A Priceless Jewell

Have you ever read the book or seen the movie 'The Bridge to Terabithia'? It is a beautiful story of two good kids having a tough time with life who find each other and create their own little world together. They learn to love and help one another and become better people as they develop their own gifts and discover a place where they are the rulers, and no one can crush them. This theme is especially precious when (SPOILER ALERT!) one of these dear friends passes away unexpectedly. Losing her is awful and yet he has learned so much from her that he carries on her dreams and her legacy by sharing the magical world they created.


This is just a wonderful story on its own, but today it touched me very closely. See, one of my best friends passed away last Friday. Jewell Aurora Milam was 26; a wife of six years, mother to two of the most beautiful children ever created, a supportive and loving sister and daughter, and a kind, fun-loving, loyal friend. We met on our very first day of college, walking home from orientation, and just hit it off. We clicked – like we were destined to be friends. We got excited about the same things, we understood each other’s humor and thought processes; we just fit. We were definitely very different and yet so much was the same. We saw each other through highs, lows, happiness and heartache. We could talk for hours, about anything and everything, and even after time apart, we would always just pick right back up where we left off.

About a month ago I went to visit with and say goodbye to my dear friend. And today I got home from attending her funeral. It was awful to see the hearse and casket and feel the reality sink in. It was heartbreaking to see her big, strong husband hunched over in tears. BUT – it was absolutely wonderful to see so many people come together to celebrate her brief but beautiful life. It was so comforting to hear words spoken of a loving Savior and an all-encompassing, infinite atonement; then of a plan for eternal progression prepared by a wise father in heaven. It was encouraging to think of the promises of eternity. And it was strengthening to feel the embrace of so many individuals I have the blessing to know and love because of this precious woman that touched us all.

It was a perfectly beautiful, cool but sunny day. We looked at pictures and read her own scrapbook commentaries and shared stories. We sang and heard some of her favorite music, while surrounded by some of her favorite flowers, and of course lots and lots of pink;) Her body was laid in a peaceful cemetery on a hill, shaded by lots of tall trees, including spruce, her favorite. There were many tears, but also many grateful and reminiscent smiles.

I will be forever grateful for the nearly eight years I had the privilege to have such a beautiful soul as my best friend. She taught me to get excited about the simple things, to dance and laugh and love like nothing else matters. She had weaknesses and struggles like everyone else, but she did her best to face them and fight when she could, and let go when she couldn’t, but she wouldn’t lose the lesson. She loved to play and party and just be happy with whatever the adventure was that day. She was a true gem of a person – a jewel that could light up the sky, just like her name:)

Over the past few months as she came to terms with her situation, she never lost faith in God’s plan for her, and his divine purposes in all things. She said she knew it was all for a reason, and we all needed to learn something from her situation. She didn’t understand why but she knew that someday it would all make sense, and that either way everything would be ok.

Marvin J. Ashton once said:"Being of good cheer makes it possible for us to turn all our sunsets into sunrises." I think "good cheer" perfectly describes Jewell's approach to life. Now is the sunset on her life, but she has left us with so many beautiful sunrises and potential for new beginnings.

And that brings me back to Terabithia. To see that special place you had to stop worrying about reality, “close your eyes and keep your mind wide open.” A song over the closing credits said, “tomorrow’s horizons, full of surprises – don’t let them take your dream away.” You could be your very best there, with nothing else holding you back – but you had to choose to believe. And then you had to share the dream and look to the future.

We cannot control what life may bring our way. We don’t know what we will be called to endure, or what blessings lie in store. But we can decide how we will live along the way and how we will handle whatever comes. We can believe, trust, dance, love, laugh, adventure, dream, and choose to see something more. I have always been very passionate about living life to its fullest but Jewell taught me to see every moment that way. And her short life has inspired me to focus on the really important things, and not waste my time with diversions. I cannot bring her back, but I can keep her legacy alive by sharing who she was and believing in dreams, like she did. I won't forget her; I'll live better each day because of what she taught me. Our friendship can last forever if I live like she would. More than ever, I want to keep my mind wide open to all the possibilities and live every day the best that I can. I will choose to be happy, to believe and dream.
But not just for me - I’ll do it for Jewell.

Perspective

I have been doing entirely too much thinking lately. It is quite honestly weighing me down - more than my usually stressed tendencies! But my entire life perspective has changed over the past two weeks. All the things that might concern a single, 26-year-old Mormon working girl seem relatively meaningless right now. It's a new sort of stress. I feel very heavy, yet so fortunate, and divinely sustained. Thank heaven for my testimony of the Atonement!

I got a call Wednesday July 30 from my best friend's husband. She's been battling cancer for a couple years; this last year has been awful. I have left about a million messages for her, and only talked to her a handful of times. Each time she seems a little more distant and tired. So a call from her husband was an instant sign of bad news.

As predicted, they hit a wall. She has had about every treatment imaginable and her body just isn't responding anymore. They finally gave her a time frame, and it was 2-4 weeks.

So I bought a plane ticket that night and flew out the next day. I've never done that before. I'm kicking myself for not going to see her sooner, but it just never worked out. Anyway, I just got to spend a week with some of the most adorable people in the world.

My beautiful friend had some really rough days while i was there, and some better days, depending on the balance of drugs and how well her pain was controlled. She doesn't look much like the girl I remember, but she's still my best friend:) I got to spend one afternoon with her, just the two of us, and we talked, laughed, sang, listened to music and reminisced. We talked about her husband and kids, whom I spent most of that week with. She thanked me for coming out, not just for her, but for them, and for being a light and support they needed. She was not happy with her body, but at peace with her situation, and comforted in knowing that everyone would be taken care of without her. It was such a precious time to just be with my dear friend; to help her relax and remember the happy times we've had. I will always remember that afternoon, and I'm so grateful for it.

During that week I also changed diapers, made meals, tucked into bed, played, sang, braided hair, and dressed up for church two of the world's most amazing children. I love them so much! I have since each of them were born, but after being with them that week, I would give my left arm for those kids. It was so hard to leave!

And finally, I had the opportunity to get to know their father in a way I had never seen before. He was just a punk guy who fell for my roommate almost seven years ago. Although he had always been a good guy - taking care of her and checking up on me during my calls and visits, I didn't give him a whole lot of credit. But he has grown so much! Now he is basically a single father. He carries the weight of many worlds on his tired shoulders and seems to have everyone dumping on him despite his already terribly difficult situation. So i was there for him to vent to. I'm a friend with love and concern for each one of them, without being so involved to push my opinions or have to dump on him too. He just needed someone else to lean on for a bit, and i hope it lightened his load a little. He's just 28 with massive medical debt, childcare concerns, work situations, and he's losing his sweet wife. All things considered, he's doing amazingly well, and still managing to smile occasionally. And he's got a tight, awesome family right by his side. He is a good man, even at his weakest and most trying times. I learned so much from talking with him, and I feel so blessed for the time i spent with his loving family.

I was nervous about this trip, cuz i didn't know what to expect. I prayed to be able to bring some happiness into their lives and lighten their load a little. I believe I did just that, and I too, have been changed because of it. The Lord may not always answer our prayers the way we want, but He is listening, and He knows what's best. The heavy times help us appreciate and turn to Him to lighten our load:)

Just kidding!

Only 2 days after my last post, Mr. Wonderful called me! I was just leaving work and it totally shocked me, but we had a great talk. It was an hour-long conversation that felt like ten minutes. And due to some fortuitous change in circumstance, I just might get a visit sometime this month. See, convince yourself to be patient and suddenly you don't have to wait as long. Yay!

But don't get too excited, I haven't heard anything from him since. At this rate, I might get an actual date by 2009. In the meantime, life gets ever more complicated and the adventures continue.... but that's a long story I have neither the time nor energy to tell now.

A few good men

Leave it to me to get all excited about therapeutic blogging and then go MIA for a month. I have still been writing, don't you worry, but I have also been stupid busy. But since neither of these are likely to change about me, I'm making time to get back on track.
I think I got into the mindset that I had to have something profound to write every time. But then I took a cue from my roommate, the queen of online communication, and just decided to report a little of the random joys of my life.

So... Today's topic is one of my favorite: Good Men. Not to be confused with boys, jerks, or stupid men. Good men are very rare - though they shouldn't be. Every male of the species has the ability to be a good man, but very few make the choices that allow him to be one. I have some casual friends like this that I enjoy a lot. We have fun together and can flirt and play and eat and be dumb. But that's about it. I can't get into really deep philosophical conversation with them cuz they simply don't care about life like I do. They don't have the same passion for obedience and the gospel, so I can't share all of who I am. I have fun with them, but that's where it ends. I could never be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't have the same drive to simply be good. It doesn't make you a nerd, it allows you to be divinely happy - and that's the best kind of happiness:)

I know a few guys like this. My roommates' boyfriends are really good guys (see their blogs). I have a couple friends at church who take it seriously and live the good life. My brother and dad are awesome men. But recently, I realized just how wonderful a good man can be - and how much better i can be with one.

A few weeks ago I met another good man. A great man, in fact. In just 2 days, this guy redeemed every hope I had ever lost on MANkind. And meeting him renewed my faith that a righteous, attractive, motivated man does exist and that one day I might find one who will adore me as much as I adore him. (I had some serious doubts for a while) I would love if it could be this man.... sigh.... and yes after just 2 days...
Why? Well in that brief time we talked about more than some of my friends have learned about me in months. The conversation just rolled so easily all day. It was so comfortable and happy. It was personal, equal, and mutually edifying. Even the few moments of silence were completely comfortable. As strange as it may sound, I really felt like I had seen him somewhere before. He had this pleasant familiarity about him. We connected. Our personalities just kind of fit. He laughed at all my quirky jokes and mused over my expressive noises:) I was completely myself with him and he saw the full range: from giddy, girly sillyness to tough and competitive, introspective and spiritual. And he has so many of those characteristics too!
He was flirty but not obvious or crude. There were moments when I would kind of glance at him out of the corner of my eye, grinning like a goof cuz i was so happy around him, and he would be looking over at me the same way:)
He's chivalrous, but not obviously. He opened all my doors and bought me lunch. He set the table and did the dishes. And he didn't just offer to help and then sit, he would just take over the work. He's strong, tough, and protective, but sensitive, tactful, and an incredible listener.
And on top of all that, this guy is so good looking! The moment I saw him, I was like, "Dang he is beautiful, who is this man?!" He has sandy brown hair, broad shoulders, addictively soul-piercing blue eyes that you can see across the room, cuz he's also way tan. He's physically fit, has the biggest smile ever and (that day) had just enough scruff. He's rugged handsome, and I love manly men!
This probably sounds obsessive. But you know what? When you meet someone that wonderful who makes you feel that good in just a couple days, he's not easy to forget! I'm not naming any names or too many specific details cuz I have to keep some sort of wits about me! I will explain though, due to tricky circumstances, we only had 2 days, and I won't see him again for a few months. Hence why I have not been able to show off my Supermen. Technically he's not really mine! But i feel internally taken;)
I know I will see him again and that gives me something great to look forward to, which helps me push through the muck of every day life. And holding onto the idea of this not-perfect-but-still-really-wonderful man helps keep me from settling for any less or being less than I am. He represents the dream of what could be - even if its not necessarily him;)

Okay, I'm done with that adventure... for now. I'll follow-up in November:)

I have succumb to the world of blogging!

About a year and a half ago, and after great resistance to the technological world, I joined facebook. And it opened up a a channel of communication with old and new friends all over the world. So today, with a little coaxing and a lot of blog-stalking of my friends and roommates, i caved and started my own blog.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little intimidated! Y'all have these cool sites with fun graphics and quirky titles and you keep them up every day! That's intense.... But I'm not here to compare myself to anyone else or compete for attention:) If no one reads this stuff it won't even matter. I have decided to become a blogger just to get all these thoughts out of my head!
2008 has been one hell of a year ('scuse the double hockey sticks for the easily offended). And so now, as I continue to swim upstream through the rapids of life, I'm gonna take whoever wants to join me along for the ride. Cuz in the midst all the heartache, back pain, dissappointment, bug bites, tears, confusion, sunburn, distraction, and temptations of life, there are so many great adventures to be had!
I've always thought that every day could be an adventure, if you decide it will be. Maybe I'm just a melodramatic optimist with too many dreams, but hey, it beats the alternative! So here's to all the adventures I have been so blessed to experience in the past 26 years, and to so many more waiting around the corner... Bring it on.