hmmmm...

Do you ever see people who are just naturally beautiful? I'm not talking about people in magazines or celebrities. Those pics are all photo-shopped anyway.

Sometimes I see pictures of people I know and it just blows my mind how beautiful they are. Flawless skin; perfect bright smiles; stylish, healthy hair; eyes that seem to pierce your soul, or even great body shape are all things I struggle with. I mean, I clean up alright, but on the average day I am not beautiful. I am pale and have terrible skin, slightly stained teeth and a crooked smile. I'm fit and healthy, but I'm short and certainly not super curvy. I love my golden-brown eyes and red hair, but I've always felt my sass and personality had to make up for what I lacked in physical appeal.

I know that we each have our own brand of beauty, and I know I'm not ugly, but I have some really beautiful friends. It's intimidating. And every so often I see a photo and just think, "Wow, she/he is so beautiful!"

It shouldn't make me any less attractive, but sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror and think that about the girl staring back.

What I've been up to in Canada

What does one do when they are unexpectedly living at home again with very few of their own belongings and no definite plans for the future? Well, let me tell you!

• Re-learn to be Canadian: I have gained a new appreciation for my non-aggressive, non-popularity based government. I've sung my national anthem several times and cried every time. I could walk into basically any job I want and the minimum wage is almost $9. And they didn't treat me like crap at the border. CANADA ROCKS! (however, I don't intend to adopt this accent again, and I like saying "y'all")
• Submit resumes and job applications: Still have no clue where I'm headed so I'm sending them all over the country. And I'm still working on the french one.... yeah I know, its been like a month, but I had to translate and reformat, and I have resume anxiety anyway!
• Become an internet-aholic: I now have plenty of time to blogstalk, keep up with my friends on facebook, email people I haven't replied to in eons, cry over websites of concerts I have to miss(Jason I still love you!), find new concerts to fill the void(thank you Natasha), research grad schools I may never attend, find jobs in foreign countries, apply to be an EFY counselor - again, look up flights I can't take, and laugh at the weeks best and worst dressed on the red carpet.
• Cook and eat - a lot: I actually have time to cook! My parents have a pantry full of things waited to be experiemented with. Plus we like fun meals. Had raclette - my favorite french meal - last week, Dad made ratatouille this week, and of course, steak on the grill. Mmmm I love Alberta beef. And nanaimo bars! America is missing out.
• Work out: Yeah baby! There's this awesome community center that opened about a year ago, and has an awesome gym like unto the facilities at BYU-I, but bigger and with an indoor track. It's only ten minutes from my house but it usually takes me a while to motivate myself to go out in the cold to get there. Getting a membership helped. So my bod is NOT getting flaby fat and lazy, and my mood is generally up:) Plus, I have to get a head start before I go back to Orlando and eat myself crazy for the holidays and saying goodbye to my favorite restaurants.
• Watch movies: I have seen 14 movies, two at my Dad's movie theatre. Some were for the first time, some are old favorites. Passchendaele (a Canadian war movie starring, written and directed by my favorite Canadian actor, Paul Gross. He is so beautiful... and talented too), The Best Two Years, While You Were Sleeping, Head Over Heels (I forgot how completely adorable Freddie Prince, jr is!), Journey to the Center of the Earth (the remake. It had too much CGI for me), The Terminal (Tom Hanks is awesome), Hairspray(!!!), French Kiss (I love Paris!!! J'arrive!), Kate and Leopold, The Perfect Man, South Pacific (another remake. Almost good but... not quite. Although Harry Connick, jr is very easy on the eyes - and shirtless), The City of Ember (and now I'm reading the book cuz it intrigued me), In Search of the Castaways(the old Disney movie with Hailey Mills and Maurice Chevalier - unlikely, yet fun), and Sunset Boulevard (classic film, but creepy and rather depressing).
• Get spiritual: I gave a talk at an awesome baptism last week and got to teach Relief Society this week. Plus we got the conference Ensign. Yay for extra study time!
• Home renovations: I have painted, installed drywall, and will soon learn to tile. Oh yeah.
• SHOP! Since I had very few clothes with me, and most are for warmer weather, I had a great excuse to go shopping. I got a wool peacoat, boots, sweaters, long-sleeve shirts, gloves, and new running shoes - to support the gym membership. And even though I totally love shopping, I haven't done much for several months so it's been fun.

Being marooned in the frozen north has its perks. Mostly thanks to my amazing parents. They have been so generous and supportive. And my extended family has been so encouraging; it's been really fun to catch up with everyone. I'm keeping busy in spite of my situation and my stress level is surprisingly low. I am so very blessed!

Oh yeah, in case anyone was wondering...

To follow up with "Superman," I'm way over it and have moved on. Even seemingly perfect men have to put forth effort and be consistent. Sparratic phone calls just didn't cut it. But worry not! I learned so much about myself and again, what really matters in life, and now I'm in a great situation, romantically speaking.

Woes of a Canadian Floridian

It has been a LONG time since I've updated. And it has been an especially rocky couple weeks.

A few of you may have heard rumors about me recently, so here's the deal: I am currently at my parents' in Lloydminster, Alberta, Canada, and will be for the next while. I had a little drama at the border a couple weeks ago and was refused entry to the US. I know that sounds ridiculous to most of you, cuz well, it is. The border patrol decided that I had spent too much time in the US in the past year, and not enough time in Canada so they wouldn't let me across. It was so shocking cuz I've never had any problems before. It was frustrating and humiliating:( But thanks to great family and good ol' Westjet, I made it home to my parents in one piece just a couple days later.

So that leaves me a little lost as far as my next steps. With my limited options in the US, I had already been looking to move back to Canada around February. This was a much more sudden and forced move, which is why I've had such a hard time with it. Now that I've calmed down a bit and at least have a little stability, I think this might have been God's way of kicking me into gear and forcing me to make some decisions now, instead of just playing all my time away in Orlando. I see now that I was just postponing the inevitable. But it's still sad and I really miss florida. I'm freezing!

So anyway, all that being said, my original goals have not changed much, except that now I have some deadlines to work towards and more concrete plans. The tentative game plan I finally came up with is: stay here and work for my dad for a month. Its better money and free rent, plus its always good to do some work for the man who keeps you afloat. Then I will spend most of december in Orlando, playing with my family and saying goodbye to my friends. I should be fine to go back down to visit. After that things get a little sketchy, but I'm gonna try to go work at Disneyland Paris for a few months to brush up on my french, visit with friends from my mission, and maybe even travel some more. Then I'll come home to regroup before making the move to Vancouver or Calgary maybe. I will get a job at a hotel, or the airport, or for the Olympics, where i can use my french and make some decent money. I still have a hard time getting my brain around settling in Canada after spending most of the past 8 years in the US, however I know all things happen for a purpose and that somehow this will all make sense someday. I still feel a little lost cuz the place where I am happiest is just not an option for me. I'm trying to convince myself that this is where I need to be. Don't get me wrong, Canada is an awesome country with so many great things. But even free healthcare, better paying jobs, economic stability, and political sanity can't change the fact that I feel at home south of the border. And besides that, it's so dang cold! I'm trying to stay positive and just take one day at a time. At least now I have some goals to work towards.

I'm sure much of that will change along the way, it always does. But i'll still be making the most of the moment and working towards my next adventure:) Who knows where life will take me...? So there you have it. With virtually zero social life here, I'll be online fairly often, and should have more time to update this sucker, plus lots of thinking time to wax philisophical.