A little over a year ago I was fresh off a trip to France. I had just completed my first half marathon and flown over top of a volcano. I was gearing up for my best friend to come visit and then go help with a newborn baby in Florida. Only halfway through, it was already shaping up to be a pretty epic year and I was genuinely happy. And yet, I never could have anticipated what my life would look like just one year later.
And that is because I flew solo for a long time. I had a few good relationships and plenty of interesting dates over the years, but I spent most of my life on my own, trying to create my own version of happiness withe the opportunities that came my way. I basically went from adventure to adventure; I always had a trip to look forward to or a new experience to anticipate. So now that I am married - although it began as one of those new adventures - somehow left me feeling a little out of sorts. Don't get me wrong, being married is loads of fun! My husband is a cutie, a total goofball who laughs at my ridiculousness and puts up with my insanity, and has these massive, muscly arms that always make me feel safe and at home. And every once in a while, he's even willing to humor me with some travel plans or other adventure-seeking schemes. However, it is so different having someone else to answer to and having a life to build with him instead of just on my own. I really hope it's not a bad thing but sometimes I honestly forget I married! And now my life is shaping into a whole other kind of adventure. Because, well, I'm pregnant.
Never would I have believed that just a year after my bucket-list adventures I would be married, living in Florida, owning a house, and expecting my first child. Never. That's INSANE!! Life is crazy and unpredictable and amazing!! Lest anyone think I'm complaining about these things, oh trust me I'm not! It's just so mind-blowingly surreal that I have a hard time processing it all. It is absolutely amazing what can happen when you trust a higher power and are willing to take chances. And it's amazing how quickly those changes can take place.
For years I have been watching my friends make cute and creative baby announcements. I have prayed for them, sent well-wishes and a few gifts when I actually got organized to, and even flew out to see and help with several of my friends' babies over the years. I have marveled over the fascinating process of becoming a mother - the intricacies and uniqueness of each pregnancy. In fact, my friend has a beautiful podcast called Cocoon: Stories of Gestation (find it here, or on Facebook) that tactfully and honestly shares a variety of stories of how pregnancy and motherhood affects women in so many completely unique, yet universal ways. I have been listening to it for years, but feeling more like I was only eavesdropping from another room. I was completely in awe of each intimate and amazing story, but I felt like I didn't really have the right to be there as a single, childless woman. Until recently, that is.
And yet, it still feels like I'm living someone else's story. Because for all those many years of living my single, celibate Super-Aunty life, I ached for a child of my own. In fact, often more than a husband, I just wanted a baby; a little human to call my own as I loved, learned, failed, and triumphed my way through the journey of parenthood. It had begun to feel like sheer fantasy, a complete impossibility. Then suddenly last year I re-met my match, got engaged, and motherhood became an entirely real and feasible option for me.
And I was terrified.
It was crazy! I had spent years hoping and praying for the opportunity to be a mother, and yet, once I was finally married and in the position to do so, I found myself paralyzed by fear. After the many expenses of our long-distance courtship and what was actually a rather small and simple wedding, then finding myself as a homeowner with limited work options for the time being, I was worried about finances. I was overwhelmed and confused by all the costly insurance options, and irritated by the complexities and costs of the American medical system - never mind the expenses of raising a child for 18+ years!
I saw dear friends struggling through the heartache of infertility, and babies lost so early in their precious lives. I saw the challenges of birth defects, disorders, illness and injury. I worried about my age and my health, whether I would be able to carry a baby considering my myriad back problems, be fit enough to keep up with children, or even get pregnant in the first place. Then there were all the impending emotional demands and stresses. I'm a ball of stress all on my own! And then of course there's the horrible state of this world, and all the discouraging and downright awful things happening to people in this very country. The list goes on! It's the craziest thing, but getting married actually made me less optimistic and more paranoid in so many ways!
However, I know that fear is of the devil (literally, it's his favorite toy) and I didn't want to let it stop me from living my life. I wasn't getting any younger, and weighing even more heavily on my heart and mind was how badly my husband wanted to be a father. He had been waiting and hoping for many years too, and though completely submissive to my choice in the matter, and even as his jokes about "making babies" waned, I could tell how important it was to him.
Interestingly, over the first few months of married life - in the midst of adjusting to each other and the highs and lows of establishing a life together - I had the opportunity to talk to and spend time with a few of my parent friends, particularly those who had experienced loss. I don't know that they'll ever understand how much their willingness to share their experience with such sincerity, faith, and maturity gave me strength and filled me with hope. Their kind examples of patience through their difficulties, and optimism in spite of their heartbreak reminded that uncertainty, loss, and pain are all part of what we are meant to experience in this life. Without the worries and fears and pains to overcome, how would we ever learn or grow or become better, more empathetic and kind human beings? Without taking chances and stepping into the darkness, I would never allow myself the possibilities of growth, whether through blissful joy or heartbreaking loss. The faith, courage and even joy I saw and felt from these friends reminded me to not let fear dictate my future, or that of my family. Any challenges that come are simply part of the beautiful journey of life, and without them, I cannot truly understand or appreciate the blessings, either.
So next I took it to God. I laid all my fears at his feet and decided to allow myself to be open to the possibility of parenthood. With all the varying stories I had heard, I had no idea what would happen or how long it would take, but I decided to just trust God and have faith that whatever would be, would be, and that every life and experience has value and meaning and impact.
And just a couple months later, I was pregnant.
It was the most surreal and strange feeling! It was so exciting, but also came with a little guilt. How was this so easy for me, but so difficult for these incredible people that were and would be the most amazing parents? I knew that was far beyond my control, and that they would of course be happy for me, but it also hurt my heart for them and I was a little nervous to share the news.
And to be honest, I didn't really "feel" pregnant. A couple weeks after finding out, the nausea arrived, and though I only actually vomited once, I felt absolutely horrible most of the time thanks to the not-just-morning-but-any-random-moment-of-the-day sickness. Fortunately, the worst of the nausea has now subsided, but I still don't really feel pregnant as much as I feel exhausted, limited, uncomfortable and chubby. I'm not really "showing" but my waistline has disappeared and all my excess pudge seems to have gathered to my front.
It may be a little less enjoyable for me because I am having my first child a little later in life, or maybe this is just my body's individual experience. And I know there are amazing women who deal with far worse symptoms than I have, so I keep my complaining to my patient husband and continue going through the motions of life. I am educating myself, following my doctor's instructions, trying to eat as healthy as I can, sleeping whenever possible, and trying to get my brain functional enough to accomplish at least one thing on my miles-long to-do list, each day.
And for some reason, (possibly due to my previous apprehensions) I still felt the need to keep things relatively private. After all those years of sharing my life and adventures with my faraway friends around the world through social media, I had this intense desire to not announce anything official about my pregnancy. We told our families right away, of course, and attempted to tell our closest friends directly (although it turns out I have a whole lot of people I consider to be "close" friends, and we didn't quite make it to everyone!) It came up a few times in conversations or necessary situations (I go to theme parks often - there had to be a disclaimer!) but for some reason, I just didn't want to make a fuss.
But it seems that declaring my affection for my husband and gratitude for his patience through my insanity (which has been relevant ever since we starting dating, I might add) obviously means I'm pregnant. Since we're newlyweds, people have just been waiting for this news, and some very blatant comments were made on my cheesy love post. I felt pressured to say something official before more assumptions were made, but opted to leave it to my overly excited, father-to-be husband, since I still didn't want to personally proclaim it to the world. And while he had several other cute and creative baby announcement ideas, what was posted under pressure was a wee bit ridiculous and confusing - even to those who somewhat understand his wacky sense of humor! Bless him. He's wanted to use that video for something for way too long, and well, here we are!
So it may not have been some ingeniously crafted Photoshop image, imaginative video, or adorable semi-professional photo shoot. It may be a little odd and surprising, but hey, so are we! And the greatest thing I have learned through the somewhat unpleasant existence that is pregnancy for me, is that it may not always be fun, but I'm not alone in this process. I don't know why I forget that so often, but I suppose I'm still letting go of my former singular ways. And hence, my uber sappy "I love my husband" post yesterday (here, in case you missed it).
Somehow being at my worst has brought out his best, and we're only a few months in! Which makes me honestly excited and helps me overcome all the frustration, fear and anxiety about this phase of our lives. Because this isn't just another adventure I'm diving into on my own. This is OUR little critter, OUR future family, OUR worry for the rest of forever, OUR child. And that makes all the difference in the world.💗💗💗
