boyfriend

I really don't like that word. I don't know if it's the commitment it implies, or the label it boxes you into, or just how juvenile it sounds, but it usually takes me a while to use that term. Even then I prefer many other words to describe the guy I happen to be dating at the time.

Well, this summer I used that word fairly frequently, preceded by "my." Maybe it is because the guy I'm referring to is still a bit of a boy himself. He's a few months shy of 23, and if you read my birthday post a few months back, you know that is much younger than I am. Maybe it's because he made me feel great, so I was okay with the label. Either way, I suppose you are wondering why I am only now writing about this happy part of my life. Well this has been the most unique relationship I have ever experienced, and I guess I just didn't know how to put it into words before. So let me tell you the story:

Back in April I went to Moab, UT with some friends. At that point my life was falling apart a little and I was in a major funk. Even running away to California and chopping off my hair failed to cure me completely. While in Moab I met this boy, a friend of my friends. Actually I had seen him around before but didn't think much of it because he was noticeably younger and we had never really had common ground before. Well over the course of my adventures in Moab, this boy was funny, chivalrous and absolutely charming. When I was around him I felt like a million bucks. And in spite of our age difference, I found myself flirting with him. On my last night there, under an overcast night sky, he pulled out his smartphone with its constellation app and brought me the stars. I know right? How could you not fall for that?!

We continued to see each other back on the home front. Every time I went out with him I was hesitant and a little nervous, but when I was with him it felt good and happy. So I continued to see him. Then I found out that he had not served a mission (as in a full-time volunteer mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I am a very happy and devoted member). Typically young men serve missions when they are 19 years old, however at that point in his life this boy was working on Sundays and was busy being distracted by the unimportant things that seem so important when you are 19. By the time he came back to church, he just avoided the question of a mission, and carried on with excuses for years. Never good excuses mind you, but they were numerous nonetheless.

Now I did not want to be one of those silly girls who shuns a boy simply because he hasn't served a full-time mission. There are plenty of good guys who have not served for perfectly legitimate reasons. However, the more time I spent with this boy, the more I saw that he didn't really have any legitimate reasons. He was not only able-bodied and intelligent, but he loved the gospel, had a personal testimony of Jesus Christ, and he was always the first one to step up and serve. He was so full of love - for everyone! I couldn't understand why someone so good would not be willing to obey the prophet's call to serve. So one day I asked him.

But it was not easy. By this time I had become somewhat attached to this boy, and I knew that by having this conversation I ran the risk of no longer seeing him. Having served a mission myself, I knew how amazing it could be - not only for oneself but for all the incredible people you have the opportunity to meet, teach, and serve. Fortunately, I was not the only one thinking about missions. It turns out the boy thought about it every day. And though he said it "wasn't for him" or he "felt no push to serve," he had always known he would. He was letting fear hold him back. My words of encouragement, combined with a healthy dose of spiritual confirmation, helped him make the decision that would change his life forever - to serve a mission. It wasn't me, it was simply time. And I was fortunate enough to be part of the process.

From that point our relationship accelerated quickly - a little too quickly perhaps. With that concern gone and so much positive spirit in all our interactions, it was pure bliss!! And what an exciting thing to be a part of! I helped him prepare his missionary papers, make the necessary appointments, and start studying more intensely the restored gospel that he would soon be teaching.

It was amazing to see the changes in him. Over the months that followed he became more confident and full of faith. He learned to let go of fear and insecurities, and trust in the plan the Lord had prepared for him. He began to think less of what he would be leaving behind, and more of who he would encounter and what he would experience while giving his life to God for 2 years. Now this is not to say that there haven't been a few freak-out moments. There have been unexpected delays and detours along the way. But just a few days ago those papers were submitted and the boy will soon be a missionary.

Awesome right?! Definitely! But where does that leave this chica? Well that is what has been the most unique and I suppose challenging part of all this excitement. As I am not getting any younger (LOL I'm fine, really!), we have both agreed that I shouldn't sit at home waiting for him. In fact he is convinced that while he is gone some dude is going to finally see the light and marry me (his faith is much stronger than mine in this regard). Though I plan to support him either way, it is just a strange position to be in. I am dating someone with whom I know I do not have a future (except for maybe hypothetically in a couple of years), and really, we cannot progress beyond the friendship and affection we have for one another at this point. For a girl who is all about progress, that means trouble. No progress means stagnation. No bueno!

Sometimes I think about how different we are and wonder what on earth we are doing. Sometimes I think about the obligations that lie ahead of us individually and wonder why I am postponing the inevitable moment that will pull us apart. Sometimes I think about my seemingly endless estrangement with the blessed institution of marriage and wonder how I will ever find my forever - especially if I am currently holding onto something destined to end. It seems I have become an expert at helping men find their next step in life and then they leave me behind...

However, I know there is a reason for everything. Maybe I am just preparing every man I date to be a wonderful husband to the lucky girl he ends up marrying. At least I'm good at something!  Maybe I have had my heart broken, and sadly, broken the hearts of others more often than I can count. At least I have loved! Maybe I am setting us both up for misery when the end inevitably comes. At least I followed my heart.

I suppose I could try to date someone with more life experience, a little closer to my age, but all those I dated in the past came with major commitment issues and just left me feeling used. Or I could date someone more outgoing and assertive, but they always steal the spotlight, leave me in the shadows, and make me feel inferior.

Though he is far from perfect and we are so very different, this boy has been nothing but good to me. He redeemed my faith in men and helped me believe in my own worth again. On the outside he may seem quiet, uninteresting, or even boring. He is no movie star or competitive athlete, but he has his own attractiveness. Others may not see it, but with me he is funny, sincere, strong, passionate, and determined. I wish the whole world could see how wonderful he is! I think that is part of what makes him so great. He is full of surprises you have to be willing to discover. And for some reason, he let me in.

I may not end up marrying this boy, but I still love him. It's not the silly Hollywood love you see in the commercials and swoon over in romantic comedies. I love his soul. I love the person he is and the man he is striving to become. I love his silly sense of humor and his occasional naivety. I love the goodness of his heart and his willingness to learn. I feel like he is my friend first and foremost, and if he cares for me like I do for him that will never change, despite who we end up marrying - or not.

I know the time is coming soon when we will have to part ways, not simply because of the departure of a missionary, but for the growth and learning of two good people who want to become their best. I have taken on an intense master's program and am working towards a career that will be (at least for now) my life's focus. He will soon be serving a full-time mission which means emotional, physical, and spiritual preparation and some major sacrifice. He doesn't need the 'what ifs' of a relationship distracting him or holding him back.

I get that. Progression is the purpose for this life. I'm trying to be mature and logical about it. When I am away from him and stressed out with school and my many responsibilities, I see that very clearly. But it is still so hard to let him go.

Because when I am with him, the stress goes away for a while. I feel safe. I feel appreciated. I feel beautiful. I feel loved. When I am with him I can just be myself: the good, the bad, and the silly. He sees me for who I am and who I am trying to become. And though I think he is crazy, he loves me anyway. Even when I am too independent and too assertive. Even with all my exotic adventures, foreign languages, and crazy dreams. Even with my monthly mood swings and impatience with the world. He just loves me.

I haven't found the answer for when or how this will all make sense. I plan to carry on as I have all along, prayerfully following the inspiration that comes to my heart and mind. No matter what comes ahead, this moment we have shared meant something. If for no other reason than to save a girl from herself and help a boy step up to serve, it has been worthwhile. Heartache included.

**I wrote that just over a week ago. Tonight I let him go, shattering two hearts in the process. I don't fully understand why, but I did what I felt was right, even though "right" also feels a lot like misery right now.

(I know that was long, so thank you for sticking with it if you actually made it to the end. Consider it 4 months-worth of blogging in one post - and the lifespan of an incredible relationship. It means so much more than one post can express though. Thank you for validating it with your time.)