"Besties"

(WARNING: It's been awhile since I've been so honest or down on here, but this is just that. I just needed to express it. Thanks for putting up with my momentary melancholy.)

Over the past few years especially, I have noticed a trend among many people that I care about. I realize that dating is a complicated thing anyway, but this trend is a very common, confusing, and difficult situation to deal with. I like to refer to it as "Besties" syndrome. Let me 'splain....

You know how great it is when a guy and a girl just get along, and enjoy each other's company, and hang out all the time? Yeah, it's awesome! From the outside, they look perfect for each other and everyone thinks they are dating, then wonders why they aren't. They share conversations, laughs, and food. Throw in compatibility, respect, and friendship and life is wonderful!  If all these elements are present and there also happens to be a mutual attraction between the two, well, the rest is history. But there's a tricky little word in there... friendship. When one of the people feels an attraction while the other simply considers it a great 'friendship,' that is when we find a case of "Besties." They are the best of friends, but it stops there.

It happens both ways, but most of the time I see it with an adoring girl as the victim. She bends over backwards doing nice things for him: baking him cookies, making him dinner, being available whenever he needs her, and being pretty much an amazing friend. What guy wouldn't love that? And after all, it isn't that he doesn't care at all about his friend. Occasionally, he even returns a few kind gestures. He just doesn't like her 'that way.' Simply put, he's not attracted to her. So essentially she has fallen in love alone. However, she is still pouring her soul into the relationship, clinging to the minuscule possibility that he might someday realize he's in love with her too.

I hate this. It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at once. I realize that sometimes the admired doesn't recognize the obvious signs of devotion. I don't think he means to string her along and hurt her. Sometimes he doesn't realize how much his 'friend' really loves him. However before long it becomes so obvious to everyone else, and he has got to know. Then why doesn't he say something? Yes, it is a tough, often awkward conversation to have, but isn't it kinder to let her down now than to let this admiration carry on and build for months and even years?!?

Goodness knows the admirer won't ever initiate that conversation. She would rather cherish whatever time and attention he gives her than chance scaring him away with an honest conversation, and possibly not having him in her life at all. And hence why the friends on the outside get so frustrated watching this imbalanced relationship.

Unfortunately, I have recently noticed myself slipping slowly into this same situation. The independent woman in me wants to ignore my feelings of vulnerability and self-doubt and just play the 'friend' cuz that is good enough. The many-times-rejected girl in me is afraid to care, and is holding back just enough to feel like I still have some sort of control over the situation. And the hopeless dreamer in me seems to think that somewhere beneath his neutral demeanor, he secretly wants me too...

If you can imagine, it's a little tulmultuous in my head right now, and my heart is a hot mess!

What's worse, he once built my hope up with flirtation and compliments and lingering hugs that seem to have gone the way of the dodo. I don't think there is any more discouraging feeling of rejection than being treated indifferently by someone who once made you feel sexy, beautiful, unique, important and desirable. What makes a heart-melting hug disappear? I wish I knew why he is so different yet I feel so much more of the same. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he feel what I feel? Will anyone ever feel that for me...?

I don't really know what to do, but I know I can't let myself fall into the habits that pain me so much with my friends. I guess someday soon I'll have to have that awkward conversation and force myself to let him go... but for now, I just really love being his friend - but not his "bestie."