hmmm...

I am a dreamer and a schemer. I always have been. I like to take chances and go on adventures. I believe all things are possible if you want them badly enough and are willing to fight for them. Of course, I also think there is a careful balance to be found between my own will, and that of the Lord. However, I believe He wants me to be happy and therefore pursue my dreams.

Lots of people look at my life and think, "Wow, you've done so many cool things! You've traveled to so many places and you have so many friends. Your life is so exciting!"
And they are right. I have done some pretty cool stuff. I took the opportunities that came my way, and I have been very blessed.

But sometimes I think that I just keep setting myself up for disappointment. The higher you reach, the further you have to fall when someone pulls the step out from under you. The bigger the dream, the bigger the heartache when it gets squashed.

Maybe if I wasn't such a dreamer I wouldn't get so hurt. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone. Maybe I would keep the same job for more than a year. Maybe I would actually establish myself somewhere. Maybe I could be a mom.

Is that the price of happiest? Giving up the crazy dreams for the sheer chance of stability, acceptance, real love... Or do I keep searching amongst the impossibilities?

And if I stop dreaming and scheming and fighting and believing, would I really still be me?

The Beach

A little over a year ago I was in Tampa with friends, and we decided to go to the beach at night. Ok, I decided, and my crazy-awesome friends came along for the ride. Since I hadn’t been there in a while, one of the locals took the lead. We followed him along the regular route, and all sorts of familiar territory. I was about at the point of feeling confident on my own, and thought I had figured out where we were at (I have a pretty good sense of direction). But then we came to a police barrier and had to take a detour.
Again, I followed. But I was skeptical. I did not recognize the new route. Time was passing, we were still driving and I was getting aggravated. Every few minutes I would get caught up in conversation, start singing along to the radio, and enjoying the ride. But then an unexpected turn or unfamiliar street would get me riled up again. I even began to insult our leader, thinking he was lost himself and was just leading us further away from our destination.
By the time we finally reached the beach - almost 2 hours later - I was so annoyed. I felt like he had led us on a crazy-long drive on purpose and I was so mad at him. I got out of the car biting my tongue, and stomped off to the water.
I kicked off my flip-flops as soon as I hit the sand, and within seconds I was mesmerized by the sound of the waves crashing along the shore. The wind whipped through my hair and the stars sparkled overhead as we waded in the cool springtime waters of the Gulf. All my anger and tension melted away with the complete peace and calm that I felt there on the beach. Suddenly that miserable drive was worth every second, just to enjoy a blissful hour under the stars at the beach.
On the way home we drove back the way we normally would have, and I finally got some answers. The cause of our detour had been a nasty car accident across all four lanes of the main bridge connecting the smaller island to the mainland. By the time we left they had cleared it and reopened to bridge so we could see why we had been redirected.
Only then did I realize that our friend had been guiding us to the best alternate route, albeit long, twisting, and confusing. So even though he knew the way and was trying his best to get us to the beach - and he knew how important it was to me – I didn’t understand, and got upset with the very person who was doing the most to help me. He stuck with us and led us all the way there. All I could see were unnecessary turns and the ridiculously long time it took to get there. It was different from what I knew and had planned for, so it frustrated me. I assumed I knew better instead of just trusting my guide and enjoying the drive. Fortunately for me, I still followed despite my doubts and grumbling, so I eventually made it. And in the end, it was even better that I had ever anticipated.

The next day, as I was retelling the story, I discovered an allegory in my experience. Now bear with me, but isn’t that how life is at times? You are cruising along thinking you know exactly where you are going, and you are in control. You know what you want, and it’s so close you can almost taste it! You’ve got plans and goals and you are so excited to get there. But then, all of a sudden, you hit a roadblock – inexplicably you are sent in a new direction.
You are frustrated, confused, but not alone. You have the counsel and support of wise parents, friends, and leaders to guide you. Most importantly, you have a Savior leading the way; one who has been there before and knows exactly what you need to reach your goals. He knows the desires of your heart, and even better, your individual needs. He knows your potential, and is virtually leading you by the hand through the unexpected turns and challenges of life. Yet in spite of all that assurance, you doubt, question, and even insult those who are trying the most to help you.
My life has taken several detours over the past year. It is not always what I want or expect, and it has certainly not been the easiest path. However, I know that this crazy, long, and unfamiliar path will eventually lead me to my destination. I know it will be worth every painful moment in between. Someday all the pieces will come together for me, and I will feel the total peace, satisfaction, and sheer joy of reaching my goal. Not to mention the blessing of all the amazing adventures, experiences, and friends I will am finding along the way. My ‘beach’ will be more peaceful and beautiful and happy than I could have ever anticipated, and I’ll appreciate it so much more because of the long and winding road I’m taking to get there.

Whatever your ‘beach’ is, keep holding on the way and trust in your guide. He knows what He is doing, and He will never lead you astray. And don’t forget to sing along to the music and enjoy the scenery along the way. Half the joy of the destination is found in the journey. Savor the glimpses and make the most of the moments. No matter how long it takes, we can - and must - choose to be happy along the way.

Happy...

Looks like this:

I just spent 17 days with a guy who makes me laugh, lets me cry, teaches me things, challenges me, teases me relentlessly, and is ridiculously good-looking. Every day I woke up and realized it was really happening. Yep, we traveled France and Italy together, and didn't even want to kill eachother at the end. This is dating on crack! And you pretty much have to be insane to attempt it. But we did, and it was wonderful.

I'm sure I will further elaborate on our adventures, but for now, let me share the greatest lesson I gained from these past couple weeks:
Life is meant to be lived by two. It is so much easier, and happier, when spent with another person. It is so much better to be part of a team, to lead sometimes, and to follow in others. To make decisions together. To face frustrations and opposition from 2 perspectives. Happiness is not just about the journey, but about sharing it. It's about grocery shopping, cooking, catching trains, climbing mountains, sleeping on the beach, swapping ice cream cones, taking pictures at arms length, sunsets, full moons, exhaustion, sunburn, pizza, talking till the wee small hours of the morning, kisses, crepes, laughing uncontrollably, and eating way too much chocolate.

It only took me a couple weeks to figure out what I've been skirting around for years. Not that I can't have fun, learn, and enjoy life on my own, but I have now experienced a glimpse of why we spent our lives searching for our "other half." We are incomplete alone.

Someday I'll be complete for real! For now, I treasure the glimpses:)

Dreaming the Impossible Dream

I am currently planning a roadtrip around southern France and Italy. It's only, like, 16 hours of driving through twisting, toll-scattered roads in a teeny, european rental car. Yes, I may just be insane.
But I miraculously got 6 days off work, including 4 PAID days, so now I have to go!! The only questions remaining are how much I'll actually get to see, and if my co-pilot will make it across the ocean in time to join me on this wild adventure...

My daily dose of Grey's

I have this strange new obsession with Grey's Anatomy. I never watched it in the US, but now I LOVE it, and watch it every day I can - but in french. I seriously feel like I know these people. I laugh out loud and cry with them. Perhaps it is my substitute for my real friends who are a million miles away. Or maybe it's the refreshing hour of American mentality and relationships. Or maybe I am just one of milllions sucked into the drama of Seattle Grace Hospital. Whatever it is, I can't seem to get enough!
So today I did a personality quiz and it turns out I match Cristina. I never would have guessed her, but after reading the profile, it really fits:
Very few people have, or can understand, the sheer determination and drive that propels you, but you’re just as fiercely protective of your friends as you are of your own hopes and dreams. If they’re smart, your friends already know that. They also know that you’re more vulnerable than you seem and are only glad to offer a shoulder to cry on.

Except that I would have married Burke if I were her...

Random thoughts on yoga, kids, and manly men.

*I bought a yoga mat today. I have officially converted to yoga, though I still do other work-outs too. This transition began with the fitness channel and morning yoga with Bethany. But I was scared off by a hardcore asian dude who was way too bendy. However my yoga-ness has been fortified recently thanks to the great Bob Harper - no relation:)

In my little shoebox apartment, I have just enough room for an on-the-spot work-out. Thanks to the genius people who created the Biggest Loser, I have 2 dvds that kick my trash and help me melt off the pastries - all within the constraints of my little french haven. And the best part is that Bob Harper is so good at what he does, that I really do feel like he is talking to me, and encouraging me through the work-outs. Hey, don't knock it till you've tried it! I have already noticed improvements in my flexibility, core strength, and balance with each time I do the yoga dvd. Between all the standing at work and walking in between, yoga is saving my back! Thank heaven for yoga, and Bob Harper. Love that man.

*I love kids! I love the simplicity of their joys and the innocence of their little worlds. And I love the genius things they come up with. We don't give kids enough credit. The other day, a little boy walked right up to the reception with his dad and stood on his tip toes, peeking over the counter while I checked them in. He introduced himself to me, told me about family, and even invited me to his birthday party. His name was Lenny. A stellar young man of 7 years.

Later that day, a father sat his son on the counter. The little boy instantly started talking to me, "Bonjour, ca va?" He was so sweet and confident! When I asked how old he was, he said, "2 and a half" and showed me the half with squinty eys behind his pinched thumb and forefinger. I said, "2 and a half? So almost 3 huh?" "Buh, oauh!" Which would be the english equivalent of "Yeah, of course!" Such a wit! And sooo cute!

I have similar experiences every week at church. Like the 6 yr old twins I knew before, but of course don't remember me. One of them was like, "Marie is scared of you but I'm not. Aunty knows you so it's no big deal. I'm not scared!"

The best part is that all of this took place in French. Kids are even more adorable in a foreign language. Another of my favorite things at work:)

The other things I love to watch at church are the parents. They are such wonderful people, and work so hard to teach their children what's right. They are so full of love, yet so strong! I want to be that kind of parent. I want a husband as supportive and wonderful as those men.

*And on that note, I have gained a new appreciation for manly men while living in France. Like, the kind of men that lift weights and play sports involving more than just your legs. Men who could actually defend you if necessary, instead of the other way around. Men who recognize and find fulfillment in their responsibilities as leaders, providers, and protectors without disrepecting or controlling the women in their lives. I know a lot of really awesome, manly men. They are inspiring. I hope and pray I will be worthy to marry one someday.

The crazy things I do in Paris

After a month in France, I decided I needed to see the Eiffel tower. And I wanted to wander around Notre Dame and get ice cream from this great place on Ile St. Louis. But everyone I knew was busy so I went by myself. In the metro I saw a group of guys speaking Dutch, and I got gutsy. I asked if they spoke english and if they were going to the Eiffel tower. They answered yes to both, and invited me to tag along. I spent the afternoon wandering around Paris with 5 strangers from Belgium. It was so fun! And I got my ice cream, too.

I love Paris:)