"It'll happen when you stop thinking about it/looking for it/waiting, etc"
"You just have to sit still long enough for a man to catch you!"
"Don't worry, there's always the next life."
"You just have to put yourself out there."
"You're too good for these guys."
etc....
And as much as I would love to stop thinking about my singleness, I am constantly reminded both by the well-meaning questions of others, and the plans I make for this "Party of One."
I realize that this is the logical next step in my life according to my family and church culture. Trust me, I'd love to take it! But for some reason, the opportunity to marry has never come my way. I have dated plenty and even experienced love, so I have no room to complain - but that also means being hurt plenty and experiencing loss and heartache. My sister recently commented that love and affection cause similar feelings to heroin-induced highs. So with all my experience I am now basically like a drug addict going through withdrawals. Awesome.
I know at least half of this undertaking is within my realm of control, so I try to make an effort without obsessing over it. Over the years I have read books, attended singles activities and conferences, gone on blind dates, listened to talks and motivational speakers, dated both within and outside my church, and even tried online dating.
Fail, fail, fail.
However as I reflected recently on my dating and relationship experience, I began to recognize a pattern. It is one that I have been repeating for years, and by all indications, has done me much more harm than good. In fact this habit may actually be undermining my ability to build and hold onto a quality relationship.
It's rather pathetic, really. It seems that, in the absence of a good man in my life, I grab a hold of whatever nearest semblance comes my way. I long so much for male companionship and validation, that I cling to whatever version of it I can find - justifying things I would never allow my friends to do and putting up with things I never would in my right mind. Yep, little Miss Independent is actually Little Miss Rationalization.
Now before my loved ones freak-out, let me assure you that I still keep all the promises I have made with God. However, I have not made it easy on myself. I think I have wanted a real, loving, lasting relationship so badly and for so long, that I have been willing to put up with a series of 'almost' and 'half-way' relationships just to ease the ache. These interactions fed my ego and satisfied a tiny fraction of my desire to love and be loved, but I realize now that they were incomplete. I yearned so much to be one half of a pair that I would tolerate less than I really wanted, needed, or deserved.
To quote a favorite chick flick: "I'm a magnet for unavailable men!" (The Wedding Planner). I can't count the times I have been hit on and even pursued by married, or otherwise "claimed" men. Some managed to avoid that subject with me, while others insisted that, "it isn't serious," or that they were, "still seeing other people" or simply, "it's complicated." I have been asked out and even gone on dates with guys who were in relationships with other people, based on these weak rationale. In many cases I knew something was off but I wasn't willing to let go of the attention until the truth smacked me in the face.
On the other end of things, I have also been the '"friend" - who was so much more than just a friend. The first one they call for moral support as soon as they break up with the girl of their dreams - but the one they ignored for months when things are going well. I've been the one they vented to about all the frustrations, hurt, and lack of support in their relationship, yet they still went home to her every night. I'm the one they just love so much and think is so amazing, but not amazing enough for any sort of legitimate commitment.
Sometimes their nonavailability was simply due to poor timing or sheer logistics. In my frequent and widespread travels I have a often met great guys during a week-long stay, or right before moving on to the next adventure. In those cases, I fully acknowledged the geographic challenges and my own choices that made things challenging. And yet, even then I somehow believed that a brief little romance could become so much more so I threw myself into it, only to be disappointed again. They weren't up for taking chances on the long-term, only the momentary pleasures along the way.
I was so desperate for affection, attention, and validation that I was willing to put up with these half-assed excuses for relationships, just to have a man's presence in my world - albeit sporadic and often inappropriate. (Please forgive the cussing, but no other adjective is accurate!) And when they weren't available when I needed that comfort and companionship, I felt the loneliness and insecurities pile up even worse than when I was actually on my own. But the thing is, they were never really mine to count on or turn to.
Which leads me to the question: How on earth does a confident and independent gal like myself find herself in such a pathetic and powerless position? What was I thinking?!? Who was I trying to kid?! I made so many excuses for conversations I shouldn't have had and situations I shouldn't have been in. I was emotionally invested in an imaginary situation. Somehow I thought that one day, in some magical dream world, one of these guys was going to see the light and come running into my arms! Yet, even if they did, is that the kind of man and relationship I want? One that started with deception and heartbreak for someone else?
A few months ago I started to recognize this unhealthy pattern in my life. I can't believe it took me so long! Why didn't someone slap me and tell me how stupid I was being?! Clearly I was too comfortable with this pattern to recognize the harm it was doing. Maybe my nomadic lifestyle helped me hide my bad habits...?
Either way, I thank heaven for my personal moral standards. I have been protected and guided in spite of my mistakes and weaknesses. Fortunately I have never allowed myself to have a full-on relationship in these questionable situations, but I certainly allowed my thoughts to wander there a few times, and a part of me really wanted it to happen.
But once I recognized the pattern and came to my senses, I knew it had to stop. Not only was I making it harder for myself to find and commit to a real relationship, but I was contributing to the decay of others' relationships. I was living life on the crumbs instead of holding out for the feast! It was time to give up this fantasy world of minuscule moments of validation and fleeting affection, in order to open myself to the possibilities of a whole-hearted, sincere, committed, REAL relationship.
Now as you may have guessed, clearing out the closet of wannabe relationships and sorry excuses makes a lot of empty room. I will freely admit that it has been a tough road to go alone. Along with giving up those bits of support and friendly validation, I had to cut off the emotional sustenance I had relied on from these exchanges. I had to be willing to let go of those fleeting and inconsistent benefits in order to dump the trust issues, jealousy, insecurity, hurt, confusion, loneliness, anger, and misery of so many empty promises, vain professions and unfulfilled expectations.
Talk about ripping off a bandage to expose a gaping wound. Ouch.
It has not been an easy process. Just recognizing what I had been doing to myself all this time is painful and humiliating. Over the past few months I've also been personally attacked and criticized for a variety of my perceived mistakes and weaknesses. Funny how the critics seem to come out of the woodwork when you are most vulnerable... Cutting off the communications I had come to cherish, and pushing away the ones I claimed to love were difficult and ugly moments. It still makes me a little sad. I didn't want to, but I did it anyway. I knew I had to clear out the unhealthy relationships to make room for the mere possibility of something real and complete.
I'm learning to just be alone.
On my own.
No pretending or rationalizing or dishonesty.
It was a harsh contrast at first. I've cried more than a few times, and more than once wanted to cave to old habits and run back to an artificial embrace. Instead, I turned to God.
My Heavenly Father is the one who knows me and my eternal potential better than anyone. He is the only man who has and will always be completely there for me, the one who will never desert or forget me. He has forgiven me and loved me and guided me through so many dark moments. I am learning to fully place my faith and trust in Him and His promises.
I've also found strength in the counsel, support and examples of wonderful women - and not just "You go girl" and other generic validation (Thank you Brené Brown, Liz Gilbert, Kjersti, Heather, and so many others!). I am learning to work through my issues instead of ignoring them. I am learning to value and take care of myself because I am worth it, and not simply because a man will want me more. I'm working on controlling my reactions and carefully choosing my words. I'm enjoying my long hair because I like it and it makes me FEEL beautiful - not because men like it better that way. I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness!
Honestly, this decision has be painful. It is rough and aggravating and discouraging at times - sometimes right in the midst of feeling stronger and healthier. I still have moments of aching, confusing loneliness. But I'm okay!
I'm still plugging along, working on standing on my own two feet (with heavenly support beams!). This singular struggle is far from over, but it is possible. It is within my control. And it is entirely my own - a type of clarifying, divine discipline.
I don't remember the last time I felt God so real and close in my life. I don't remember ever feeling so weak and yet so independent and strong at the same time. I am learning to love myself, thoroughly, without anyone else telling me why I should. I am also seeing my weaknesses more clearly than I ever have, which has not only humbled me, but has helped me focus my efforts on changing and improving those things. (Ether 12:27 anyone?)
And the best part is that even if I never find my "other half," by living this way and relying upon my heavenly guide, I am already whole - alone, in a crowd or otherwise.
