¡Alabanza!

My life is very transitory. I tend to live it in 6 months to one year phases before some major change like a move or job change flips it all upside down. While that type of lifestyle has allowed for all sorts of amazing travels, adventures and people in my life, it also means that I am almost allowed in some sort of transition - either preparing for the next change or adjusting from the last one. Every so often, in the midst of my madness, it is nice to take a break and just be. This weekend was one of those, and it gave me the chance to reflect on how truly wonderful my life is right now.

I have an incredible, loving and supportive family, and although I am far from them, I have photos and phone calls, and emails and Facebook to keep me in touch with them and involved in their amazing lives. They are each incredible people with specific talents and knowledge that teach me so much.

I just ate a slice of heaven: pumpkin pie, pecan pie and cheesecake all in one. Divine I tell you!

I am healthy; I can walk, talk, write, dance and sometimes even run! I have worked with some pretty brilliant people recently who are limited by their bodies, yet they are brimming with personality, strength and beauty. I may experience back pain and want to do more to care for my body, but I can do so much and I have learned to love the beautiful body I have been given.

That amazing body just took a glorious Sunday nap! I have a large, comfortable, warm bed, and the freedom to rest when I need it. Sleep is a blessed thing that no one else is limiting right now (although I should work on allowing myself more!).

I have loyal, kind, funny, intelligent, and simply fantastic friends who love me in spite of my weaknesses and let me share in their adventures, challenges and happiness.

I am in a field I absolutely adore and feel so much passion and drive for. In only a few months I will have a teaching certificate, a Master's degree, and all the possibilities in the world awaiting me.

I live on top of the world - in the midst of the majestic rocky mountains, and have a view of a thriving city and valley from my bedroom. My "surrogate family" are among the kindest, most generous people I know, and the home they have shared with me is always safe and welcoming.

It is October: the leaves are changing in a gorgeous, fiery cascade of color, the air is crisp, the apples are ripe, and the fun and costumes of Halloween are right around the corner!

I recently saw the musical "In the Heights," one I have been waiting years to see. It was amazing how personally connected I felt to the story and characters! In addition, I was asked to return as the program assistant for the Dominican Republic study abroad next summer. The last-minute trip I found myself on has changed my life in so many ways and revealed a part of me I never knew was hidden. Despite my pale, freckled skin I have discovered so many people and cultures that have enriched and blessed my life.

I just spent the weekend listening to the inspired words of revelation from leaders, apostles and prophets called in our day and age to teach, encourage, and guide the world. I felt the calming assurance of the spirit of God as he confirmed the things I heard, and helped me understand more deeply what they meant for me personally. I have a solid personal witness of the power and glory of my God - my literally Father in Heaven - and in the role of my divine Savior and brother, Jesus Christ, in my life.

How appropriate that in this moment that I find my heart nearly bursting with happiness in the recognition of the blessings in my life, tomorrow is Thanksgiving in my Canadian homeland. And what I blessing to have grown up in a free nation so encouraging and supportive of my ambitions and dreams. A nation where even now, so much opportunity awaits when the time is right for me to return. Although I will not be there to eat turkey and pumpkin pie with my family, the spirit of thanksgiving has filled me more than any food could.

My life is not free of struggle, and I am far from perfect. I still yearn for marriage and children of my own, ache for the pains and doubts of family and friends, and get discouraged and frustrated by the selfish, angry world we live in. But for right now, today, I am simply grateful to be alive and a part of this adventure called life.

Stress: A first world problem

This week I have felt completely overwhelmed on several occasions. So I took a step back, breathed, and mustered up the courage to keep pushing through. These moments have made me think about this little devil called stress. 

Growing up I was a total stress head. I took on too much, procrastinated constantly, freaked out as the deadline quickly approached, and still managed to get done what I needed to. Actually that sounds like the end of every semester of grad school now....

When I was in high school it was so bad that I would literally get sick every semester. My dad called it my burn-out day. It was like my body had had enough of all the pressure and running around and sleep deprivation, so it caused violent illness to force me to stay at home and rest. Within a day I was refreshed and back to the madness! But clearly my lifestyle was not healthy.

I've spent a lot of time over the past few years trying to find a way to better deal with stress. I've been doing more yoga, running when my back will allow it, and sadly, giving in to chocolate cravings. I know, not exactly a balanced approach.

However, recently I have felt a difference in my perspective of potentially stressful situations. Perhaps all that thinking and experimenting finally worked! In reality, I believe it was spending a month in the Dominican Republic that made all the difference.

When I first arrived in Santo Domingo, I was shocked by how much garbage there was in the streets and parks, how poorly kept the buildings and streets were, and how scary the driving was. I had no idea how primitive it would be in so many ways, and yet many people had smartphones. Go figure!

Home is a roof over your head and family by your side.

Gradually I began to not only adjust to the ways things were, but also to understand why. There has been, and continues to be so much favoritism and corruption in government there, and really all leadership positions. The wealth is piled up in the upper class while the rest of the people struggle to cover their basic needs. And yet in the midst of this madness, they are so mellow and happy! It seems the Dominican people have mastered the art of focusing on what they CAN control and letting go of the rest.

I met an amazing guy who, in spite of the societal norms of male domination, was incredibly kind and helpful to everyone around him, and became a friend to many of the students on our program. He grew up in one of the most dangerous areas of the city and yet he spoke of how close-knit his neighborhood was. He said they were like an extended family, always checking in and watching out for one another. They had to be a little extra careful at times, but they knew someone was watching out for them. It made me think about the neighbors I had for a year and a half, never exchanging more than a brief hello in passing.

My last week there I visited a very poor area where the African traditions of hundreds of years ago are still going strong. The people are beautiful and kind and invited us to dance with them and share their music and traditions. They lived in shacks made of cinder blocks and corrugated metal. Many of the children ran around in shoes too big for them or none at all! One girl had to break the back of her shoes because they got too small and she didn't have any others. They had so little and yet they were some of the happiest and sweetest kids I have ever seen.

Then there was my host mother. Though she wasn't extremely wealthy, she had enough. Every day there would be someone extra at the house for a meal or just a visit. She kept her home clean and orderly, even though it was very simple. And she had this amazing way of making me feel like family while also providing the royal treatment by way of meals, laundry, and local advice. She made all the difference in my time there and I will always love and respect her.

For these amazing people, it was most important to know where your next meal was coming from and if your family members would be coming home that night. They don't worry so much about the latest styles, who's dating who, calorie counting, or complaining about what they don't have. They focus on what they DO have and what they CAN control.

Eventually the adventure ended and I came back to the US. From the minute I arrived, I could feel the stress building. Suddenly I had bills, contracts, appointments, late fees, car repairs, over-processed food, scheduling, and gossip flooding my mind. After a month of sleeping on a simple bed with nothing but a ceiling fan to cool me off, I found myself complaining about less-than-perfect air conditioning and stiff pillows.

I feel like North Americans have become so self-focused that we've forgotten how fortunate we really are. We've forgotten the value of hard work and the blessings of simple living. We rack up credit card bills instead of disciplining our habits of eating out, shopping, or vacationing. How much better would life be if we could learn to live simply, within our means, and actually save for new things and experiences instead of needing them right now?

Now coming from a girl who travels all the time, while also trying to survive on a grad school budget, I know this sounds hypocritical. Honestly, I am still trying to figure out my own approach and work out the details of my current situation.

But one thing I know is this: I will not allow stress to run my life anymore.

I am learning to fuel my body with real, clean, vitamin-packed food instead of the cheap and easy processed food that is so readily available. I'm learning to listen to my body, take breaks and get adequate sleep. I'm learning to pace myself and work ahead when possible, so I'm not freaking out when I hit the deadlines.

I'm learning to say no! I'm living in the moment, with my long-term goals in mind.

What more do you need? ;)

With so few immediate physical needs or safety concerns, it is so easy to think too much about insignificant things and make every little issue so much bigger than it really is. Yet all it requires is a conscious choice to control those thoughts, stay productive - not just busy, and take enough deep breaths to keep the stress in check.

I will always have a little stress in my life. I think we all need a fire under our feet to keep us moving, working, and progressing. However, I will not allow it to take over my life, destroy my body or control my happiness. Fortunately I caught myself and put an end to it.

My dad gave me a plaque a couple years ago that says. "Too blessed to be stressed." Isn't it so true?! I may have my worries and bumps along the road, but in the big scheme of things, I have all I need and so much more!

Thirty, Flirty and Thriving!

Thirty
I turned 30 about 6 months ago. Although I was in Hawaii at the time and had a lovely birthday, I was wary of this milestone year in my life. I kept thinking of the movie 13 going on 30 and how the main girl just wanted to be "30, flirty and thriving" like she had read on a magazine cover. There I was 30 years old - but I certainly didn't feel like the other two. I was single, in the middle of a graduate degree that seemed endless, weighed down by the subsequent student loan debt and still very dependent on the generosity of my amazing parents. I felt a little lost and I just felt old!


Over the following months, while working like crazy and taking care of things with my sister at my parents' home in Canada, I had a few 'aha' moments. One was reading an article on dating that helped me get closure on every break-up I have ever experienced. I realized that I had seen myself as a victim on several occasions, when my words and actions had in all actuality contributed to the failure of each relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail. Duh, right? Well it felt so freeing to finally acknowledge that, and realize that I am not single because I date jerks. I am single because love is a choice and they din't choose me. And that is totally okay! There were a few that I didn't choose either...


Moment number two came when I discovered a talk by Sheri Dew, the current CEO of Deseret Book, and at the time, a counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is called Are we not all mothers? and it changed my life. In it she speaks of the divine role of women as nurturers, protectors, and friends. Even without having children of our own, we have the blessing and even responsibility of guiding, teaching, and strengthening every child who is entrusted in our care.

Some awesome kids I met in one of the poorest areas of Santo Domingo.

Most of what I struggled with in my singleness was not having my own children. I soaked up every second with my sweet nephews and my friends' little ones, just to enjoy a few fleeting moments of their innocence and creativity. But in so many ways it was selfish and insecure, seeking love and validation through trying to fill the gaping hole in my soul. However, reading this talk helped me realize that those beautiful moments are not just for me, but for the children, and their parents, too. The time I share with them - however brief is simply another opportunity to uplift and strengthen one another. I AM a mother, because I am a woman, and it is part of who I am and who I have always been. Suddenly the frantic anxiety of my situation left. The urgency of finding a husband so that I could have a family of my own subsided, and was replaced with a peace and contentment. I still take every opportunity to snuggle with a new baby or talk and play with my nephews, but now I just enjoy it, and look for ways to serve in doing so. It is beautiful. And I feel truly blessed to have so many amazing little ones in my life, and grateful to their parents who allow me to share them on occasion :)

Best birthday gift ever! (Who I borrowed from my awesome friends Adam and Julie)

I had finally a reached a point where I was truly content with who I was and how far I had come as a person - independent of my immediate surroundings. I mean, I had always been generally happy, and trying not to dwell on my imperfections or what was lacking in my life, but I finally felt a true peace with my situation. Then my working and learning phase ended and I took off for a study abroad program in the Dominican Republic.


Flirty
Now as you can imagine, there are a million things I could share from my month-long adventure of living and learning in the Dominican Republic. Hopefully I will get my blogging butt in gear and share them soon! But most importantly, living in the DR re-taught me how to flirt.


I know, I know, pretty disgraceful, but I really think I had forgotten how! For so many years of my life I was rather boy-crazy and a huge flirt. In my early twenties I dated a lot, and was quite confident in my flirtation skills! It was a comfortable, fun behavior for me, and I feel like the boys enjoyed it too :) However, as I grew older, and admittedly tired of the dating scene, I became less confident and therefore less flirtatious. It seemed the dating options were getting younger and I was getting a little boring. But I am happy to report that the DR, and more importantly the men of the DR changed that for me. Yes men, as in plural ;)




On our first Saturday excursion, after almost a week in the country, I found myself sitting next to a guy I knew very little for a 2-hour bus ride. He was loud, he smoked, and we were about as opposite as two people can be. And yet the conversation flowed freely. I can still remember a moment when I literally thought to myself "He is hitting on me. Huh... Well, it's been awhile, maybe I'll flirt back. I need some practice." I kid you not, that was the thought that went through my head. Anyway, several conversations, a few dates, and a lots of fun times later, and despite our opposing goals and values, we are still good friends. He made me laugh. He paid for things. He helped me see myself as that young, pretty, confident girl again, and liked me in spite of our differences. In fact, I think that's what attracts him the most to me.


Now let's talk about Dominican men! Let me first explain that there are not many white people in the DR, especially in the capitol city of Santo Domingo, where I lived. Also, it is normal for men there to be very bold in their compliments - to the point that it was almost offensive to us. They feel it is disgraceful for a man to not acknowledge a beautiful woman. So they would hiss at us in the streets to get our attention, and then shower  us with comments on our beauty - in both Spanish and whatever English they could muster up. Honestly this just annoyed me until I understood the culture better.  And fortunately, when you actually become friends, this attitude turns into amazing kindness.


There were two guys who were often at the home I stayed at, Adalberto and Angel. One was a cousin and one a daughter's boyfriend, who were like sons to my host mom. When they found out that I liked to dance, they took my friends and I out a couple times. The first night we were with several others from our group. The guys danced a few songs with us, then left to meet us with some friends, but came back to pick us up and make sure we all got home safely. The next week, a few of us girls came and they went all out! They drove us to an area with the best clubs, bought drinks for everyone (yay for soda pop!), and took turns dancing with each of the girls. They took our hands to guide us safely across the busy streets and through the crazy crowds, and just took care of us all night. In an area that could have been somewhat dangerous for a bunch of Rubias (white girls), we felt completely safe. Angel loves bachata just about as much as I do, so we ended up dancing the night away to a million beautiful bachata songs! At the end of the night, they took everyone home, and even walked the girls to their doors. Back at the house, Angel made me a sandwich and we talked till the wee hours, correcting my Spanish all along the way. I felt so completely spoiled! And he wasn't even trying to date me! He was just a friend who knew how to treat a woman.

Mis 'hermanos' dominicanos: Aldalberto and Angel

Finally, there was Edwin. He will have a post of his own, because it is a great story :) But let me just say that  instead of showering me with physical compliments, he just talked with me and laughed at my attempts at humor in Spanish. He helped me with my homework and brought me chocolate or fruit or even lunch during long afternoons in the computer lab. I kept waiting for him to doing something to show that he was just another sleazy Dominican after a white girl, but he was always polite, respectful and so kind - to everyone. After several days he finally paid me my first compliment, but is was so simple and sincere! He truly made me feel special and appreciated - and he still does :)


So yes, these wonderful men reminded me that I am beautiful, intelligent and desirable, just the way I am. They reminded me that we are each individual and valuable, and have unique qualities and gifts to share. And they showed me how I can and should be treated by the men I date and associate with. They made me feel like princess every time I was around them! Suddenly I felt young, vibrant, and full of possibilities! It was like they somehow breathed new life into me just by the way they treated me. I remembered all the things I loved about myself in the past, plus all that I have learned and all that I have become. And I absolutely love it!!


Thriving
So after that emotional high, I came "home" to Utah. Now, I love Utah. I have always enjoyed visiting here, taking in the church history sites, enjoying the beautiful mountains, and catching up with friends. However I don't do well living here and coming back was a rough transition. I got very sick, was living in a temporary situation so I couldn't settle in, was overwhelmed by school and missing my DR friends. Utah is not a bad place by any means, but I just don't feel like I belong here. It's difficult to explain... It has been good for graduate school, but as my program stretched into a third year, I was having a hard time dealing with the dry, desert air, cookie cutter homes and drastically polarized attitudes of the people.


Fortunately, I have since settled in. I got over my illness, caught up on my schoolwork, reconnected with a few friends, and moved to a new neighborhood that I absolutely love. I also met with my advisor for student teaching and my final year of grad school, and I am actually excited about it!! The end is in site! And I feel completely happy with where and how I will be spending my last year in Utah.


The culmination of all these experiences of the past six months is an amazing feeling of hope, confidence, and happiness. My life is far from perfect, but it is so, so good!! I have seen so many blessings pour into my life, and I am grateful for every challenge and adventure of my glorious 30 years that have brought me to this point. I truly am thirty, flirty and thriving!! I have no idea where I will be in a year, or five, or ten, but I do know it will be awesome :)

Muchas aventuras!!

With my Hawaiian sister at the Laie temple.

Enjoying the spring snow at my parents house in Canada.

Times Square in the rain.

At the beach in Boca Chica, Dominican Republic.

So.... I must apologize for the past few months (years?) of intermittent blogging. There is so much I want to share and process through this outlet, but I realize I have a lot of time to make up. In the past six months I have lived in Hawaii, Alberta, a brief stint in Utah, and I now find myself studying Spanish in the Dominican Republic. I have experienced amazing things and met amazing people. Oh the stories I could tell! And I will, right here.

Only 4 more sleeps!

 

Heaven's eyes

Alberta skies are awesome for 3 glorious reasons: sunsets, stars, and the northern lights.

My parents house is in the country just outside of a small city. It's fairly flat, and there are no skyscrapers or bright city lights to block the view.

When the sun sets, it takes nearly an hour. It creates a completely different tapestry each evening as the last rays of light bounce off the clouds. It is simply breath-taking.

Then, as the sky darkens, the stars appear. On a clear night, you can see thousands of stars. Each night they remind me that it's the same big sky here as it was in Florida, Spain, Idaho, Israel, Hawaii or France. I often looked for the familiar constellations on my travels, and still do here at home.

The other night, I was driving to Edmonton when I looked out and realized that I was surrounded by a celestial masterpiece! To the south (my left) the sky was filled with clear, sparkling stars, most prominently Orion. He's my favorite constellation and seems to watch over me on my adventures :) To the north (my right) the sky seemed to be on fire with the dancing green glow of aurora borealis, the northern lights. It has been years since I have seen the northern lights so bright, and I was beginning to think we couldn't see them from here anymore. But there they were, as beautiful and awe-inspiring as I had remembered.

Not my pic, but that's pretty much what it looked like.

I feel so blessed to witness such incredible natural phenomena! I feel so tiny and yet so loved and completely significant all at once while standing quietly beneath the gorgeous sky. I have so many fond memories of sunsets, starry skies, northern lights and shooting stars...

Every so often, the romantic in me will wish on a star, imagining that somewhere out there, someone else is looking up and wishing for the same thing. But most of the time I just soak in the very personal moments of magic, relish in the wonder of our world, and marvel at the great wisdom of the one who created it all. 

A Father Indeed

My dad started out as a garbage man. He has worked so hard and given us so much. It's amazing what you can give and what you can become with the right perspective on life.

Right here, right now

Here I sit on an unseasonably pleasant Albertan winter day, in a quiet old house looking out over the white fields and leafless trees. It's Valentine's Day and, I think for the first time ever, I hardly noticed. Honestly, I cannot think of a single place I would rather be today. There is no one in particular for whose affections I am pining. I have no need to validate my singleness with some "Singles Awareness Day" party, nor do I feel the urge to drown my loneliness in chick flicks and ice cream. I am simply grateful. Grateful for the blessings of recognizing and following simple promptings in my life. I am grateful for my incredible family who are constantly giving and serving. I am thankful for the amazing love I feel from my Father in Heaven, and for the opportunity I have to share His love and be an instrument in His hands to lift, serve, and love His other precious children.

A few months ago I had the impression that I should take this semester off to work. Although winter was sort of an odd time to go home, it meant spending less on summer tuition instead, taking a break from school stress, and being there to help out with the house and business while my parents are service missionaries in Hawaii. As Christmas quickly approached, I doubted my decision and thought about sticking it out at school. But every time I did a wave of stress and anxiety came over me. My advisor offered to let me take her required class online, and in spite of the little speed bumps and distractions, I was ready to take a break from Utah and full-time studies.

With this time to step away from life, so to speak, I set 3 general goals for myself , focusing on family, fitness, and financial stability. I wanted to earn enough money to pay for my summer term and ease me into another round of students loans in the fall. I wanted to focus on getting my body healthy again so that I can feel energized, confident, and happy about how I look and feel. And most importantly, I wanted to strengthen my relationships with my family members through service, and establishing better communication.

Although I have been less than diligent on the physical goal, it is amazing how things are coming together for me. I am doing very physically demanding and active work, so I can already feel my muscles waking up. I have an awesome bed and usually manage to get about 8 hours of sleep. And I am enjoying the high fructose corn syrup-free foods and free-range meats that are standard fare in Alberta. My parents have been very generous while I do my best to help out, so for the first time in a very long time, money is not a primary cause of stress in my life.

Most importantly, I have been able to spend extensive amounts of time with my parents, as I helped with their different ventures in Hawaii, and now my sister, who has been holding down the fort all alone for 3 months and finally has someone to share her jokes, cook with, share a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. The friendship we have found is worth every challenge to get here. (more on that in another post...) I also get to see my older sister and nephews more often, and hopefully my brother, sister-in-law and nephew soon too.

These blessings didn't come without trials and sacrifice. I had to pay rent for an empty room for 2 and a half months because I found no one to finish out my lease. I slept very little the last weeks of school in order to finish all my final projects and pack up my things. I gave up several job opportunities in my field to work  for my dad in industrial oil. And now I live in the frozen tundra of northern Alberta where the nearest singles activities are 2 hours away, and spring doesn't come till May.

But despite the little challenges, I am simply amazed by all the blessings that have poured into my existence. I spent a beautiful and precious 6 weeks living in Hawaii, meeting wonderful friends, and gaining experiences that will last a lifetime. What should be the coldest two months of the year have lingered just below or even above freezing since I got home, with a few brief cold spells but nothing like the typical winter weather here. I'm managing to survive an online class I have very little time or energy to focus on, I have the world's most comfortable bed, and I've discovered the hilarity of "Community." And this afternoon when my little sister came home in tears after a scary doctor's appointment and uncertain future for her eyes, I was here to hold her, and to take over her responsibilities.

I can't help but think about those little impressions I had a few months ago, and how important my being here has turned out to be. That clear connection between spiritual promptings of the past with my vital presence today further proves why I need to trust in the loving God who is guiding me, ever so gently, all along my way. It strengthens my faith that other issues will work out, that someday all this debt for an advanced degree with very little monetary advantage, all my failed relationships, and all my illogical moves and adventures will make sense - and even play an important role in my life. And all through faithfully following little impressions and quiet promptings, despite what I think I want or what makes logical sense to me at the time.


"We can ask ourselves, “Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?” There are so many good things to do, but we can’t do all of them. Our Heavenly Father is most pleased when we sacrifice something good for something far greater with an eternal perspective." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Where I am and what I am doing right now is something far greater than I could ever be doing anywhere else, and I'm thankful for days like this to remember that. Happy love day everyone!

OSL

Tonight a friend of my parents suggested that instead of teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) I should teach OSL - Old, Single Language. Yep, cuz I've got old and alone mastered.

As soon as I processed what he said, I had to leave before I let the tears win, or said something rude out of anger. Considering the fact that next week is my big, scary, officially-old birthday, and I haven't slept much lately, that was rough.  Somehow his skewed sense of humor had no clue how this little jab felt more like a punch in the face.

I can't speak for all single women, but personally, I don't choose to be single. I never imagined I would not be married by now! I don't want to go through life alone! I want to set up roots and build a family! I want to have the big, special day and the white dress and the temple covenants and the flowers and the eternal promises! I want to have someone to care for, learn from, and build forever with!!

However, only half of that equation is within my control (even less if you consider location, timing, and chemistry).

So I am trying to make the most of the opportunities that come my way. I'm doing my best to be happy in spite of what I lack. I'm doing what I can to serve, love, learn and progress. I am just trying to live the life I have been given, one step at a time. And someday, somehow, some wonderful man I can't seem to get enough of will love me enough to spend forever with me!

Or not. It's such a mysterious and miraculous thing, it may never happen! The point is, it's not funny. It's not sad or to be pitied either. It just is what it is - my reality. And besides, I'm really not that old! Most people think I'm 5 years younger anyway!

So please don't harass me for something I have very little control over and is a very obvious deficit in my life. Honestly, I often forget until someone decides to slice open the topic again - and then rub a handful of salt in it. Awesome.