"Besties"

(WARNING: It's been awhile since I've been so honest or down on here, but this is just that. I just needed to express it. Thanks for putting up with my momentary melancholy.)

Over the past few years especially, I have noticed a trend among many people that I care about. I realize that dating is a complicated thing anyway, but this trend is a very common, confusing, and difficult situation to deal with. I like to refer to it as "Besties" syndrome. Let me 'splain....

You know how great it is when a guy and a girl just get along, and enjoy each other's company, and hang out all the time? Yeah, it's awesome! From the outside, they look perfect for each other and everyone thinks they are dating, then wonders why they aren't. They share conversations, laughs, and food. Throw in compatibility, respect, and friendship and life is wonderful!  If all these elements are present and there also happens to be a mutual attraction between the two, well, the rest is history. But there's a tricky little word in there... friendship. When one of the people feels an attraction while the other simply considers it a great 'friendship,' that is when we find a case of "Besties." They are the best of friends, but it stops there.

It happens both ways, but most of the time I see it with an adoring girl as the victim. She bends over backwards doing nice things for him: baking him cookies, making him dinner, being available whenever he needs her, and being pretty much an amazing friend. What guy wouldn't love that? And after all, it isn't that he doesn't care at all about his friend. Occasionally, he even returns a few kind gestures. He just doesn't like her 'that way.' Simply put, he's not attracted to her. So essentially she has fallen in love alone. However, she is still pouring her soul into the relationship, clinging to the minuscule possibility that he might someday realize he's in love with her too.

I hate this. It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at once. I realize that sometimes the admired doesn't recognize the obvious signs of devotion. I don't think he means to string her along and hurt her. Sometimes he doesn't realize how much his 'friend' really loves him. However before long it becomes so obvious to everyone else, and he has got to know. Then why doesn't he say something? Yes, it is a tough, often awkward conversation to have, but isn't it kinder to let her down now than to let this admiration carry on and build for months and even years?!?

Goodness knows the admirer won't ever initiate that conversation. She would rather cherish whatever time and attention he gives her than chance scaring him away with an honest conversation, and possibly not having him in her life at all. And hence why the friends on the outside get so frustrated watching this imbalanced relationship.

Unfortunately, I have recently noticed myself slipping slowly into this same situation. The independent woman in me wants to ignore my feelings of vulnerability and self-doubt and just play the 'friend' cuz that is good enough. The many-times-rejected girl in me is afraid to care, and is holding back just enough to feel like I still have some sort of control over the situation. And the hopeless dreamer in me seems to think that somewhere beneath his neutral demeanor, he secretly wants me too...

If you can imagine, it's a little tulmultuous in my head right now, and my heart is a hot mess!

What's worse, he once built my hope up with flirtation and compliments and lingering hugs that seem to have gone the way of the dodo. I don't think there is any more discouraging feeling of rejection than being treated indifferently by someone who once made you feel sexy, beautiful, unique, important and desirable. What makes a heart-melting hug disappear? I wish I knew why he is so different yet I feel so much more of the same. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he feel what I feel? Will anyone ever feel that for me...?

I don't really know what to do, but I know I can't let myself fall into the habits that pain me so much with my friends. I guess someday soon I'll have to have that awkward conversation and force myself to let him go... but for now, I just really love being his friend - but not his "bestie."

Its the most wonderful time of the year!

I don't like being cold. Although it is beautiful, I don't much like snow either. However, I love the month of December for many reasons. First of all, because for this month of the year the whole world takes time off work, give gifts, serves, sings, and makes an extra effort, all in celebration of the birth of our Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. Even the ones who don't believe in Him celebrate him in some way or another. Awesome huh? :)

It's the one month of the year that it is totally ok to be Christian, to declare your faith, and to talk about the greatest man that ever lived. Now, I firmly believe that this is something we should be able to do ever day, and I certainly try to. However, in December, nearly the whole world does - regardless of their faith or lack thereof. And in a world of "politically correct"-ness I think it is fantastic that everyone gets involved in some way or another. How can you be offended by love, charity and happy season's greetings? So I proudly, gratefully, and happily proclaim a very Merry Christmas to all the world - whether you believe in him or not!

Another reason is that in December, everything sparkles! I love the glitter and lights of Christmas. There are lights everywhere, smiles everywhere and the love is almost tangible! There is a whole new spirit brought by this beautiful, glimmering ambiance, and I LOVE it!! This year, I am doubly blessed because I finally got to see the lights on Temple Square - in the fog and then the snow which made them extra sparkly - and I get to see the frosty Cinderella's castle and the dancing lights on New York Street at Walt Disney World. The best lights in the world, and I saw them on both sides of the country. BEAUTIFUL!!

And then there's the music. Nothing beats the feeling of singing Christmas carols! It seems that no matter who is singing, the spirit of love, gratitude, and peace fill the air and warm the soul :) This year I was blessed to be a part of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Christmas concert (on the costuming end). The choir is amazing, and I also attended the rehearsal with David Archuleta. I must admit, his voice is dreamy, and he's just a really nice guy. On top of that, I heard a few talented high school choirs perform at the Assembly hall, and sang with my own Institute choir.

That's David rehearsing with Mack Wilberg and MoTab. I have a fun video too!

 

I made their headpieces :)

Then I arrived in Florida just in time to sing in the ward Christmas program. My amazing friend Hannah coordinated the music, and it was absolutely beautiful. I cannot begin to describe the spirit that poured through that sacred music. I felt so much love, for and from my Savior, and for all the good people around me. Thank you Han, for letting me be a part of it :)

And finally, Christmas is about people. Family, friends, or strangers, it seems everyone smiles a little brighter, gives a little more, and hopefully worries a little less. Although I am far away from my fabulous family - my awesome parents, siblings, nephews, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins - I am with my stellar sister Celeste, my bestest friend Kjersti, and so many old and new wonderful friends. Near and far, I love you all and I am so grateful for every wonderful part you have played in my life!

I am so, so blessed at this most beautiful, happy, wonderful time of the year! I know I owe it all to my Savior, Jesus Christ, who was born in the most humble circumstances, lived a sinless life, took the weight of the world's pain and mistakes upon Him, died and was resurrected.... All so that we can experience the journey of mortality and qualify to return to our Father in heaven. Amazing! Beautiful! Happy! 

           

Merry Christmas one and all!!

For it is in giving that we receive. - St. Francis of Assisi

I love the Christmas season so much! I love the sparkling lights, the smells of pine trees and yummy food, singing Christmas carols and sacred music. I love the many excuses to play in the snow, socialize and eat :) More than anything, I love that everyone seems to pause to recognize this special time of year, even if they do not fully understand the event at it's origin.
What I don't love is Christmas present shopping. I am terrible at it! I really struggle with obligatory gifts like Christmas and birthdays. I am more the type to see something that makes me think of a person, and I just buy it - regardless of the occasion - because it meets a desire or need right then and there. Why must it only be at these designated occasions that we give?

I never know who exactly I am expected to buy for and I struggle to know what to get. Especially since I am currently a very broke grad student living off borrowed funds. And I really don't like generic gifts. I would rather receive nothing but a heartfelt note or warm hug than a random gift I do not want or need, simply because it is Christmas. I appreciate the gesture but it seems silly to me. I look at my gift giving the same way. If it is forced and superficial, it is meaningless.

And so I propose we look at giving a little differently. Instead of the random gift baskets, fruitcakes and ties, let us give our smiles, our listening ears, a warm embrace, an evening out, a clean home, a shoveled walk or a home-cooked me. Let us share the greatest give we can have in this life - the gospel of Jesus Christ. Let us celebrate his birth and the incredible gifts he gave us by giving of ourselves. And why must it only be at Christmas or birthdays? May we have eyes to recognize the opportunities to give, and hearts to open up and share of ourselves - not only at Christmas, but all year long!

And he sings too...

So remember how I love Zachary Levi? Well I do. If I ever got to meet him, I'm pretty sure we would become great friends, and he might just love me too. For now, he simply makes me swoon as a nerdishly suave cartoon character, (if you haven't seen Tangled yet, GO! It is my new favorite Disney movie) and to make things even better, he really sings!

Check out this fabulous song with the uber talented Katherine McPhee. Love it :)

Successful Failure

A friend once taught me something that changed my perspective on life. He called it "successful failure." He reasoned that there are no real failures in our lives because each set-back can teach or prepare us for something amazing we might have never found otherwise. However the success we find depends on our attitude toward our failure.

Several months ago I flew out to Montreal to interview with Disney Cruise Line. I had worked and waited for months for this opportunity, and yet as soon as I interviewed, I knew it wasn't right for me.

As I left the interview, my first thought was, "What a wasted trip! All this time and expense for nothing!" Then directly following was the internal retort, "No, it hasn't been wasted. It was a great weekend, and I needed to have this experience to choose for myself. I needed to reach a turning point and start a new chapter in my life. This was a successful failure."

I was offered the job, and I turned it down. I wasn't rejected, I simply recognized that it was time to take my life in a different direction. I chose to fail.

Our hotel was located right in the heart of the city, on the metro stop Bonaventure. That means "good adventure" in French. I think my trip to Montreal was just that, a good adventure. I got to explore a city I have wanted to visit for years. I met some fabulous people, flirted with some nice guys, and spoke some French. I also got back into working out, and had some really good talks with my mom. It was by no means a wasted trip. I loved Montreal, and I feel like the realizations were well worth the expense. A completely successful failure.

Then in late September I auditioned to dance in the Christmas concert for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And I made it! I was so excited to dance again. I was thrilled for the rehearsal process, the physical demands, the costumes, the stage! However, one of my classes conflicted with the rehearsal schedule and I had to drop out. Grad school is my priority right now, and I couldn't neglect my studies for a chance to dance. I chose to fail.

This choice has allowed me to have the free time to take on a number of other projects, including supporting my best friend and her family through a very difficult time. I've also joined the costume team for the Christmas concert where I have rekindled and improved some old skills and earn a little extra money while still being a part of the show. Plus, I am applying to a totally different department in order to change to another grad program that I finally feel great about. Ironically, this means that I don't even need the class that prevented me from dancing. However, so much else has happened that couldn't have otherwise, and I get to fly to Orlando the day before the performances which means a cheaper flight and longer stay. Totally successful failure.

In both cases, I thought I knew what I wanted, and I worked so hard to make it happen. Yet when the offer came, I walked away - for nothing but the dream of something else. I suppose that's what faith is, and that just might be what makes the difference.

All things happen for  a reason - including our failures. It's up to us to find the success in them.

Another day, another engagement

I have a love-hate relationship with facebook. Some days it brings me so much joy to communicate with and celebrate the good news of friends.  But sometimes I find out things that break my heart, or just distract and depress me.

And nearly every day, there is another status change, or "We're getting married" group. My reactions to these vary. Sometimes it's a "Good for them!" or "Cute!!" or "So happy!"
Other times I think, "There really is someone for everyone..."

But every once in a while the dreary thought that drags across my mind is, "He/she has found someone to love them for forever, what's wrong with me?!?" What does it feel like to actually have a ring on your finger and know you are going to be with this person forever? You have chosen him and he has chosen you. Although I have come close in a few relationships, and I've been ready more than once, I've never felt that mutual affirmation of an official engagement. And sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

I know that's not healthy. I know the Lord has a plan for me, and He keeps telling me that it includes marriage and motherhood, but sometimes it's just hard to remember that.

Someday my relationship status will change and I'll get to make my own address collection! In the meantime, I'm getting a lot of practice writing the word "congratulations" in all sorts of languages:)

Simply grateful

I am so blessed! I live a wonderful life. Occasionally reality sinks in, quickly and deeply, and the stress gets to be a little much to deal with. So I count my blessings, one by one, and suddenly it is so easy to be happy :)

I have an awesome family! They support me, counsel me, laugh with me, love me, and keep me in line. They are unique, intelligent, funny, spiritual, and simply wonderful people who are examples to me in so many ways. They have helped me become the person I am. And I miss them like crazy!

I have so many fabulous friends, all over the world. They make me smile and keep life interesting and exciting. They give me great excuses to travel :) In the midst of these, I have a few sincere and remarkably loyal friends who keep me afloat when the storms of life get a little intense.

I have a strong, healthy body. I have energy, I can run and dance and play! I am stronger than most girls and I have the self-discipline to train and tone my body. I am not a supermodel or a twig, but I am curvy, feminine, and comfortable with myself. Plus, I'm a redhead. What more can I say?

I live in a happy, classy little apartment with a free gym and a swimming pool. I live with one of my very best friends. I also have my own room. It's my little haven from the world.

I have a bed :)

I am part of the greatest singles ward in Utah, where I feel loved, included, and appreciated. They are my surrogate family and wonderful friends.

My life is filled with good music and entertainment that uplifts, inspires, and helps me forget about my worries for a moment.

I have a shiny black laptop named Chuck and free wireless Internet connection almost everywhere I go.

I have access to 7 temples within an hour driving radius.

Every challenge, struggle, depression, loss, betrayal, pain, or rejection I have ever experienced has been followed by an outpouring of love, success, encouragement, healing, improvement, strength, or joy. Not immediately, mind you, but it comes.
My car may just be a Ford Focus, but it has power windows and locks, functional a/c, and a sunroof :)

I love my classes. I am dancing again. I go on dates fairly often. I am not allergic to chocolate!

But most importantly, I am a daughter of God with divine beauty and potential in my soul. I am a member of the true, restored church of Jesus Christ on the earth today. I have felt the Holy Ghost witness this truth and I have had so many other experiences to remind me of what I know. I have made promises to my God that will bless and exalt me, all I have to do is keep my end. I know there are prophets on the earth again and I am led by revelation, both general and personal. Isn't all that simply awesome!?!

I am so, so blessed!!!
What are you thankful for...?