait of their own. They inspire me and give me hope for my own future. (this is my nephew when he was about 3 months old and one very happy auntie - someday I hope to smile like that for my own kids)

But that's about all I can do for now - keep hoping, trusting, and putting one foot in front of the other. I cherish the beautiful moments I have with these precious little ones, and look forward to a time when I can experience the adventure of motherhood for myself. Some day...

Starting fresh

A few years ago a nice boy I was dating gave me a beautiful orchid plant. I love orchids so this made me very happy. Unfortunately, I didn't love the boy quite as much as I loved the orchid and things didn't work out (don't worry, he is happily married now and we are still friends).

Well not long after that, the blossoms fell of my orchid, as they do on an orchid's normal growth cycle. But no flowers ever grew back! Even a year later, nothing.

Around that time, my roommate started dating Captain Amazing and he gave her a huge, beautiful orchid plant full of gorgeous, colorful blossoms. When I was griping about my stagnant plant one day she said, "Don't worry Amy, some day your orchid will bloom." And suddenly the orchid became a metaphor for my love life.

When I left Florida, my orchid plant was put in the care of a friend, handed off a few times and eventually was more or less forgotten out on the patio (kind of similar to how my heart was treated over the past couple years). And that is where I rescued it from during my Christmas visit.

By then my poor little orchid was down to one tiny green leaf and a couple root shoots. It was so sad but still alive so I determined to take it home with me and bring it back to it's full glory. Well the plane ride was a little rough on my orchid, and after a few sad days at home, I decided it was time to put it out of its misery.

And suddenly the symbolism of my little orchid plant came back to me. It really was time to let go of this orchid and all the emotional scars that went with it. Here was this beat up little plant, full of so many sordid memories, neglected and forgotten by so many, and yet I was trying to keep the poor thing alive. Instead of waiting for an old, dead love to bloom, I needed to find a new one. So I finally let it all go.

A few days ago I bought myself a new orchid. It is bright yellow-green with splashes of vibrant purple. It is healthy, beautiful and full of life! This new plant is a symbol for a fresh, hopeful start to my life in love and relationships. And the best part is that I made that mental, emotional, and symbolic change entirely of my own accord.

I love my new orchid and all the possibilities it represents. I feel energized and refreshed and full of hope! I know that someday soon my life will bloom just like my orchid and someone will see the unique beauty in me. And on Valentine's day, that is exactly what a fabulous single gal should feel :)

Elder Stephen Harper

Today my baby brother became a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Obviously, he is no longer a baby at all! In fact, I am so incredibly proud of the young man he has become. Even in the past couple months he has matured so much.

It has been a long road for Stephen to get out on his mission. He has worked full-time since he graduated to cover the entire expense of his mission. He had all sorts of delays in submitting his paperwork in the first place, and then had to wait about 4 months to receive his call. When it finally came in September, he was called to serve in the Salt Lake City-South mission and would go to the MTC on January 19 (yep, my birthday!.) I think he was just so ready to serve and had waited so long that he was happy to go anywhere!

So he waited patiently, worked, played, and continued to help out the missionaries in our home branch in preparation for his service. Then he quit his job just before Christmas to enjoy the holidays and some down time before heading out.

However, his visa didn't come. That's right, my awesome Canadian brother had problems getting a visa to serve in Salt Lake City. Which only added to my love for United States Customs and Immigration (arrrgghhhhh!!). Since it still had not come through as of January 19, my parents and their stake president decided to be proactive. So last night Stephen was set apart as a full-time missionary in the Edmonton Canada mission and today he jumped into his first transfer. The idea is that when his visa finally goes through he will then go to the Missionary Training Center, and carry on to his mission in Salt Lake, but who knows how long that will take? So in the meantime, he is ready to serve wherever he is needed.

That is just the kind of guy Stephen is. He is smart, funny, and independent but he is always willing to help. That is why he wants to share the greatest gift we have - the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I know he will bless the lives of every person he comes into contact with. The Edmonton mission is lucky to have him!

I was 9 when Stephen was born. My name was one of his first words, and I was kind of like a second mom for the first few years of his life. I LOVE my brother so much! Although I have been gone from home for several years, I got to spend most of last year getting to know the amazing young man he has become, and I loved every minute of it. I am so impressed by his dedication, his patience, and his amazing love. I miss him already, but I know he is safe and needed in the service of the Lord. And hopefully he will soon be in his actual mission - which just happens to be exactly where I live :)

God speed brother! I will be thinking of you and praying for you every day!

Amy it's your birthday! Happy birthday Amy!

Today I woke up to a call from my parents, singing happy birthday to me. Then a text from one of my best friends, followed by several other texts, calls and of course, the countless facebook greetings. Though a minor snowstorm on the east mountains threatened to ruin my day, the sun shone brightly in the west (Yet another metaphor for my life...for another day perhaps) I ate delicious Brazilian BBQ and caramel chocolate cake - served by a yummy blue-eyed Brazilian waiter ;) And I was serenaded by one of my favorite men :) All in all, it was a lovely day.

29 years... That's a long time to be alive! I feel like I am a real adult today. I know, took me long enough, right? But don't worry, I sure won't stop having fun! And I still don't feel old, I just feel like this is some sort of turning point - the last year of my twenties...

For right now, I am simply grateful to be alive, to be young (relatively), healthy and happy.

I am thankful for an incredible family - both as individuals and together. They teach me, inspire me, and love me in spite of myself. I love them more than words could ever say.

I am thankful for friends who truly care about me and want me to be happy. I am thankful for goofy looks, warm hugs, heartfelt laughs, and honest conversation. I am thankful for uplifting music to both sing and dance along to. I am thankful for good food.

For once I am not looking back over what I have accomplished in my life; I am looking forward to the possibilities of what is to come. I am enjoying all the happy little things that brighten my life right now. And I am completely inspired and strengthened, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically, by the goodness in my life and the promised blessings that await me.

The fun part of having a birthday so close to the new year is that your resolutions overlap a little, with the new calendar year and another year in your life. I feel so good about this next year! Good things have already happened, great things are happening every day, and amazing things I cannot even fathom at this point will most certainly take my breath away. The hope I have been feeling and building on this past year has certainly filled me, and now I feel it leading me to another simple, yet elusive word.

Happiness - even as a single 29-year-old. I'm going to make this year all about the little happy things :) Hurray for another year in the adventure of life! Happy birthday to me!!

Just kidding :)

Ok so maybe I should rescind that last post. Because as much as things aren't happening exactly the way I imagined, they are still happening! There is progression, albeit slow, and life is far from the dismal state I described. For someone whose motto is to "take things one day at a time" I was getting way ahead of myself. I'm pretty sure I was also fending off a strange combination of seasonal depression and PMS... So please forgive my little rant and allow me to refer back to my wonderful word of the year - HOPE.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: "Real hope keeps us 'anxiously engaged' in good causes even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard. Likewise, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination—not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to 'endure … well' to the end."

Instead of allowing myself to dream and hope, I have been minimizing my feelings for the sake of self-preservation. I was allowing fear to run the show and kill my faith. While watching a movie tonight, I heard these wordsa as if they were spoken directly to me:

"You are afraid hurt will happen to you again... Only way to heal is to trust. This ok. To have broken heart mean you have try for something."
(Ketut the medecine man, Eat, Pray, Love)

Apparently this relationship is simply part of another lesson in faith and patience. And goodness knows they cannot thrive where there is fear! My daily life is full of happy, unpredictable moments, and I am learning to embrace and enjoy them all.

"Besties"

(WARNING: It's been awhile since I've been so honest or down on here, but this is just that. I just needed to express it. Thanks for putting up with my momentary melancholy.)

Over the past few years especially, I have noticed a trend among many people that I care about. I realize that dating is a complicated thing anyway, but this trend is a very common, confusing, and difficult situation to deal with. I like to refer to it as "Besties" syndrome. Let me 'splain....

You know how great it is when a guy and a girl just get along, and enjoy each other's company, and hang out all the time? Yeah, it's awesome! From the outside, they look perfect for each other and everyone thinks they are dating, then wonders why they aren't. They share conversations, laughs, and food. Throw in compatibility, respect, and friendship and life is wonderful!  If all these elements are present and there also happens to be a mutual attraction between the two, well, the rest is history. But there's a tricky little word in there... friendship. When one of the people feels an attraction while the other simply considers it a great 'friendship,' that is when we find a case of "Besties." They are the best of friends, but it stops there.

It happens both ways, but most of the time I see it with an adoring girl as the victim. She bends over backwards doing nice things for him: baking him cookies, making him dinner, being available whenever he needs her, and being pretty much an amazing friend. What guy wouldn't love that? And after all, it isn't that he doesn't care at all about his friend. Occasionally, he even returns a few kind gestures. He just doesn't like her 'that way.' Simply put, he's not attracted to her. So essentially she has fallen in love alone. However, she is still pouring her soul into the relationship, clinging to the minuscule possibility that he might someday realize he's in love with her too.

I hate this. It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at once. I realize that sometimes the admired doesn't recognize the obvious signs of devotion. I don't think he means to string her along and hurt her. Sometimes he doesn't realize how much his 'friend' really loves him. However before long it becomes so obvious to everyone else, and he has got to know. Then why doesn't he say something? Yes, it is a tough, often awkward conversation to have, but isn't it kinder to let her down now than to let this admiration carry on and build for months and even years?!?

Goodness knows the admirer won't ever initiate that conversation. She would rather cherish whatever time and attention he gives her than chance scaring him away with an honest conversation, and possibly not having him in her life at all. And hence why the friends on the outside get so frustrated watching this imbalanced relationship.

Unfortunately, I have recently noticed myself slipping slowly into this same situation. The independent woman in me wants to ignore my feelings of vulnerability and self-doubt and just play the 'friend' cuz that is good enough. The many-times-rejected girl in me is afraid to care, and is holding back just enough to feel like I still have some sort of control over the situation. And the hopeless dreamer in me seems to think that somewhere beneath his neutral demeanor, he secretly wants me too...

If you can imagine, it's a little tulmultuous in my head right now, and my heart is a hot mess!

What's worse, he once built my hope up with flirtation and compliments and lingering hugs that seem to have gone the way of the dodo. I don't think there is any more discouraging feeling of rejection than being treated indifferently by someone who once made you feel sexy, beautiful, unique, important and desirable. What makes a heart-melting hug disappear? I wish I knew why he is so different yet I feel so much more of the same. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he feel what I feel? Will anyone ever feel that for me...?

I don't really know what to do, but I know I can't let myself fall into the habits that pain me so much with my friends. I guess someday soon I'll have to have that awkward conversation and force myself to let him go... but for now, I just really love being his friend - but not his "bestie."