Elder Stephen Harper

Today my baby brother became a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Obviously, he is no longer a baby at all! In fact, I am so incredibly proud of the young man he has become. Even in the past couple months he has matured so much.

It has been a long road for Stephen to get out on his mission. He has worked full-time since he graduated to cover the entire expense of his mission. He had all sorts of delays in submitting his paperwork in the first place, and then had to wait about 4 months to receive his call. When it finally came in September, he was called to serve in the Salt Lake City-South mission and would go to the MTC on January 19 (yep, my birthday!.) I think he was just so ready to serve and had waited so long that he was happy to go anywhere!

So he waited patiently, worked, played, and continued to help out the missionaries in our home branch in preparation for his service. Then he quit his job just before Christmas to enjoy the holidays and some down time before heading out.

However, his visa didn't come. That's right, my awesome Canadian brother had problems getting a visa to serve in Salt Lake City. Which only added to my love for United States Customs and Immigration (arrrgghhhhh!!). Since it still had not come through as of January 19, my parents and their stake president decided to be proactive. So last night Stephen was set apart as a full-time missionary in the Edmonton Canada mission and today he jumped into his first transfer. The idea is that when his visa finally goes through he will then go to the Missionary Training Center, and carry on to his mission in Salt Lake, but who knows how long that will take? So in the meantime, he is ready to serve wherever he is needed.

That is just the kind of guy Stephen is. He is smart, funny, and independent but he is always willing to help. That is why he wants to share the greatest gift we have - the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I know he will bless the lives of every person he comes into contact with. The Edmonton mission is lucky to have him!

I was 9 when Stephen was born. My name was one of his first words, and I was kind of like a second mom for the first few years of his life. I LOVE my brother so much! Although I have been gone from home for several years, I got to spend most of last year getting to know the amazing young man he has become, and I loved every minute of it. I am so impressed by his dedication, his patience, and his amazing love. I miss him already, but I know he is safe and needed in the service of the Lord. And hopefully he will soon be in his actual mission - which just happens to be exactly where I live :)

God speed brother! I will be thinking of you and praying for you every day!

Amy it's your birthday! Happy birthday Amy!

Today I woke up to a call from my parents, singing happy birthday to me. Then a text from one of my best friends, followed by several other texts, calls and of course, the countless facebook greetings. Though a minor snowstorm on the east mountains threatened to ruin my day, the sun shone brightly in the west (Yet another metaphor for my life...for another day perhaps) I ate delicious Brazilian BBQ and caramel chocolate cake - served by a yummy blue-eyed Brazilian waiter ;) And I was serenaded by one of my favorite men :) All in all, it was a lovely day.

29 years... That's a long time to be alive! I feel like I am a real adult today. I know, took me long enough, right? But don't worry, I sure won't stop having fun! And I still don't feel old, I just feel like this is some sort of turning point - the last year of my twenties...

For right now, I am simply grateful to be alive, to be young (relatively), healthy and happy.

I am thankful for an incredible family - both as individuals and together. They teach me, inspire me, and love me in spite of myself. I love them more than words could ever say.

I am thankful for friends who truly care about me and want me to be happy. I am thankful for goofy looks, warm hugs, heartfelt laughs, and honest conversation. I am thankful for uplifting music to both sing and dance along to. I am thankful for good food.

For once I am not looking back over what I have accomplished in my life; I am looking forward to the possibilities of what is to come. I am enjoying all the happy little things that brighten my life right now. And I am completely inspired and strengthened, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically, by the goodness in my life and the promised blessings that await me.

The fun part of having a birthday so close to the new year is that your resolutions overlap a little, with the new calendar year and another year in your life. I feel so good about this next year! Good things have already happened, great things are happening every day, and amazing things I cannot even fathom at this point will most certainly take my breath away. The hope I have been feeling and building on this past year has certainly filled me, and now I feel it leading me to another simple, yet elusive word.

Happiness - even as a single 29-year-old. I'm going to make this year all about the little happy things :) Hurray for another year in the adventure of life! Happy birthday to me!!

Just kidding :)

Ok so maybe I should rescind that last post. Because as much as things aren't happening exactly the way I imagined, they are still happening! There is progression, albeit slow, and life is far from the dismal state I described. For someone whose motto is to "take things one day at a time" I was getting way ahead of myself. I'm pretty sure I was also fending off a strange combination of seasonal depression and PMS... So please forgive my little rant and allow me to refer back to my wonderful word of the year - HOPE.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: "Real hope keeps us 'anxiously engaged' in good causes even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard. Likewise, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination—not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to 'endure … well' to the end."

Instead of allowing myself to dream and hope, I have been minimizing my feelings for the sake of self-preservation. I was allowing fear to run the show and kill my faith. While watching a movie tonight, I heard these wordsa as if they were spoken directly to me:

"You are afraid hurt will happen to you again... Only way to heal is to trust. This ok. To have broken heart mean you have try for something."
(Ketut the medecine man, Eat, Pray, Love)

Apparently this relationship is simply part of another lesson in faith and patience. And goodness knows they cannot thrive where there is fear! My daily life is full of happy, unpredictable moments, and I am learning to embrace and enjoy them all.

"Besties"

(WARNING: It's been awhile since I've been so honest or down on here, but this is just that. I just needed to express it. Thanks for putting up with my momentary melancholy.)

Over the past few years especially, I have noticed a trend among many people that I care about. I realize that dating is a complicated thing anyway, but this trend is a very common, confusing, and difficult situation to deal with. I like to refer to it as "Besties" syndrome. Let me 'splain....

You know how great it is when a guy and a girl just get along, and enjoy each other's company, and hang out all the time? Yeah, it's awesome! From the outside, they look perfect for each other and everyone thinks they are dating, then wonders why they aren't. They share conversations, laughs, and food. Throw in compatibility, respect, and friendship and life is wonderful!  If all these elements are present and there also happens to be a mutual attraction between the two, well, the rest is history. But there's a tricky little word in there... friendship. When one of the people feels an attraction while the other simply considers it a great 'friendship,' that is when we find a case of "Besties." They are the best of friends, but it stops there.

It happens both ways, but most of the time I see it with an adoring girl as the victim. She bends over backwards doing nice things for him: baking him cookies, making him dinner, being available whenever he needs her, and being pretty much an amazing friend. What guy wouldn't love that? And after all, it isn't that he doesn't care at all about his friend. Occasionally, he even returns a few kind gestures. He just doesn't like her 'that way.' Simply put, he's not attracted to her. So essentially she has fallen in love alone. However, she is still pouring her soul into the relationship, clinging to the minuscule possibility that he might someday realize he's in love with her too.

I hate this. It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at once. I realize that sometimes the admired doesn't recognize the obvious signs of devotion. I don't think he means to string her along and hurt her. Sometimes he doesn't realize how much his 'friend' really loves him. However before long it becomes so obvious to everyone else, and he has got to know. Then why doesn't he say something? Yes, it is a tough, often awkward conversation to have, but isn't it kinder to let her down now than to let this admiration carry on and build for months and even years?!?

Goodness knows the admirer won't ever initiate that conversation. She would rather cherish whatever time and attention he gives her than chance scaring him away with an honest conversation, and possibly not having him in her life at all. And hence why the friends on the outside get so frustrated watching this imbalanced relationship.

Unfortunately, I have recently noticed myself slipping slowly into this same situation. The independent woman in me wants to ignore my feelings of vulnerability and self-doubt and just play the 'friend' cuz that is good enough. The many-times-rejected girl in me is afraid to care, and is holding back just enough to feel like I still have some sort of control over the situation. And the hopeless dreamer in me seems to think that somewhere beneath his neutral demeanor, he secretly wants me too...

If you can imagine, it's a little tulmultuous in my head right now, and my heart is a hot mess!

What's worse, he once built my hope up with flirtation and compliments and lingering hugs that seem to have gone the way of the dodo. I don't think there is any more discouraging feeling of rejection than being treated indifferently by someone who once made you feel sexy, beautiful, unique, important and desirable. What makes a heart-melting hug disappear? I wish I knew why he is so different yet I feel so much more of the same. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he feel what I feel? Will anyone ever feel that for me...?

I don't really know what to do, but I know I can't let myself fall into the habits that pain me so much with my friends. I guess someday soon I'll have to have that awkward conversation and force myself to let him go... but for now, I just really love being his friend - but not his "bestie."