Many of my friends are married. Many are having their 2nd and 3rd children. I want so badly to be a mother and build a family with a good man, but it hasn't worked out for me yet. When I was in Orlando, I was totally ok with being single. I had so many awesome friends, so many fun and worthwhile things to do, and if all else failed, I had the beach for therapy:)
However, being back in Alberta has made me painfully aware of my singleness. It is so cold and there’s so much snow that I barely go outside most days, and rarely travel far. My skin is dry and my allergies are relentless. I’m physically irritated, emotionally alienated from my dear friends thousands of miles away, and mentally lost. I’m trying to gather up the pieces of my life and convince myself that I’m happy, when all that I want for my life is back in Florida. In this isolated environment, it’s so hard not to focus on what I lack. Even the most positive person can only push through so much.
Well today I struck out, in the form of 3 hardballs:
First I talked to an old high school friend who just had her 3rd baby. She’s so sweet and happy and has a darling family. For a second she was encouraging, “You’re young and ambitious and since you have no attachments, you can just up and leave.” Yeah, that’s cool right? But then she said, “But are you lonely?” Wow, thanks for mentioning it, yes I am. I am alone and it sucks. Anything else you wanted to talk about? I know she didn’t mean to rub it in my face, but… well, she did.
Second, I stumbled across some facebook notes mentioning the sheer romantic bliss of an ex. I just LOVE how I have been through so many dating situations, had my heart ripped out more than a couple times, and then I get to hear about these jerk men finding the love of their lives in a girl younger than me, who they dated for about 5 minutes. I know that shouldn’t bother me, but it does. It makes me feel like crap.
The final blow came tonight as we picked up some things at Home Depot. A guy working there recognized me as Tyler’s sister. They went to kindergarten together. Yeah, crazy. The fact that he recognized me from my 8 year old self could be either good or bad. But then we found out that this guy, a couple years my junior, is getting married in June. As we left the store Dad vocalized exactly what I was thinking, “Look at that Ame, everyone else is getting married and you’re going to France.” Thanks Dad. Yep, I’m the loser who can’t get married. Awesome.
I know I’m far from being an old maid. I know that I have been promised blessings that WILL come because I am trying so hard to be obedient and diligent. But why is it so easy for other people to take that step? Why have I had my heart broken so miserably, and I’m still alone? Why do I keep getting so close I can almost taste it, just to have it all fall apart and slap me in the face? What’s wrong with me that nobody wants me to be their forever? Why did things finally work with the most amazing man just a week before I was exiled to Canada? Why am I freakin’ Canadian??!? And why is he so wonderful that I just can’t forget and move on? I hate this. When will this test finally be over??
And hence why I am running away to France. I will still be alone and without any answers, but at least I will have pastries and the City of Lights to drown my frustrations.
And boy will I be cool. Woohoo.
1 comment:
Amy! You're fabulous. Don't forget it.
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