Home is a relative term

What I thought would be a safe and happy landing in a place I knew and was comfortable in - well, wasn't. My parents weren't even in the country when I got here. Honestly, if I had known what I was coming back to, I probably would have stayed longer in France. Good thing I didn't know! Cuz in spite of the discomfort and frustration, I know I am needed here. There is soooo much work to do, and of course, dad wants to do it himself. So I am free labour, and expert home decorating advisor:)

I have had to re-define my idea of 'home.' The house I knew and grew up in, is now but a shell, literally. All the walls of the basement were torn out, and the floor jack-hammered and re-poured. The living room and kitchen have been swapped. Doors became windows and stairs now enter on the opposite side of the basement. Since I no longer have a room, I sleep in a camp trailer. However, since it is already starting to freeze, we have to go in the house for any and all plumbing. Yep, just like camping - in Canada - in the winter. Plus, with my travels around Europe, I have now been living out of a suitcase for over 2 months. Joy.

Where my room used to be

The basement

The new kitchen

I've gotten used to disappointment. I'm no stranger to being alone. I've been in odd situations before. But that doesn't make it any more enjoyable now!

I felt so much peace about coming back to Canada. For the first time ever, I wanted to be here. Perhaps this rocky homecoming is a way of reminding me that I really don't have a place here. I'm sure I can contribute to my family and church. I can learn new things like spanish, piano, and basic home renovation. I go to the gym and help the missionaries. But before long, there is a halt in progression, because I'm learning it all alone.

This town is a great place for young families. There are good people here. They are nice people. But they are too busy with their kids, careers, homes, and callings to really be my friends. They are in different places in their lives. If I was married, I think I could even put up with the winters. But as a single young adult, there is no future. I have zero dating possibilities here.

I was totally fine with being single when I was in France. I could pretty much go wherever, and do whatever I wanted to, and I had tons of diverse friends to keep life interesting. In Orlando, I was in a place I loved, close to the temple and the beach, and I had great friends around to play and eat and dance with. But when all the friends are miles away and the communication is slim to none, suddenly I feel very, very single and very, very alone.

And once again, the only place to go in to your knees. My prayers are stilled filled with gratitude, but they are longer, and accompanied by many more tears.

I hate feeling pathetic and lost. I don't like all the questions I don't have answers to. I hate looking like a failure, and disappointing my parents. I feel out of control of my life.

So I try to stay positive and count my blessings. I serve. I remind myself of all the amazing things I have seen. I focus my energies on achieving goals and progressing, in spite of my residential or relationship status.

And someday I will establish my own 'home.' It will be somewhere I can feel safe and loved. Where I can progress and learn, but also serve and teach and share. My home will be a haven of peace and positivity where the spirit can dwell, and where all who enter can find a shelter from the storms of the world. It will be a place filled with memories and souvenirs of the people, places, and adventures that have made me who I am. It will be a daily celebration of life, family, and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Someday I will find it. For now, I guess I'm learning patience - again.