hmmmm...

Do you ever see people who are just naturally beautiful? I'm not talking about people in magazines or celebrities. Those pics are all photo-shopped anyway.

Sometimes I see pictures of people I know and it just blows my mind how beautiful they are. Flawless skin; perfect bright smiles; stylish, healthy hair; eyes that seem to pierce your soul, or even great body shape are all things I struggle with. I mean, I clean up alright, but on the average day I am not beautiful. I am pale and have terrible skin, slightly stained teeth and a crooked smile. I'm fit and healthy, but I'm short and certainly not super curvy. I love my golden-brown eyes and red hair, but I've always felt my sass and personality had to make up for what I lacked in physical appeal.

I know that we each have our own brand of beauty, and I know I'm not ugly, but I have some really beautiful friends. It's intimidating. And every so often I see a photo and just think, "Wow, she/he is so beautiful!"

It shouldn't make me any less attractive, but sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror and think that about the girl staring back.

What I've been up to in Canada

What does one do when they are unexpectedly living at home again with very few of their own belongings and no definite plans for the future? Well, let me tell you!

• Re-learn to be Canadian: I have gained a new appreciation for my non-aggressive, non-popularity based government. I've sung my national anthem several times and cried every time. I could walk into basically any job I want and the minimum wage is almost $9. And they didn't treat me like crap at the border. CANADA ROCKS! (however, I don't intend to adopt this accent again, and I like saying "y'all")
• Submit resumes and job applications: Still have no clue where I'm headed so I'm sending them all over the country. And I'm still working on the french one.... yeah I know, its been like a month, but I had to translate and reformat, and I have resume anxiety anyway!
• Become an internet-aholic: I now have plenty of time to blogstalk, keep up with my friends on facebook, email people I haven't replied to in eons, cry over websites of concerts I have to miss(Jason I still love you!), find new concerts to fill the void(thank you Natasha), research grad schools I may never attend, find jobs in foreign countries, apply to be an EFY counselor - again, look up flights I can't take, and laugh at the weeks best and worst dressed on the red carpet.
• Cook and eat - a lot: I actually have time to cook! My parents have a pantry full of things waited to be experiemented with. Plus we like fun meals. Had raclette - my favorite french meal - last week, Dad made ratatouille this week, and of course, steak on the grill. Mmmm I love Alberta beef. And nanaimo bars! America is missing out.
• Work out: Yeah baby! There's this awesome community center that opened about a year ago, and has an awesome gym like unto the facilities at BYU-I, but bigger and with an indoor track. It's only ten minutes from my house but it usually takes me a while to motivate myself to go out in the cold to get there. Getting a membership helped. So my bod is NOT getting flaby fat and lazy, and my mood is generally up:) Plus, I have to get a head start before I go back to Orlando and eat myself crazy for the holidays and saying goodbye to my favorite restaurants.
• Watch movies: I have seen 14 movies, two at my Dad's movie theatre. Some were for the first time, some are old favorites. Passchendaele (a Canadian war movie starring, written and directed by my favorite Canadian actor, Paul Gross. He is so beautiful... and talented too), The Best Two Years, While You Were Sleeping, Head Over Heels (I forgot how completely adorable Freddie Prince, jr is!), Journey to the Center of the Earth (the remake. It had too much CGI for me), The Terminal (Tom Hanks is awesome), Hairspray(!!!), French Kiss (I love Paris!!! J'arrive!), Kate and Leopold, The Perfect Man, South Pacific (another remake. Almost good but... not quite. Although Harry Connick, jr is very easy on the eyes - and shirtless), The City of Ember (and now I'm reading the book cuz it intrigued me), In Search of the Castaways(the old Disney movie with Hailey Mills and Maurice Chevalier - unlikely, yet fun), and Sunset Boulevard (classic film, but creepy and rather depressing).
• Get spiritual: I gave a talk at an awesome baptism last week and got to teach Relief Society this week. Plus we got the conference Ensign. Yay for extra study time!
• Home renovations: I have painted, installed drywall, and will soon learn to tile. Oh yeah.
• SHOP! Since I had very few clothes with me, and most are for warmer weather, I had a great excuse to go shopping. I got a wool peacoat, boots, sweaters, long-sleeve shirts, gloves, and new running shoes - to support the gym membership. And even though I totally love shopping, I haven't done much for several months so it's been fun.

Being marooned in the frozen north has its perks. Mostly thanks to my amazing parents. They have been so generous and supportive. And my extended family has been so encouraging; it's been really fun to catch up with everyone. I'm keeping busy in spite of my situation and my stress level is surprisingly low. I am so very blessed!

Oh yeah, in case anyone was wondering...

To follow up with "Superman," I'm way over it and have moved on. Even seemingly perfect men have to put forth effort and be consistent. Sparratic phone calls just didn't cut it. But worry not! I learned so much about myself and again, what really matters in life, and now I'm in a great situation, romantically speaking.

Woes of a Canadian Floridian

It has been a LONG time since I've updated. And it has been an especially rocky couple weeks.

A few of you may have heard rumors about me recently, so here's the deal: I am currently at my parents' in Lloydminster, Alberta, Canada, and will be for the next while. I had a little drama at the border a couple weeks ago and was refused entry to the US. I know that sounds ridiculous to most of you, cuz well, it is. The border patrol decided that I had spent too much time in the US in the past year, and not enough time in Canada so they wouldn't let me across. It was so shocking cuz I've never had any problems before. It was frustrating and humiliating:( But thanks to great family and good ol' Westjet, I made it home to my parents in one piece just a couple days later.

So that leaves me a little lost as far as my next steps. With my limited options in the US, I had already been looking to move back to Canada around February. This was a much more sudden and forced move, which is why I've had such a hard time with it. Now that I've calmed down a bit and at least have a little stability, I think this might have been God's way of kicking me into gear and forcing me to make some decisions now, instead of just playing all my time away in Orlando. I see now that I was just postponing the inevitable. But it's still sad and I really miss florida. I'm freezing!

So anyway, all that being said, my original goals have not changed much, except that now I have some deadlines to work towards and more concrete plans. The tentative game plan I finally came up with is: stay here and work for my dad for a month. Its better money and free rent, plus its always good to do some work for the man who keeps you afloat. Then I will spend most of december in Orlando, playing with my family and saying goodbye to my friends. I should be fine to go back down to visit. After that things get a little sketchy, but I'm gonna try to go work at Disneyland Paris for a few months to brush up on my french, visit with friends from my mission, and maybe even travel some more. Then I'll come home to regroup before making the move to Vancouver or Calgary maybe. I will get a job at a hotel, or the airport, or for the Olympics, where i can use my french and make some decent money. I still have a hard time getting my brain around settling in Canada after spending most of the past 8 years in the US, however I know all things happen for a purpose and that somehow this will all make sense someday. I still feel a little lost cuz the place where I am happiest is just not an option for me. I'm trying to convince myself that this is where I need to be. Don't get me wrong, Canada is an awesome country with so many great things. But even free healthcare, better paying jobs, economic stability, and political sanity can't change the fact that I feel at home south of the border. And besides that, it's so dang cold! I'm trying to stay positive and just take one day at a time. At least now I have some goals to work towards.

I'm sure much of that will change along the way, it always does. But i'll still be making the most of the moment and working towards my next adventure:) Who knows where life will take me...? So there you have it. With virtually zero social life here, I'll be online fairly often, and should have more time to update this sucker, plus lots of thinking time to wax philisophical.

A Priceless Jewell

Have you ever read the book or seen the movie 'The Bridge to Terabithia'? It is a beautiful story of two good kids having a tough time with life who find each other and create their own little world together. They learn to love and help one another and become better people as they develop their own gifts and discover a place where they are the rulers, and no one can crush them. This theme is especially precious when (SPOILER ALERT!) one of these dear friends passes away unexpectedly. Losing her is awful and yet he has learned so much from her that he carries on her dreams and her legacy by sharing the magical world they created.


This is just a wonderful story on its own, but today it touched me very closely. See, one of my best friends passed away last Friday. Jewell Aurora Milam was 26; a wife of six years, mother to two of the most beautiful children ever created, a supportive and loving sister and daughter, and a kind, fun-loving, loyal friend. We met on our very first day of college, walking home from orientation, and just hit it off. We clicked – like we were destined to be friends. We got excited about the same things, we understood each other’s humor and thought processes; we just fit. We were definitely very different and yet so much was the same. We saw each other through highs, lows, happiness and heartache. We could talk for hours, about anything and everything, and even after time apart, we would always just pick right back up where we left off.

About a month ago I went to visit with and say goodbye to my dear friend. And today I got home from attending her funeral. It was awful to see the hearse and casket and feel the reality sink in. It was heartbreaking to see her big, strong husband hunched over in tears. BUT – it was absolutely wonderful to see so many people come together to celebrate her brief but beautiful life. It was so comforting to hear words spoken of a loving Savior and an all-encompassing, infinite atonement; then of a plan for eternal progression prepared by a wise father in heaven. It was encouraging to think of the promises of eternity. And it was strengthening to feel the embrace of so many individuals I have the blessing to know and love because of this precious woman that touched us all.

It was a perfectly beautiful, cool but sunny day. We looked at pictures and read her own scrapbook commentaries and shared stories. We sang and heard some of her favorite music, while surrounded by some of her favorite flowers, and of course lots and lots of pink;) Her body was laid in a peaceful cemetery on a hill, shaded by lots of tall trees, including spruce, her favorite. There were many tears, but also many grateful and reminiscent smiles.

I will be forever grateful for the nearly eight years I had the privilege to have such a beautiful soul as my best friend. She taught me to get excited about the simple things, to dance and laugh and love like nothing else matters. She had weaknesses and struggles like everyone else, but she did her best to face them and fight when she could, and let go when she couldn’t, but she wouldn’t lose the lesson. She loved to play and party and just be happy with whatever the adventure was that day. She was a true gem of a person – a jewel that could light up the sky, just like her name:)

Over the past few months as she came to terms with her situation, she never lost faith in God’s plan for her, and his divine purposes in all things. She said she knew it was all for a reason, and we all needed to learn something from her situation. She didn’t understand why but she knew that someday it would all make sense, and that either way everything would be ok.

Marvin J. Ashton once said:"Being of good cheer makes it possible for us to turn all our sunsets into sunrises." I think "good cheer" perfectly describes Jewell's approach to life. Now is the sunset on her life, but she has left us with so many beautiful sunrises and potential for new beginnings.

And that brings me back to Terabithia. To see that special place you had to stop worrying about reality, “close your eyes and keep your mind wide open.” A song over the closing credits said, “tomorrow’s horizons, full of surprises – don’t let them take your dream away.” You could be your very best there, with nothing else holding you back – but you had to choose to believe. And then you had to share the dream and look to the future.

We cannot control what life may bring our way. We don’t know what we will be called to endure, or what blessings lie in store. But we can decide how we will live along the way and how we will handle whatever comes. We can believe, trust, dance, love, laugh, adventure, dream, and choose to see something more. I have always been very passionate about living life to its fullest but Jewell taught me to see every moment that way. And her short life has inspired me to focus on the really important things, and not waste my time with diversions. I cannot bring her back, but I can keep her legacy alive by sharing who she was and believing in dreams, like she did. I won't forget her; I'll live better each day because of what she taught me. Our friendship can last forever if I live like she would. More than ever, I want to keep my mind wide open to all the possibilities and live every day the best that I can. I will choose to be happy, to believe and dream.
But not just for me - I’ll do it for Jewell.

Perspective

I have been doing entirely too much thinking lately. It is quite honestly weighing me down - more than my usually stressed tendencies! But my entire life perspective has changed over the past two weeks. All the things that might concern a single, 26-year-old Mormon working girl seem relatively meaningless right now. It's a new sort of stress. I feel very heavy, yet so fortunate, and divinely sustained. Thank heaven for my testimony of the Atonement!

I got a call Wednesday July 30 from my best friend's husband. She's been battling cancer for a couple years; this last year has been awful. I have left about a million messages for her, and only talked to her a handful of times. Each time she seems a little more distant and tired. So a call from her husband was an instant sign of bad news.

As predicted, they hit a wall. She has had about every treatment imaginable and her body just isn't responding anymore. They finally gave her a time frame, and it was 2-4 weeks.

So I bought a plane ticket that night and flew out the next day. I've never done that before. I'm kicking myself for not going to see her sooner, but it just never worked out. Anyway, I just got to spend a week with some of the most adorable people in the world.

My beautiful friend had some really rough days while i was there, and some better days, depending on the balance of drugs and how well her pain was controlled. She doesn't look much like the girl I remember, but she's still my best friend:) I got to spend one afternoon with her, just the two of us, and we talked, laughed, sang, listened to music and reminisced. We talked about her husband and kids, whom I spent most of that week with. She thanked me for coming out, not just for her, but for them, and for being a light and support they needed. She was not happy with her body, but at peace with her situation, and comforted in knowing that everyone would be taken care of without her. It was such a precious time to just be with my dear friend; to help her relax and remember the happy times we've had. I will always remember that afternoon, and I'm so grateful for it.

During that week I also changed diapers, made meals, tucked into bed, played, sang, braided hair, and dressed up for church two of the world's most amazing children. I love them so much! I have since each of them were born, but after being with them that week, I would give my left arm for those kids. It was so hard to leave!

And finally, I had the opportunity to get to know their father in a way I had never seen before. He was just a punk guy who fell for my roommate almost seven years ago. Although he had always been a good guy - taking care of her and checking up on me during my calls and visits, I didn't give him a whole lot of credit. But he has grown so much! Now he is basically a single father. He carries the weight of many worlds on his tired shoulders and seems to have everyone dumping on him despite his already terribly difficult situation. So i was there for him to vent to. I'm a friend with love and concern for each one of them, without being so involved to push my opinions or have to dump on him too. He just needed someone else to lean on for a bit, and i hope it lightened his load a little. He's just 28 with massive medical debt, childcare concerns, work situations, and he's losing his sweet wife. All things considered, he's doing amazingly well, and still managing to smile occasionally. And he's got a tight, awesome family right by his side. He is a good man, even at his weakest and most trying times. I learned so much from talking with him, and I feel so blessed for the time i spent with his loving family.

I was nervous about this trip, cuz i didn't know what to expect. I prayed to be able to bring some happiness into their lives and lighten their load a little. I believe I did just that, and I too, have been changed because of it. The Lord may not always answer our prayers the way we want, but He is listening, and He knows what's best. The heavy times help us appreciate and turn to Him to lighten our load:)

Just kidding!

Only 2 days after my last post, Mr. Wonderful called me! I was just leaving work and it totally shocked me, but we had a great talk. It was an hour-long conversation that felt like ten minutes. And due to some fortuitous change in circumstance, I just might get a visit sometime this month. See, convince yourself to be patient and suddenly you don't have to wait as long. Yay!

But don't get too excited, I haven't heard anything from him since. At this rate, I might get an actual date by 2009. In the meantime, life gets ever more complicated and the adventures continue.... but that's a long story I have neither the time nor energy to tell now.