alone

The funny thing about being single is that everyone seems to have some sort of commentary on your existence.

"It'll happen when you stop thinking about it/looking for it/waiting, etc"
"You just have to sit still long enough for a man to catch you!"
"Don't worry, there's always the next life."
"You just have to put yourself out there."
"You're too good for these guys."
etc....

And as much as I would love to stop thinking about my singleness, I am constantly reminded both by the well-meaning questions of others, and the plans I make for this "Party of One."

I realize that this is the logical next step in my life according to my family and church culture. Trust me, I'd love to take it! But for some reason, the opportunity to marry has never come my way. I have dated plenty and even experienced love, so I have no room to complain - but that also means being hurt plenty and experiencing loss and heartache. My sister recently commented that love and affection cause similar feelings to heroin-induced highs. So with all my experience I am now basically like a drug addict going through withdrawals. Awesome.

I know at least half of this undertaking is within my realm of control, so I try to make an effort without obsessing over it. Over the years I have read books, attended singles activities and conferences, gone on blind dates, listened to talks and motivational speakers, dated both within and outside my church, and even tried online dating.

Fail, fail, fail.

However as I reflected recently on my dating and relationship experience, I began to recognize a pattern. It is one that I have been repeating for years, and by all indications, has done me much more harm than good. In fact this habit may actually be undermining my ability to build and hold onto a quality relationship.

It's rather pathetic, really. It seems that, in the absence of a good man in my life, I grab a hold of whatever nearest semblance comes my way. I long so much for male companionship and validation, that I cling to whatever version of it I can find - justifying things I would never allow my friends to do and putting up with things I never would in my right mind. Yep, little Miss Independent is actually Little Miss Rationalization.

Now before my loved ones freak-out, let me assure you that I still keep all the promises I have made with God. However, I have not made it easy on myself. I think I have wanted a real, loving, lasting relationship so badly and for so long, that I have been willing to put up with a series of 'almost' and 'half-way' relationships just to ease the ache. These interactions fed my ego and satisfied a tiny fraction of my desire to love and be loved, but I realize now that they were incomplete. I yearned so much to be one half of a pair that I would tolerate less than I really wanted, needed, or deserved.

To quote a favorite chick flick: "I'm a magnet for unavailable men!" (The Wedding Planner). I can't count the times I have been hit on and even pursued by married, or otherwise "claimed" men. Some managed to avoid that subject with me, while others insisted that, "it isn't serious," or that they were, "still seeing other people" or simply, "it's complicated." I have been asked out and even gone on dates with guys who were in relationships with other people, based on these weak rationale. In many cases I knew something was off but I wasn't willing to let go of the attention until the truth smacked me in the face.

On the other end of things, I have also been the '"friend" - who was so much more than just a friend. The first one they call for moral support as soon as they break up with the girl of their dreams - but the one they ignored for months when things are going well. I've been the one they vented to about all the frustrations, hurt, and lack of support in their relationship, yet they still went home to her every night. I'm the one they just love so much and think is so amazing, but not amazing enough for any sort of legitimate commitment.

Sometimes their nonavailability was simply due to poor timing or sheer logistics. In my frequent and widespread travels I have a often met great guys during a week-long stay, or right before moving on to the next adventure. In those cases, I fully acknowledged the geographic challenges and my own choices that made things challenging. And yet, even then I somehow believed that a brief little romance could become so much more so I threw myself into it, only to be disappointed again. They weren't up for taking chances on the long-term, only the momentary pleasures along the way.

I was so desperate for affection, attention, and validation that I was willing to put up with these half-assed excuses for relationships, just to have a man's presence in my world - albeit sporadic and often inappropriate. (Please forgive the cussing, but no other adjective is accurate!) And when they weren't available when I needed that comfort and companionship, I felt the loneliness and insecurities pile up even worse than when I was actually on my own. But the thing is, they were never really mine to count on or turn to.

Which leads me to the question: How on earth does a confident and independent gal like myself find herself in such a pathetic and powerless position? What was I thinking?!? Who was I trying to kid?! I made so many excuses for conversations I shouldn't have had and situations I shouldn't have been in.  I was emotionally invested in an imaginary situation. Somehow I thought that one day, in some magical dream world, one of these guys was going to see the light and come running into my arms! Yet, even if they did, is that the kind of man and relationship I want? One that started with deception and heartbreak for someone else?

A few months ago I started to recognize this unhealthy pattern in my life. I can't believe it took me so long! Why didn't someone slap me and tell me how stupid I was being?! Clearly I was too comfortable with this pattern to recognize the harm it was doing. Maybe my nomadic lifestyle helped me hide my bad habits...?

Either way, I thank heaven for my personal moral standards. I have been protected and guided in spite of my mistakes and weaknesses. Fortunately I have never allowed myself to have a full-on relationship in these questionable situations, but I certainly allowed my thoughts to wander there a few times, and a part of me really wanted it to happen.

But once I recognized the pattern and came to my senses, I knew it had to stop. Not only was I making it harder for myself to find and commit to a real relationship, but I was contributing to the decay of others' relationships. I was living life on the crumbs instead of holding out for the feast! It was time to give up this fantasy world of minuscule moments of validation and fleeting affection, in order to open myself to the possibilities of a whole-hearted, sincere, committed, REAL relationship.

Now as you may have guessed, clearing out the closet of wannabe relationships and sorry excuses makes a lot of empty room. I will freely admit that it has been a tough road to go alone. Along with giving up those bits of support and friendly validation, I had to cut off the emotional sustenance I had relied on from these exchanges. I had to be willing to let go of those fleeting and inconsistent benefits in order to dump the trust issues, jealousy, insecurity, hurt, confusion, loneliness, anger, and misery of so many empty promises, vain professions and unfulfilled expectations.

Talk about ripping off a bandage to expose a gaping wound. Ouch.

It has not been an easy process. Just recognizing what I had been doing to myself all this time is painful and humiliating. Over the past few months I've also been personally attacked and criticized for a variety of my perceived mistakes and weaknesses. Funny how the critics seem to come out of the woodwork when you are most vulnerable... Cutting off the communications I had come to cherish, and pushing away the ones I claimed to love were difficult and ugly moments. It still makes me a little sad. I didn't want to, but I did it anyway. I knew I had to clear out the unhealthy relationships to make room for the mere possibility of something real and complete.

I'm learning to just be alone.

On my own.

No pretending or rationalizing or dishonesty.

It was a harsh contrast at first. I've cried more than a few times, and more than once wanted to cave to old habits and run back to an artificial embrace. Instead, I turned to God.

My Heavenly Father is the one who knows me and my eternal potential better than anyone. He is the only man who has and will always be completely there for me, the one who will never desert or forget me. He has forgiven me and loved me and guided me through so many dark moments. I am learning to fully place my faith and trust in Him and His promises.

I've also found strength in the counsel, support and examples of wonderful women - and not just "You go girl" and other generic validation (Thank you Brené Brown, Liz Gilbert, Kjersti, Heather, and so many others!). I am learning to work through my issues instead of ignoring them. I am learning to value and take care of myself because I am worth it, and not simply because a man will want me more. I'm working on controlling my reactions and carefully choosing my words. I'm enjoying my long hair because I like it and it makes me FEEL beautiful - not because men like it better that way. I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness!

Honestly, this decision has be painful. It is rough and aggravating and discouraging at times - sometimes right in the midst of feeling stronger and healthier. I still have moments of aching, confusing loneliness. But I'm okay!

I'm still plugging along, working on standing on my own two feet (with heavenly support beams!). This singular struggle is far from over, but it is possible. It is within my control. And it is entirely my own - a type of clarifying, divine discipline.

I don't remember the last time I felt God so real and close in my life. I don't remember ever feeling so weak and yet so independent and strong at the same time. I am learning to love myself, thoroughly, without anyone else telling me why I should. I am also seeing my weaknesses more clearly than I ever have, which has not only humbled me, but has helped me focus my efforts on changing and improving those things. (Ether 12:27 anyone?)

And the best part is that even if I never find my "other half," by living this way and relying upon my heavenly guide, I am already whole - alone, in a crowd or otherwise.

Bbbbbbirthday!!!

“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating. 
” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

For the past year I have been an utter failure at blogging. The good news is that I was a pretty amazing success at living! I am beyond grateful for the experiences I had in that one, fascinating year. As the author quoted above said, I feel like it is a year worth celebrating! I don't suppose I changed the world, but I might have influenced a few people for the better, and I know that my own world was definitely altered. Hopefully this next year I will improve on sharing the lessons and adventure from this wonderful life of mine!

An even more exciting reason to celebrate, is the year that lies ahead! It is full of so much delicious unknown! And so many amazing adventures are already in the works! I have this incredible knack for never knowing where I will be in a year - and yet I always seem to get to where I need to be :) I have no doubt that this 32nd year in my existence will turn out similarly, and I am leaping forward into the many wonderful possibilities that come from trusting God and enjoying the moments. I've set goals, I'm discovering new dreams, and I'm reclaiming my health, happiness and independence.... at least that's my aim. Can't hurt to dream big right?!

It seems that today is the perfect day to jump back on the blogging wagon, so that I can share the incredible joy I feel in my heart right now. This is the best birthday I have had in years - not defined by the events, or even the people I have shared it with, but by how completely loved and blessed and happy I feel. I know good things are in store, and yet I have everything I need, right here and now.

It truly is a very happy birthday for me!

The big 3-1

An new day, a new year.

I hope to write about my past year when I have a little more time (yes, I know, don't hold your breath), but for now let me tell you just how happy I am to welcome in January 2013! This month brings the first of many adventures awaiting me this year, specifically with student teaching. But more importantly, it's my birth month!

And as a member of a singles ward of my church, now is the time I "transition" out of going to church with other young single people, and start going with the rest of the members in a family ward. I will no longer be considered a "young single adult," I'll be just a "single adult." Automatically old at 31. (Mind you, this won't officially happen till I graduate in a few months, it still has me thinking...)

For many, this is a difficult time as you try to find your place among the happy families and older couples while reconciling the solitude of your situation. It can feel like you've been labeled or are now officially "old." But you know what? I'm not even worried!

If I learned anything from 2012, I learned that age is relative, and I am truly the designer of my own happiness. As long as I do all the things I need to to take care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally, I surround myself with good people, and keep busy progressing towards worthwhile goals, I am happy! And quite frankly, I feel young, alive and fabulous!!

So in honor of this lovely milestone in my chronological existence, I've decided to give myself a gift every day of January 2013. Mind you, since I am still a broke student, most of these gifts will be experiences or other non-tangible gifts. I'll have to get creative!

I figure that the best gift I can give myself, and the world for that matter is to become the happiest, healthiest person I can be, and then to share my many blessings with everyone I meet. And I know that happiness begins one day at a time. I have a filled a lifetime with good and not-so-great days, and now it is time to take control and make each day happy in celebration of the wonderful gift of life I have been given.

31 days for 31 years. Nice, huh? :)

¡Alabanza!

My life is very transitory. I tend to live it in 6 months to one year phases before some major change like a move or job change flips it all upside down. While that type of lifestyle has allowed for all sorts of amazing travels, adventures and people in my life, it also means that I am almost allowed in some sort of transition - either preparing for the next change or adjusting from the last one. Every so often, in the midst of my madness, it is nice to take a break and just be. This weekend was one of those, and it gave me the chance to reflect on how truly wonderful my life is right now.

I have an incredible, loving and supportive family, and although I am far from them, I have photos and phone calls, and emails and Facebook to keep me in touch with them and involved in their amazing lives. They are each incredible people with specific talents and knowledge that teach me so much.

I just ate a slice of heaven: pumpkin pie, pecan pie and cheesecake all in one. Divine I tell you!

I am healthy; I can walk, talk, write, dance and sometimes even run! I have worked with some pretty brilliant people recently who are limited by their bodies, yet they are brimming with personality, strength and beauty. I may experience back pain and want to do more to care for my body, but I can do so much and I have learned to love the beautiful body I have been given.

That amazing body just took a glorious Sunday nap! I have a large, comfortable, warm bed, and the freedom to rest when I need it. Sleep is a blessed thing that no one else is limiting right now (although I should work on allowing myself more!).

I have loyal, kind, funny, intelligent, and simply fantastic friends who love me in spite of my weaknesses and let me share in their adventures, challenges and happiness.

I am in a field I absolutely adore and feel so much passion and drive for. In only a few months I will have a teaching certificate, a Master's degree, and all the possibilities in the world awaiting me.

I live on top of the world - in the midst of the majestic rocky mountains, and have a view of a thriving city and valley from my bedroom. My "surrogate family" are among the kindest, most generous people I know, and the home they have shared with me is always safe and welcoming.

It is October: the leaves are changing in a gorgeous, fiery cascade of color, the air is crisp, the apples are ripe, and the fun and costumes of Halloween are right around the corner!

I recently saw the musical "In the Heights," one I have been waiting years to see. It was amazing how personally connected I felt to the story and characters! In addition, I was asked to return as the program assistant for the Dominican Republic study abroad next summer. The last-minute trip I found myself on has changed my life in so many ways and revealed a part of me I never knew was hidden. Despite my pale, freckled skin I have discovered so many people and cultures that have enriched and blessed my life.

I just spent the weekend listening to the inspired words of revelation from leaders, apostles and prophets called in our day and age to teach, encourage, and guide the world. I felt the calming assurance of the spirit of God as he confirmed the things I heard, and helped me understand more deeply what they meant for me personally. I have a solid personal witness of the power and glory of my God - my literally Father in Heaven - and in the role of my divine Savior and brother, Jesus Christ, in my life.

How appropriate that in this moment that I find my heart nearly bursting with happiness in the recognition of the blessings in my life, tomorrow is Thanksgiving in my Canadian homeland. And what I blessing to have grown up in a free nation so encouraging and supportive of my ambitions and dreams. A nation where even now, so much opportunity awaits when the time is right for me to return. Although I will not be there to eat turkey and pumpkin pie with my family, the spirit of thanksgiving has filled me more than any food could.

My life is not free of struggle, and I am far from perfect. I still yearn for marriage and children of my own, ache for the pains and doubts of family and friends, and get discouraged and frustrated by the selfish, angry world we live in. But for right now, today, I am simply grateful to be alive and a part of this adventure called life.

Stress: A first world problem

This week I have felt completely overwhelmed on several occasions. So I took a step back, breathed, and mustered up the courage to keep pushing through. These moments have made me think about this little devil called stress. 

Growing up I was a total stress head. I took on too much, procrastinated constantly, freaked out as the deadline quickly approached, and still managed to get done what I needed to. Actually that sounds like the end of every semester of grad school now....

When I was in high school it was so bad that I would literally get sick every semester. My dad called it my burn-out day. It was like my body had had enough of all the pressure and running around and sleep deprivation, so it caused violent illness to force me to stay at home and rest. Within a day I was refreshed and back to the madness! But clearly my lifestyle was not healthy.

I've spent a lot of time over the past few years trying to find a way to better deal with stress. I've been doing more yoga, running when my back will allow it, and sadly, giving in to chocolate cravings. I know, not exactly a balanced approach.

However, recently I have felt a difference in my perspective of potentially stressful situations. Perhaps all that thinking and experimenting finally worked! In reality, I believe it was spending a month in the Dominican Republic that made all the difference.

When I first arrived in Santo Domingo, I was shocked by how much garbage there was in the streets and parks, how poorly kept the buildings and streets were, and how scary the driving was. I had no idea how primitive it would be in so many ways, and yet many people had smartphones. Go figure!

Home is a roof over your head and family by your side.

Gradually I began to not only adjust to the ways things were, but also to understand why. There has been, and continues to be so much favoritism and corruption in government there, and really all leadership positions. The wealth is piled up in the upper class while the rest of the people struggle to cover their basic needs. And yet in the midst of this madness, they are so mellow and happy! It seems the Dominican people have mastered the art of focusing on what they CAN control and letting go of the rest.

I met an amazing guy who, in spite of the societal norms of male domination, was incredibly kind and helpful to everyone around him, and became a friend to many of the students on our program. He grew up in one of the most dangerous areas of the city and yet he spoke of how close-knit his neighborhood was. He said they were like an extended family, always checking in and watching out for one another. They had to be a little extra careful at times, but they knew someone was watching out for them. It made me think about the neighbors I had for a year and a half, never exchanging more than a brief hello in passing.

My last week there I visited a very poor area where the African traditions of hundreds of years ago are still going strong. The people are beautiful and kind and invited us to dance with them and share their music and traditions. They lived in shacks made of cinder blocks and corrugated metal. Many of the children ran around in shoes too big for them or none at all! One girl had to break the back of her shoes because they got too small and she didn't have any others. They had so little and yet they were some of the happiest and sweetest kids I have ever seen.

Then there was my host mother. Though she wasn't extremely wealthy, she had enough. Every day there would be someone extra at the house for a meal or just a visit. She kept her home clean and orderly, even though it was very simple. And she had this amazing way of making me feel like family while also providing the royal treatment by way of meals, laundry, and local advice. She made all the difference in my time there and I will always love and respect her.

For these amazing people, it was most important to know where your next meal was coming from and if your family members would be coming home that night. They don't worry so much about the latest styles, who's dating who, calorie counting, or complaining about what they don't have. They focus on what they DO have and what they CAN control.

Eventually the adventure ended and I came back to the US. From the minute I arrived, I could feel the stress building. Suddenly I had bills, contracts, appointments, late fees, car repairs, over-processed food, scheduling, and gossip flooding my mind. After a month of sleeping on a simple bed with nothing but a ceiling fan to cool me off, I found myself complaining about less-than-perfect air conditioning and stiff pillows.

I feel like North Americans have become so self-focused that we've forgotten how fortunate we really are. We've forgotten the value of hard work and the blessings of simple living. We rack up credit card bills instead of disciplining our habits of eating out, shopping, or vacationing. How much better would life be if we could learn to live simply, within our means, and actually save for new things and experiences instead of needing them right now?

Now coming from a girl who travels all the time, while also trying to survive on a grad school budget, I know this sounds hypocritical. Honestly, I am still trying to figure out my own approach and work out the details of my current situation.

But one thing I know is this: I will not allow stress to run my life anymore.

I am learning to fuel my body with real, clean, vitamin-packed food instead of the cheap and easy processed food that is so readily available. I'm learning to listen to my body, take breaks and get adequate sleep. I'm learning to pace myself and work ahead when possible, so I'm not freaking out when I hit the deadlines.

I'm learning to say no! I'm living in the moment, with my long-term goals in mind.

What more do you need? ;)

With so few immediate physical needs or safety concerns, it is so easy to think too much about insignificant things and make every little issue so much bigger than it really is. Yet all it requires is a conscious choice to control those thoughts, stay productive - not just busy, and take enough deep breaths to keep the stress in check.

I will always have a little stress in my life. I think we all need a fire under our feet to keep us moving, working, and progressing. However, I will not allow it to take over my life, destroy my body or control my happiness. Fortunately I caught myself and put an end to it.

My dad gave me a plaque a couple years ago that says. "Too blessed to be stressed." Isn't it so true?! I may have my worries and bumps along the road, but in the big scheme of things, I have all I need and so much more!

Thirty, Flirty and Thriving!

Thirty
I turned 30 about 6 months ago. Although I was in Hawaii at the time and had a lovely birthday, I was wary of this milestone year in my life. I kept thinking of the movie 13 going on 30 and how the main girl just wanted to be "30, flirty and thriving" like she had read on a magazine cover. There I was 30 years old - but I certainly didn't feel like the other two. I was single, in the middle of a graduate degree that seemed endless, weighed down by the subsequent student loan debt and still very dependent on the generosity of my amazing parents. I felt a little lost and I just felt old!


Over the following months, while working like crazy and taking care of things with my sister at my parents' home in Canada, I had a few 'aha' moments. One was reading an article on dating that helped me get closure on every break-up I have ever experienced. I realized that I had seen myself as a victim on several occasions, when my words and actions had in all actuality contributed to the failure of each relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship succeed or fail. Duh, right? Well it felt so freeing to finally acknowledge that, and realize that I am not single because I date jerks. I am single because love is a choice and they din't choose me. And that is totally okay! There were a few that I didn't choose either...


Moment number two came when I discovered a talk by Sheri Dew, the current CEO of Deseret Book, and at the time, a counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is called Are we not all mothers? and it changed my life. In it she speaks of the divine role of women as nurturers, protectors, and friends. Even without having children of our own, we have the blessing and even responsibility of guiding, teaching, and strengthening every child who is entrusted in our care.

Some awesome kids I met in one of the poorest areas of Santo Domingo.

Most of what I struggled with in my singleness was not having my own children. I soaked up every second with my sweet nephews and my friends' little ones, just to enjoy a few fleeting moments of their innocence and creativity. But in so many ways it was selfish and insecure, seeking love and validation through trying to fill the gaping hole in my soul. However, reading this talk helped me realize that those beautiful moments are not just for me, but for the children, and their parents, too. The time I share with them - however brief is simply another opportunity to uplift and strengthen one another. I AM a mother, because I am a woman, and it is part of who I am and who I have always been. Suddenly the frantic anxiety of my situation left. The urgency of finding a husband so that I could have a family of my own subsided, and was replaced with a peace and contentment. I still take every opportunity to snuggle with a new baby or talk and play with my nephews, but now I just enjoy it, and look for ways to serve in doing so. It is beautiful. And I feel truly blessed to have so many amazing little ones in my life, and grateful to their parents who allow me to share them on occasion :)

Best birthday gift ever! (Who I borrowed from my awesome friends Adam and Julie)

I had finally a reached a point where I was truly content with who I was and how far I had come as a person - independent of my immediate surroundings. I mean, I had always been generally happy, and trying not to dwell on my imperfections or what was lacking in my life, but I finally felt a true peace with my situation. Then my working and learning phase ended and I took off for a study abroad program in the Dominican Republic.


Flirty
Now as you can imagine, there are a million things I could share from my month-long adventure of living and learning in the Dominican Republic. Hopefully I will get my blogging butt in gear and share them soon! But most importantly, living in the DR re-taught me how to flirt.


I know, I know, pretty disgraceful, but I really think I had forgotten how! For so many years of my life I was rather boy-crazy and a huge flirt. In my early twenties I dated a lot, and was quite confident in my flirtation skills! It was a comfortable, fun behavior for me, and I feel like the boys enjoyed it too :) However, as I grew older, and admittedly tired of the dating scene, I became less confident and therefore less flirtatious. It seemed the dating options were getting younger and I was getting a little boring. But I am happy to report that the DR, and more importantly the men of the DR changed that for me. Yes men, as in plural ;)




On our first Saturday excursion, after almost a week in the country, I found myself sitting next to a guy I knew very little for a 2-hour bus ride. He was loud, he smoked, and we were about as opposite as two people can be. And yet the conversation flowed freely. I can still remember a moment when I literally thought to myself "He is hitting on me. Huh... Well, it's been awhile, maybe I'll flirt back. I need some practice." I kid you not, that was the thought that went through my head. Anyway, several conversations, a few dates, and a lots of fun times later, and despite our opposing goals and values, we are still good friends. He made me laugh. He paid for things. He helped me see myself as that young, pretty, confident girl again, and liked me in spite of our differences. In fact, I think that's what attracts him the most to me.


Now let's talk about Dominican men! Let me first explain that there are not many white people in the DR, especially in the capitol city of Santo Domingo, where I lived. Also, it is normal for men there to be very bold in their compliments - to the point that it was almost offensive to us. They feel it is disgraceful for a man to not acknowledge a beautiful woman. So they would hiss at us in the streets to get our attention, and then shower  us with comments on our beauty - in both Spanish and whatever English they could muster up. Honestly this just annoyed me until I understood the culture better.  And fortunately, when you actually become friends, this attitude turns into amazing kindness.


There were two guys who were often at the home I stayed at, Adalberto and Angel. One was a cousin and one a daughter's boyfriend, who were like sons to my host mom. When they found out that I liked to dance, they took my friends and I out a couple times. The first night we were with several others from our group. The guys danced a few songs with us, then left to meet us with some friends, but came back to pick us up and make sure we all got home safely. The next week, a few of us girls came and they went all out! They drove us to an area with the best clubs, bought drinks for everyone (yay for soda pop!), and took turns dancing with each of the girls. They took our hands to guide us safely across the busy streets and through the crazy crowds, and just took care of us all night. In an area that could have been somewhat dangerous for a bunch of Rubias (white girls), we felt completely safe. Angel loves bachata just about as much as I do, so we ended up dancing the night away to a million beautiful bachata songs! At the end of the night, they took everyone home, and even walked the girls to their doors. Back at the house, Angel made me a sandwich and we talked till the wee hours, correcting my Spanish all along the way. I felt so completely spoiled! And he wasn't even trying to date me! He was just a friend who knew how to treat a woman.

Mis 'hermanos' dominicanos: Aldalberto and Angel

Finally, there was Edwin. He will have a post of his own, because it is a great story :) But let me just say that  instead of showering me with physical compliments, he just talked with me and laughed at my attempts at humor in Spanish. He helped me with my homework and brought me chocolate or fruit or even lunch during long afternoons in the computer lab. I kept waiting for him to doing something to show that he was just another sleazy Dominican after a white girl, but he was always polite, respectful and so kind - to everyone. After several days he finally paid me my first compliment, but is was so simple and sincere! He truly made me feel special and appreciated - and he still does :)


So yes, these wonderful men reminded me that I am beautiful, intelligent and desirable, just the way I am. They reminded me that we are each individual and valuable, and have unique qualities and gifts to share. And they showed me how I can and should be treated by the men I date and associate with. They made me feel like princess every time I was around them! Suddenly I felt young, vibrant, and full of possibilities! It was like they somehow breathed new life into me just by the way they treated me. I remembered all the things I loved about myself in the past, plus all that I have learned and all that I have become. And I absolutely love it!!


Thriving
So after that emotional high, I came "home" to Utah. Now, I love Utah. I have always enjoyed visiting here, taking in the church history sites, enjoying the beautiful mountains, and catching up with friends. However I don't do well living here and coming back was a rough transition. I got very sick, was living in a temporary situation so I couldn't settle in, was overwhelmed by school and missing my DR friends. Utah is not a bad place by any means, but I just don't feel like I belong here. It's difficult to explain... It has been good for graduate school, but as my program stretched into a third year, I was having a hard time dealing with the dry, desert air, cookie cutter homes and drastically polarized attitudes of the people.


Fortunately, I have since settled in. I got over my illness, caught up on my schoolwork, reconnected with a few friends, and moved to a new neighborhood that I absolutely love. I also met with my advisor for student teaching and my final year of grad school, and I am actually excited about it!! The end is in site! And I feel completely happy with where and how I will be spending my last year in Utah.


The culmination of all these experiences of the past six months is an amazing feeling of hope, confidence, and happiness. My life is far from perfect, but it is so, so good!! I have seen so many blessings pour into my life, and I am grateful for every challenge and adventure of my glorious 30 years that have brought me to this point. I truly am thirty, flirty and thriving!! I have no idea where I will be in a year, or five, or ten, but I do know it will be awesome :)