Almost...

I was going to get married today.

After so many years of dating and trying and breaking hearts and having my heart broken and failing and trying again, I was going to get married.

At least for a few weeks I thought I would.

But, clearly, I am not getting married today, nor any time in the foreseeable future.

And many people are asking. “Why not?” and “What happened?” Many others are wondering the same, but are too polite or shy to ask. Now that I have had some time to think about it, I suppose it’s time to clear the air.

Please know that this is simply my side of the story. I cannot speak for Andrew, nor do I mean to villainize him at all. We are both adults and were willing participants in this misadventure. He is a really great guy and was incredibly kind throughout the learning process.

Before I go further, I need to explain something. I grew up learning, and believe deeply in the doctrine taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe that the marriage of a man and woman, and the family it begins, are among the greatest aspirations and most precious possessions we can have in this life. Marriage to me is about partnership. It is about finding your literal “best friend forever,” someone who will love you for exactly who you are while still encouraging you to become better every day. Marriage is about committing to spending the ups and down and sideways flipturns of life with one person, for the rest of forever.

Spencer W. Kimball, the prophet and president of our church from 1973 to 1985, once said, “Almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.” (find more of his comments here, if you're interested)

The older I get, the more I lean on my faith for direction in my life. And the older I get, with fewer dating options, I have tried to not be too picky about those I date. I didn’t want to miss out on a good man because of my preconceptions. So I had pretty much narrowed down my needs to two simple things: I needed a man who I could connect with spiritually and be able discuss my faith with; someone committed in their own faith and respectful of mine, with whom I could continue to grow spiritually. So spiritual connection. Secondly, I needed honest, open conversation, and lots of it. Talking is not only how you get to know a person, it’s how you build trust, work through the issues that arise, and teach each other. For me it means connection, feeling valued and respected, and mutual sharing. So maybe I'll call it intellectual/emotional connection.

When I met Andrew, those two elements were there immediately. In our very first phone conversation we both shared personal experiences and our feelings about our faith. He spoke very frankly and honestly and I did too. In the first week, though we had scarcely spent five or six hours in each other’s presence, we had spent nearly a dozen hours on the phone - in equally-sharing, honest, and varied conversation. I thought, if this is how it’s going to be forever, sign me up! A good man, with a strong commitment to living his faith, being completely honest, and learning about and with me. Awesome!

So I took one ginormous leap of faith and got engaged to a man I hardly knew, after only one week.

People have been known to do crazier things, right? Especially in our church! Both of our parents had gotten engaged after very brief courtships. We had enough faith to make it work, right?

I honestly thought the spiritual and intellectual connection were all I needed. Everything about our individual circumstances seemed to line up perfectly. It seemed like so many things had been orchestrated to put us together. And with a prophet telling me that any two people could make a marriage work, I was willing to take the plunge and do just that.

However, after spending most of the first two weeks of our relationship apart (with an engagement in between), the excitement of the reunion was extremely short-lived. Even just spending a full day together, I noticed things that felt strange, and even awkward. He would behave in ways or make comments about things that surprised me. It wasn't awful, but it seemed inconsistent with the man I had been mostly talking to all this time - this “voice on the phone.” The scariest part was that I just wasn't really attracted to him. I felt insecure and annoyed with the whole thing. But I had no idea why!

I huge pit formed in my stomach from that first night back together. I felt so shallow and superficial. How could I be put-off by the physical presence of a person I had grown so close to and cared so deeply about??? And the things is, he is not unattractive! He is a handsome man! It wasn't really about his appearance, yet that was the first way this apprehension manifested itself, and I felt horrible. Had I made a mistake….?

As the days progressed and we spent more time together, the pit would not go away. I blamed it on exhaustion, illness, and hormones. I talked to my parents, my dearest friends, and I prayed. Boy did I pray! Like every waking minute that I wasn't talking to another human being, I was talking to God. In fact, I kind of yelled at him a few times… (Don’t worry, I apologized later) I was just so confused! How could something that felt so incredibly right and happy and wonderful, now feel so devastatingly miserable?!?

We talked through my anxieties from the first time they appeared. I tried to just choose faith and work through my fears, and we had some fun and happy moments along the way, but overall I knew something was “off.” I don’t really know how else to describe it. Our relationship just wasn't right.

I felt guilty for not being as dedicated as he was, for even having doubts at all. I began to question my ability to receive and hear answers to my prayers, like I had unknowingly done something to push away the heavenly guidance I had relied so heavily upon my whole life.

When we were together I felt smothered. When we were apart again, I didn't miss him. The pressure of our engagement was horrible and making both of us act strangely. The wedding plans I had been waiting my whole life to make suddenly gave me panic attacks to even think about.

I wanted to be excited about getting married! And not just the event, but the fact that I would get to build the rest of my forever with one wonderful man! I wanted to wake up thinking about him, and miss him when we were apart. I didn't want to get married simply because I had an opportunity to. I wanted to want it.

But I just didn't. And I couldn't understand why or how I could go from one extreme to another so quickly.

So we talked through it and tried to just date. I went to the temple, prayed more, received an amazing priesthood blessing filled with precious, personal counsel, and talked more with my dear ones. Again there were some happy moments along the way, but I did not feel what I needed to feel to commit to forever. I wanted to love him with my whole heart, not halfway.

My parents told me to stop over-thinking it and just enjoy the romance and the whimsy. It took me a while to realize it, but the thing is... we didn't have any. We made a choice to get married based on an unspoken check list of qualities, and a whole lot of blind faith. But there was no real romance or "falling in love" involved. And I realized that wasn't enough for me.

At first Andrew struggled with that. He tried so hard, and make grand gestures that should have made my heart melt, but I felt nothing but guilt. He wanted to fight for me, he wanted to change, and work together to make it work. Seriously, he was incredible! But after more contemplation and much more conversation, he finally understood, and then explained to me what my anxiety had been telling me all along. We simply do not match.

He has the type of personality that just gets enough information to act, and doesn't need any more. So as soon as we were engaged, the deeper, probing questions stopped. Our conversations became imbalanced. He was content to have found a good potential wife and then go ahead and plan for forever. He kind of even forgot about me and my needs along the way - his words, not mine. Meanwhile, I was feeling undervalued and disconnected because of the lack of sharing conversation. 

A number of other factors in our respective approaches and experiences in relationships also contributed to our incompatibility. Really, no matter how much faith we had, we couldn't fake what wasn't there. I couldn't love him the way he truly deserves to be loved, and he couldn't be what I needed. All the good intentions in the world couldn't "fix" it. And really, with such a new relationship, we shouldn't have had to work so hard just to function from so early one. Isn't it supposed to be fun?!

And I guess that’s the key. When President Kimball promised “happiness and a successful marriage” he said IF they “pay the price.” I am fully aware that marriage brings challenges. Especially for this chica, who has gotten very good at being alone. However I also completely believe that relationships should develop naturally, and be enjoyable as well as exciting. That success shouldn't be forced, but guided and pursued together.

So as it turns out, I do need more than a spiritual and intellectual connection. I need chemistry, sparks, attraction, whatever you want to call it. I need romance! I need a personality that can "click" with mine. I want to be genuinely twitter-pated on my wedding day! I want to marry my favorite guy on the planet!! I want to look forward to grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, road trips, and raising babies with a man I just can’t get enough of - even when he is driving me crazy or calling me out on my crap. I want to spend our lives learning about each other, teaching one another, sharing our stories, our faith, dreams, fears, brilliant thoughts, crazy ideas, and insecurities. I want to argue and work through differences, then have fun making up and starting again. I want to learn patience and respect and empathy, together.

And I really truly believe it is possible to find that.

But it’s not because I have been fooled by too many romantic comedies or been blinded by trashy young adult literature (which I don’t read, by the way). It is because I have experienced it! I know that kind of love exists because I have felt it! I have dated some truly amazing men. Men who made me feel valued and beautiful and funny and strong, even when I was completely hormonal, emotional and straight up crazy. Men that were such awesome friends to me that I still kind of miss them. Men that made me feel like a partner, like we were part of an amazing team - for whatever length of time we spent together. And though none of those relationships worked out for the long haul - for a myriad of reasons - I have felt, in tiny glimpses and beautiful moments, the way I want to feel when I get married. Not to mention that I have seen it, in the dedicated husbands and wonderful relationships of my friends. It IS possible! It does exist!! And gosh darn it, I want it, and am willing to wait for it.

And that is why I did not get married today. Because both Andrew and I deserve that kind of love in our lives. 

Honestly, I don’t think it was a mistake to get engaged. We took a risk, a leap of faith. We tried. We both learned things in that accelerated learning environment that we couldn't have learned otherwise.  It made us face things we might not have in a slower progression. So no, it wasn't a mistake to get engaged, but it would definitely have been a mistake to get married. Even when all the outside factors line up, what really matters is internal compatibility, and we just didn't have it.

We have both needed some space to work through all this and deal with the loss, but I hope we can be friends someday. And I wish him nothing but the best. He is such a good man with a huge heart and I have no doubt that he will make someone incredibly happy someday.

I admit that I feel pretty lost right now, and there are a lot of things in my life that I am unsure of, but this I do know: At the end of the day, your spouse should be the most important person in the world, and that is not something I want to force or compromise on. Though it isn't easy, I will wait, continue clinging to hope, and praying to find the right guy for me - then work like crazy to keep him when I do.