I turned 30 about 6 months ago. Although I was in Hawaii at the time and had a lovely birthday, I was wary of this milestone year in my life. I kept thinking of the movie 13 going on 30 and how the main girl just wanted to be "30, flirty and thriving" like she had read on a magazine cover. There I was 30 years old - but I certainly didn't feel like the other two. I was single, in the middle of a graduate degree that seemed endless, weighed down by the subsequent student loan debt and still very dependent on the generosity of my amazing parents. I felt a little lost and I just felt old!
Over the following months, while working like crazy and taking care of things with my sister at my parents' home in Canada, I had a few 'aha' moments. One was reading an article on dating that helped me get closure on every break-up I have ever experienced. I realized that I had seen myself as a victim on several occasions, when my words and actions had in all actuality contributed to the failure of each relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail. Duh, right? Well it felt so freeing to finally acknowledge that, and realize that I am not single because I date jerks. I am single because love is a choice and they din't choose me. And that is totally okay! There were a few that I didn't choose either...
Moment number two came when I discovered a talk by Sheri Dew, the current CEO of Deseret Book, and at the time, a counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is called Are we not all mothers? and it changed my life. In it she speaks of the divine role of women as nurturers, protectors, and friends. Even without having children of our own, we have the blessing and even responsibility of guiding, teaching, and strengthening every child who is entrusted in our care.
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| Some awesome kids I met in one of the poorest areas of Santo Domingo. |
Most of what I struggled with in my singleness was not having my own children. I soaked up every second with my sweet nephews and my friends' little ones, just to enjoy a few fleeting moments of their innocence and creativity. But in so many ways it was selfish and insecure, seeking love and validation through trying to fill the gaping hole in my soul. However, reading this talk helped me realize that those beautiful moments are not just for me, but for the children, and their parents, too. The time I share with them - however brief is simply another opportunity to uplift and strengthen one another. I AM a mother, because I am a woman, and it is part of who I am and who I have always been. Suddenly the frantic anxiety of my situation left. The urgency of finding a husband so that I could have a family of my own subsided, and was replaced with a peace and contentment. I still take every opportunity to snuggle with a new baby or talk and play with my nephews, but now I just enjoy it, and look for ways to serve in doing so. It is beautiful. And I feel truly blessed to have so many amazing little ones in my life, and grateful to their parents who allow me to share them on occasion :)
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| Best birthday gift ever! (Who I borrowed from my awesome friends Adam and Julie) |
I had finally a reached a point where I was truly content with who I was and how far I had come as a person - independent of my immediate surroundings. I mean, I had always been generally happy, and trying not to dwell on my imperfections or what was lacking in my life, but I finally felt a true peace with my situation. Then my working and learning phase ended and I took off for a study abroad program in the Dominican Republic.
Flirty
Now as you can imagine, there are a million things I could share from my month-long adventure of living and learning in the Dominican Republic. Hopefully I will get my blogging butt in gear and share them soon! But most importantly, living in the DR re-taught me how to flirt.
I know, I know, pretty disgraceful, but I really think I had forgotten how! For so many years of my life I was rather boy-crazy and a huge flirt. In my early twenties I dated a lot, and was quite confident in my flirtation skills! It was a comfortable, fun behavior for me, and I feel like the boys enjoyed it too :) However, as I grew older, and admittedly tired of the dating scene, I became less confident and therefore less flirtatious. It seemed the dating options were getting younger and I was getting a little boring. But I am happy to report that the DR, and more importantly the men of the DR changed that for me. Yes men, as in plural ;)
On our first Saturday excursion, after almost a week in the country, I found myself sitting next to a guy I knew very little for a 2-hour bus ride. He was loud, he smoked, and we were about as opposite as two people can be. And yet the conversation flowed freely. I can still remember a moment when I literally thought to myself "He is hitting on me. Huh... Well, it's been awhile, maybe I'll flirt back. I need some practice." I kid you not, that was the thought that went through my head. Anyway, several conversations, a few dates, and a lots of fun times later, and despite our opposing goals and values, we are still good friends. He made me laugh. He paid for things. He helped me see myself as that young, pretty, confident girl again, and liked me in spite of our differences. In fact, I think that's what attracts him the most to me.
Now let's talk about Dominican men! Let me first explain that there are not many white people in the DR, especially in the capitol city of Santo Domingo, where I lived. Also, it is normal for men there to be very bold in their compliments - to the point that it was almost offensive to us. They feel it is disgraceful for a man to not acknowledge a beautiful woman. So they would hiss at us in the streets to get our attention, and then shower us with comments on our beauty - in both Spanish and whatever English they could muster up. Honestly this just annoyed me until I understood the culture better. And fortunately, when you actually become friends, this attitude turns into amazing kindness.
There were two guys who were often at the home I stayed at, Adalberto and Angel. One was a cousin and one a daughter's boyfriend, who were like sons to my host mom. When they found out that I liked to dance, they took my friends and I out a couple times. The first night we were with several others from our group. The guys danced a few songs with us, then left to meet us with some friends, but came back to pick us up and make sure we all got home safely. The next week, a few of us girls came and they went all out! They drove us to an area with the best clubs, bought drinks for everyone (yay for soda pop!), and took turns dancing with each of the girls. They took our hands to guide us safely across the busy streets and through the crazy crowds, and just took care of us all night. In an area that could have been somewhat dangerous for a bunch of Rubias (white girls), we felt completely safe. Angel loves bachata just about as much as I do, so we ended up dancing the night away to a million beautiful bachata songs! At the end of the night, they took everyone home, and even walked the girls to their doors. Back at the house, Angel made me a sandwich and we talked till the wee hours, correcting my Spanish all along the way. I felt so completely spoiled! And he wasn't even trying to date me! He was just a friend who knew how to treat a woman.
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| Mis 'hermanos' dominicanos: Aldalberto and Angel |
Finally, there was Edwin. He will have a post of his own, because it is a great story :) But let me just say that instead of showering me with physical compliments, he just talked with me and laughed at my attempts at humor in Spanish. He helped me with my homework and brought me chocolate or fruit or even lunch during long afternoons in the computer lab. I kept waiting for him to doing something to show that he was just another sleazy Dominican after a white girl, but he was always polite, respectful and so kind - to everyone. After several days he finally paid me my first compliment, but is was so simple and sincere! He truly made me feel special and appreciated - and he still does :)
So yes, these wonderful men reminded me that I am beautiful, intelligent and desirable, just the way I am. They reminded me that we are each individual and valuable, and have unique qualities and gifts to share. And they showed me how I can and should be treated by the men I date and associate with. They made me feel like princess every time I was around them! Suddenly I felt young, vibrant, and full of possibilities! It was like they somehow breathed new life into me just by the way they treated me. I remembered all the things I loved about myself in the past, plus all that I have learned and all that I have become. And I absolutely love it!!
Thriving
So after that emotional high, I came "home" to Utah. Now, I love Utah. I have always enjoyed visiting here, taking in the church history sites, enjoying the beautiful mountains, and catching up with friends. However I don't do well living here and coming back was a rough transition. I got very sick, was living in a temporary situation so I couldn't settle in, was overwhelmed by school and missing my DR friends. Utah is not a bad place by any means, but I just don't feel like I belong here. It's difficult to explain... It has been good for graduate school, but as my program stretched into a third year, I was having a hard time dealing with the dry, desert air, cookie cutter homes and drastically polarized attitudes of the people.
Fortunately, I have since settled in. I got over my illness, caught up on my schoolwork, reconnected with a few friends, and moved to a new neighborhood that I absolutely love. I also met with my advisor for student teaching and my final year of grad school, and I am actually excited about it!! The end is in site! And I feel completely happy with where and how I will be spending my last year in Utah.
The culmination of all these experiences of the past six months is an amazing feeling of hope, confidence, and happiness. My life is far from perfect, but it is so, so good!! I have seen so many blessings pour into my life, and I am grateful for every challenge and adventure of my glorious 30 years that have brought me to this point. I truly am thirty, flirty and thriving!! I have no idea where I will be in a year, or five, or ten, but I do know it will be awesome :)
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