Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's that time again...


People often make comments about my lovely, thick, naturally red hair, and how men prefer girls with long hair. Well sometimes I just want people to love me for me, and not for my hair. I want my personality to shine, not my locks. I want people to see who I really am, not what everyone else says I should be.

So it is gone, and after a few weeks of getting used to it I love it! I love the surprised looks and comments - it's amazing how the shock of a drastically different do makes boys treat you differently... And I feel sassy again! And refreshed, energized, released, and empowered. Yay for short hair!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A courageous, valiant man and his inspirational message



I think I'm experiencing a little of that vertigo now, but fortunately I know where to look for guidance.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A change'll do you good

It's amazing how my life seems to go in cycles. The past couple months have been an emotional roller coaster. Literally, it has been filled with thrills, disappointments, excitement, encouragement, triumphs, rejection, tough choices and sweet moments. And somehow in the midst of all that confusion I have found a deeper commitment and happiness on a spiritual level. I have never felt so loved and valued by my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I also have an incredibly strong and supportive family, and their loving words of advice and encouragement have been invaluable to me.

In spite of the parts of life that are painful, frustrating, and befuddling, I know I am so very blessed! To mark a bit of a turning point, and stepping off the metaphorical roller coaster, I am  making some changes and starting fresh!

First of all, I chopped off my hair again. It was long enough to donate to Locks of Love and I just needed the change. It's sassy, drastically different, and so quick and easy to style. Love it!

Then on Saturday I threw some stuff in my car and drove to California for spring break. The timing couldn't have been better - except maybe with the weather forecast... Anyway, I am so grateful for this time to catch with some wonderfully kind friends, not to mention some extra time for rest, working out, beach therapy, and of course, a day at Disneyland.

I was already sensing this change was in the works for the past couple weeks, and after some pivotal events I am so ready for a whole lot of difference in my world. And it's just in time too - I still have half a semester to save the grades I have only been haphazardly working for so far this semester. I just hope this change is what I need to pick up the crumbled bits of my life and figure out what my next step is. Can't hurt to try right?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Baby Ache

When I was back home in October, I had a brief visit with my brother. He is happily married and they have an adorable little boy. I love the fun little family they are building :) Well, I was asking about my nephew and feeling sad for all his 'growing up' that I am missing out on, and he made a comment about how I need to get some kids of my own.

Tell me about it.

I would love to be a mom! I love little ones! From birth to around the time teenage retardation hits, they just fascinate me! (after that, things just get a little more challenging.lol) I love to talk with them, play with them, hold, comfort, and clean up after them. There is just so much happiness and love in every child! A few months ago my friends lost their 5-day-old baby, and although his passing was so very sad, even in his brief life you could feel so much overpowering love!

So yes, I would love to be a mother. I'd love to have my own little people to care for, connect with, and teach. I would love to wake up at 3am to feed my baby. I'd love to change diapers and chase toddlers. I'd love to wipe away tears and listen to stories.

Unfortunately, parenthood is not something I can do alone.

I mean, technically, I could - but I couldn't. Parenthood is an adventure meant for two; an experience to be shared with my best friend and love of my life. Since I haven't quite figured out who that is yet, I am still years away from the exhaustion and exhilaration of raising my own children.

In the meantime I am so grateful to good friends who share little glimpses of the precious gift they enjoy every day. There is the spunky 7-year-old daughter of a bishopric member. The sweet new babies and toddlers my friends bring along when we visit. The beautiful photos of growth and progress on their blogs. The smiles of random babies in the grocery store. These amazing little people just make my heart so happy!!

All I can say is that is what life is about. There is no better feeling in the world than calming a troubled child and having them fall asleep in your arms. No sound is sweeter than baby laughter, and no compliment more sincere than one from a child. There is so much love in such simple things!

And perhaps no ache is so painful as the empty arms of a would-be mother. I've felt this way for so long, and yet the older I get, the more complicated it seems to be to put all the pieces in place for this dream to become a reality.

I am so grateful for the little glimpses of family love. I'm grateful for the kind, faithful examples of my friends who are experiencing parenthood - many after a long wait of their own. They inspire me and give me hope for my own future. (this is my nephew when he was about 3 months old and one very happy auntie - someday I hope to smile like that for my own kids)


But that's about all I can do for now - keep hoping, trusting, and putting one foot in front of the other. I cherish the beautiful moments I have with these precious little ones, and look forward to a time when I can experience the adventure of motherhood for myself. Some day...