Adventures with Amy

OSL

2012-01-15T01:05:00.001-07:00

Tonight a friend of my parents suggested that instead of teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) I should teach OSL - Old, Single Language. Yep, cuz I've got old and alone mastered.

As soon as I processed what he said, I had to leave before I let the tears win, or said something rude out of anger. Considering the fact that next week is my big, scary, officially-old birthday, and I haven't slept much lately, that was rough. Somehow his skewed sense of humor had no clue how this little jab felt more like a punch in the face.

I can't speak for all single women, but personally, I don't choose to be single. I never imagined I would not be married by now! I don't want to go through life alone! I want to set up roots and build a family! I want to have the big, special day and the white dress and the temple covenants and the flowers and the eternal promises! I want to have someone to care for, learn from, and build forever with!!

However, only half of that equation is within my control (even less if you consider location, timing, and chemistry).

So I am trying to make the most of the opportunities that come my way. I'm doing my best to be happy in spite of what I lack. I'm doing what I can to serve, love, learn and progress. I am just trying to live the life I have been given, one step at a time. And someday, somehow, some wonderful man I can't seem to get enough of will love me enough to spend forever with me!

Or not. It's such a mysterious and miraculous thing, it may never happen! The point is, it's not funny. It's not sad or to be pitied either. It just is what it is - my reality. And besides, I'm really not that old! Most people think I'm 5 years younger anyway!

So please don't harass me for something I have very little control over and is a very obvious deficit in my life. Honestly, I often forget until someone decides to slice open the topic again - and then rub a handful of salt in it. Awesome.

So this is Christmas...

2011-12-26T03:46:00.000-07:00

I have had the incredible blessing of spending Christmas this year in Laie, Hawaii, a quiet little town on the north shore of Oahu. There is so much I can and will share about my experience here but for today, let me say this:

There is such a special spirit here, a feeling you get from the people, the town, and the area. Life is simple - many homes are very modest and even run down. The roads are narrow, and the stores are few. Life is focused around family, faith, and cultural traditions. The feeling that resonates through all these things is one of welcome, inclusion, love, hope, and peace. Polynesian people treat you like an instant friend - they expect the best from people, and trust them until given a reason not to. They talk to strangers! They are always smiling and laughing and sharing stories. People on the mainland seem to do the opposite: you must prove yourself and earn trust before you can enter their 'world.'

I often talk of how much I love a green Christmas, having spent a few in Florida. But the warm temperatures are only the beginning of what makes Christmas so special here. It beats out the "magic" of Disney lights, shows, parades, and fireworks. It is a universal friendship and family that seems to cross over every cultural and societal barrier to bring the light of Christ to all.

Many call this feeling the Spirit of Aloha. Whatever it is, is is unique and beautiful, and it has made this Christmas season wonderful and distinct from any other. From handing out anonymous gifts of cash to needy families from Africa, Mongolia, the Philippines, India, and Vietnam, to feeding single students far away from their families a potluck Christmas lunch, it has been a special season indeed.

Photo by Mike Foley, PCC

Yet with all the lights wrapping the palm trees, and Christmas carol hulas, I can't help but think of that simple night over 2000 years ago when a young couple, full of faith, welcomed a very special child into the most poor and lowly of circumstances. His sacred, humble entrance into the world was just one of many ways the Savior taught us what really matters, and what true greatness is. And as that tiny babe grew to be a man, and took the literal weight of the world's pains, sorrows, weakness ad mistakes upon Him, he still maintained that quiet dignity and greatness in spite of circumstance.

May we all - at this wonderful time of year and everyday of our lives - remember the one who was willing to suffer all, so that we would not have to. May we live within the simple means and necessities we have, and be willing to share with those who don't. May we love without qualification, look for the best in others, and help them to along the way. May we do our best everyday to be a little better. And may we do it without seeking the praise and recognition of our fellow men, but instead in recognition and praise of the one man who made it all possible for us, by complete faith in His Father's plan for all his children.

Mele kalikimaka! Merry Christmas! God bless us, EVERY one!

I ♥ Orlando

2011-11-27T20:39:00.006-07:00

A few weeks ago I went with some friends to my favorite place on the planet. It took some scrimping and saving, a whole lot of planning, plenty more improvising, and several exceptionally generous people. I felt so incredibly blessed to be there.

I know Florida is not for everyone. It really is strange how much I love it! It is the complete opposite of the cold, dry, land-locked, small-town I grew up in. But Orlando truly feels like home to me. Every time I visit I am reminded how hard it is to leave.

And here are a few reasons why:

I can breath! I have terrible allergies and a deviated septum so between the humidity and the oxygen-rich, sea-level air, my lungs are so much happier in Florida.
Spanish moss - everywhere. I realize that it is technically neither moss nor Spanish, and it's actually a parasite, but it looks so whimsical and romantic hanging from the trees... I just love it!
There are lizards everywhere. Lizards are so stinkin' cool.

SUNSHINE!! Vitamin D makes me happy.
Even when it rains, it's still warm. Singing and dancing in the rain is a completely enjoyable experience there :)

It never gets much colder than freezing, and even that's only a few times in the winter. If you can survive the melting summers, the rest of the year is thermalogical perfection!
I just feel better there. Warm weather inspires me to work out more, eat less and choose lighter, healthier foods. My body is much happier when it is healthy and active.
It is so green and lush and alive because the plants keep growing all year long. Green is kinda my favorite color and the eternal greenness makes me so happy!!
Where else do you hear the rolling thunder of fireworks in the distance every single night?! Besides the nights you watch them from the dock of a private lake, or the beach of a Disney resort...

Speaking of beaches, there is coastal access within an hour to the east or west. I love the feeling of sand between my toes, a sea breeze across my face and the sounds of waves crashing in my ears. It is honestly therapeutic for me!

Florida is the only place where the further north you go, the further south you get! I love Southern accents, Southern manners, and good ol' fashioned hospitality.
Fireflies....Seriously the most amazing creature ever.
Florida skies! Because of all the moisture in the air, it is the lightning capital of the U.S. and the thunderstorms are amazing! Plus those scattered clouds make for incredible sunsets - with no mountains blocking the view ;)

Good eats: Bahama Breeze, Seasons 54, Earl of Sandwich, Panera Bread, and the incomparable Dole Whip soft serve are all culinary treasures that are lacking in the west.

Diversity. There are literally people there from all over the country and the world.
Palm trees =Warm = Happiness
Good people :) I still have so many awesome old friends there that love me for exactly the person I am, and so many new friends who keep things ever-evolving and interesting.
Ummmm.... Walt Disney World. Need I say more?

I feel so blessed that I still have so many opportunities to go back to visit! Even though right now I can't live there full time, I am grateful for the Florida moments I still get, and for the people who make them magical. I enjoy every minute and every memory made! And I still have faith that some day I'll be able to go back to my second home - for good!

So many beautiful reasons I have to be happy!

2011-11-24T00:33:00.002-07:00

After spending the day in a very happy place with some dear friends I simply love, I was thinking about how very blessed I am. And then I came across an article containing this quote from President Thomas S. Monson:

“A grateful heart … comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives,” said President Monson in a 2010 address. “This requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude. … When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.”

(For the entire statement, click here.)

It got me thinking about my current situation and attitude. At times I struggle with the seemingly endless wanderings of my life, the many unanswered questions and unaccomplished dreams. But then I think about all the incredible blessings I have been given, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

I have an incredible family who love, support, and challenge me.

I have amazing, talented, beautiful, and loving friends all over the world. And I have a computer and internet access to help me stay in touch with them!

I can dance, run, and play. I can taste yummy food and breathe in warm, wonderful smells. I have red hair and freckles :) My body is healthy and awesome!

I can communicate with people from many different backgrounds and cultures, and thereby share a little of their journey.

I am halfway done grad school and my journey to become a teacher!

I live in a safe, comfortable place. I have warm blankets and a space heater to keep me warm, and still have the opportunity to visit warmer climes occasionally.

And most importantly, I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, a personal relationship with my Savior and my Father in Heaven, and have been promised amazing blessings.

I am so blessed to be alive!! It makes me so grateful for each day and makes my heart happy! I only hope I can share all these fabulous blessings so that others can feel that love and have a happy heart too - regardless of what life has thrown their way.

So when you reach deep and look hard enough, what do you have to be thankful for?

Love at first sight

2011-10-30T01:18:00.000-06:00

I fell in love tonight.

Literally, the moment I saw him, I loved him.

He smiled the moment our eyes met, and my heart melted.

He had perfectly round deep blue eyes and long, lovely eyelashes. His nose was this perfect little square, and his cheeks just glowed. He was just the right amount of pudgy without being obese. He was warm and cuddly and just made me feel amazing.

His name is Oliver and he is three months old... I hope his mama knows how lucky she is!

The big white envelope

2011-09-21T18:11:00.002-06:00

So the boy got his mission call, and I got to be there when he opened it :) Drum roll please!.....................

He is going to the Lubbock Texas mission, Spanish-speaking, and he goes to the MTC October 26. It is perfect for him and he is leaving so soon which is also perfect! And now I understand why I needed to let him go when I did. He has just over a month to take care of all the final preparations for his mission, with a caring friend supporting - but not distracting - him. Such an exciting adventure to be a part of. Yay for missions!

The Lubbock, Texas temple of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

9/11

2011-09-11T23:43:00.010-06:00

It was a typical Tuesday morning at BYU-Idaho. My roommate and best friend Jewell was giving me a ride to class in her old, red mini-van. We couldn't find any good music on the radio. Every station was playing some news report. Then we stopped and listened, and the whole world changed forever.

Funny how you record significant moments like that in your mind. I can still see images of that day: the radio in the van, the chaotic campus, my distraught professor (whose husband was supposed to be flying out of DC that morning), watching the continuing news reports back in our apartment, a special devotional with our then college president, David A. Bednar....

I honestly didn't know what the World Trade Center was until it was destroyed. I was just a little Canadian girl away from home for the first time. I had never traveled outside of North America, nor to many places within it. I didn't even really know what my major would be. But I knew after that day I would never be the same.

We all know what happened on that fateful day in 2001, and all the policies, security measures, military operations, and other changes that have happened since. Suddenly a nation who felt untouchable was vulnerable. Suddenly the unthinkable happened. We could have wallowed in the shock and anguish and let it destroy us - I'm sure some did. And yet in the terror and misery of that day, and the trials of the years that followed, there was also an overwhelming sense of hope and unity that rose from the rubble. So many took that opportunity to step up to serve and strengthen those around them, whether it be in their own families and neighborhoods, or in battlefields abroad. It is what we do when the dust settles that truly defines us.

At first, I think the country did alright. The fear lingered for awhile, but eventually faith took over. We were more open to strangers, more grateful for family, and just happy to be alive another day. However, in the selfish struggles of our troubled economy and rocky political world today, have we forgotten the very values that this nation was established upon? Perhaps ten years ago the threat was from the outside, but it seems today that the worst enemy is on the inside. We are tearing down our great nation from within by living beyond our means, ignoring the needs of our neighbors, and neglecting the very values that brought us to where we are.

Though we don't usually make it that far, the third verse of the Star-Spangled Banner says:
"Oh, thus be it ever, when free men shall stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heaven-rescued land praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, and this be our motto "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave."

Beyond the battle of the first verse we sing over and over, the lesson is found in the continued diligence of standing up to injustice and desolation to protect our homes, our families, and our freedom - all the while recognizing the divine source of our peace and strength. I think today we have let the small worries and stresses distract us from what matters most. We have forgotten the God who helped establish this great nation in the first place, and let fear seep back into our lives.

With gratitude to all who were taken from us on 9/11/01 and to all who have given their lives in the name of peace and freedom since, I invite all to step up and stand up for what made America great. Let us do our part to stand up to the evils of the world, the attitudes of entitlement and selfishness in our society. May we remember the unity, mutual respect, and brotherhood that brought America to be and carried us through this, and many other tragedies. May we see the best in others and look beyond our own wants. And may we do so in the trust and faith of our God who, by whatever name you use for him, directs our lives and helps us find the purpose and joy in the chaos and misery. May we never forget, and never give up on that vision of what America can be!

** Addendum: This morning I found these quotes in this article from the On Faith section of the Washington Post. They seem to reiterate my sentiments exactly.

Religion scholar Karen Armstrong says it's time for religion to be a force for good. "Ten years on, the world is even more dangerously polarized and religion, for obvious reasons, religion is seen not as part of the solution but part of the problem."

"It seems that much of the post-9/11 renewal of faith has waned in the years that have followed," writes Thomas Monson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. "It should not require tragedy for us to remember God."

“There are three lessons to be learned from 9/11,” writes Rick Warren. “First, life is a gift that is fragile and brief. Whatever you are going to do with your life, you had better get it done. Second, everybody needs community. And thirdly, everybody has a spiritual hole in their heart that only God can fill.”

boyfriend

2011-09-04T23:09:00.001-06:00

I really don't like that word. I don't know if it's the commitment it implies, or the label it boxes you into, or just how juvenile it sounds, but it usually takes me a while to use that term. Even then I prefer many other words to describe the guy I happen to be dating at the time.

Well, this summer I used that word fairly frequently, preceded by "my." Maybe it is because the guy I'm referring to is still a bit of a boy himself. He's a few months shy of 23, and if you read my birthday post a few months back, you know that is much younger than I am. Maybe it's because he made me feel great, so I was okay with the label. Either way, I suppose you are wondering why I am only now writing about this happy part of my life. Well this has been the most unique relationship I have ever experienced, and I guess I just didn't know how to put it into words before. So let me tell you the story:

Back in April I went to Moab, UT with some friends. At that point my life was falling apart a little and I was in a major funk. Even running away to California and chopping off my hair failed to cure me completely. While in Moab I met this boy, a friend of my friends. Actually I had seen him around before but didn't think much of it because he was noticeably younger and we had never really had common ground before. Well over the course of my adventures in Moab, this boy was funny, chivalrous and absolutely charming. When I was around him I felt like a million bucks. And in spite of our age difference, I found myself flirting with him. On my last night there, under an overcast night sky, he pulled out his smartphone with its constellation app and brought me the stars. I know right? How could you not fall for that?!

We continued to see each other back on the home front. Every time I went out with him I was hesitant and a little nervous, but when I was with him it felt good and happy. So I continued to see him. Then I found out that he had not served a mission (as in a full-time volunteer mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I am a very happy and devoted member). Typically young men serve missions when they are 19 years old, however at that point in his life this boy was working on Sundays and was busy being distracted by the unimportant things that seem so important when you are 19. By the time he came back to church, he just avoided the question of a mission, and carried on with excuses for years. Never good excuses mind you, but they were numerous nonetheless.

Now I did not want to be one of those silly girls who shuns a boy simply because he hasn't served a full-time mission. There are plenty of good guys who have not served for perfectly legitimate reasons. However, the more time I spent with this boy, the more I saw that he didn't really have any legitimate reasons. He was not only able-bodied and intelligent, but he loved the gospel, had a personal testimony of Jesus Christ, and he was always the first one to step up and serve. He was so full of love - for everyone! I couldn't understand why someone so good would not be willing to obey the prophet's call to serve. So one day I asked him.

But it was not easy. By this time I had become somewhat attached to this boy, and I knew that by having this conversation I ran the risk of no longer seeing him. Having served a mission myself, I knew how amazing it could be - not only for oneself but for all the incredible people you have the opportunity to meet, teach, and serve. Fortunately, I was not the only one thinking about missions. It turns out the boy thought about it every day. And though he said it "wasn't for him" or he "felt no push to serve," he had always known he would. He was letting fear hold him back. My words of encouragement, combined with a healthy dose of spiritual confirmation, helped him make the decision that would change his life forever - to serve a mission. It wasn't me, it was simply time. And I was fortunate enough to be part of the process.

From that point our relationship accelerated quickly - a little too quickly perhaps. With that concern gone and so much positive spirit in all our interactions, it was pure bliss!! And what an exciting thing to be a part of! I helped him prepare his missionary papers, make the necessary appointments, and start studying more intensely the restored gospel that he would soon be teaching.

It was amazing to see the changes in him. Over the months that followed he became more confident and full of faith. He learned to let go of fear and insecurities, and trust in the plan the Lord had prepared for him. He began to think less of what he would be leaving behind, and more of who he would encounter and what he would experience while giving his life to God for 2 years. Now this is not to say that there haven't been a few freak-out moments. There have been unexpected delays and detours along the way. But just a few days ago those papers were submitted and the boy will soon be a missionary.

Awesome right?! Definitely! But where does that leave this chica? Well that is what has been the most unique and I suppose challenging part of all this excitement. As I am not getting any younger (LOL I'm fine, really!), we have both agreed that I shouldn't sit at home waiting for him. In fact he is convinced that while he is gone some dude is going to finally see the light and marry me (his faith is much stronger than mine in this regard). Though I plan to support him either way, it is just a strange position to be in. I am dating someone with whom I know I do not have a future (except for maybe hypothetically in a couple of years), and really, we cannot progress beyond the friendship and affection we have for one another at this point. For a girl who is all about progress, that means trouble. No progress means stagnation. No bueno!

Sometimes I think about how different we are and wonder what on earth we are doing. Sometimes I think about the obligations that lie ahead of us individually and wonder why I am postponing the inevitable moment that will pull us apart. Sometimes I think about my seemingly endless estrangement with the blessed institution of marriage and wonder how I will ever find my forever - especially if I am currently holding onto something destined to end. It seems I have become an expert at helping men find their next step in life and then they leave me behind...

However, I know there is a reason for everything. Maybe I am just preparing every man I date to be a wonderful husband to the lucky girl he ends up marrying. At least I'm good at something! Maybe I have had my heart broken, and sadly, broken the hearts of others more often than I can count. At least I have loved! Maybe I am setting us both up for misery when the end inevitably comes. At least I followed my heart.

I suppose I could try to date someone with more life experience, a little closer to my age, but all those I dated in the past came with major commitment issues and just left me feeling used. Or I could date someone more outgoing and assertive, but they always steal the spotlight, leave me in the shadows, and make me feel inferior.

Though he is far from perfect and we are so very different, this boy has been nothing but good to me. He redeemed my faith in men and helped me believe in my own worth again. On the outside he may seem quiet, uninteresting, or even boring. He is no movie star or competitive athlete, but he has his own attractiveness. Others may not see it, but with me he is funny, sincere, strong, passionate, and determined. I wish the whole world could see how wonderful he is! I think that is part of what makes him so great. He is full of surprises you have to be willing to discover. And for some reason, he let me in.

I may not end up marrying this boy, but I still love him. It's not the silly Hollywood love you see in the commercials and swoon over in romantic comedies. I love his soul. I love the person he is and the man he is striving to become. I love his silly sense of humor and his occasional naivety. I love the goodness of his heart and his willingness to learn. I feel like he is my friend first and foremost, and if he cares for me like I do for him that will never change, despite who we end up marrying - or not.

I know the time is coming soon when we will have to part ways, not simply because of the departure of a missionary, but for the growth and learning of two good people who want to become their best. I have taken on an intense master's program and am working towards a career that will be (at least for now) my life's focus. He will soon be serving a full-time mission which means emotional, physical, and spiritual preparation and some major sacrifice. He doesn't need the 'what ifs' of a relationship distracting him or holding him back.

I get that. Progression is the purpose for this life. I'm trying to be mature and logical about it. When I am away from him and stressed out with school and my many responsibilities, I see that very clearly. But it is still so hard to let him go.

Because when I am with him, the stress goes away for a while. I feel safe. I feel appreciated. I feel beautiful. I feel loved. When I am with him I can just be myself: the good, the bad, and the silly. He sees me for who I am and who I am trying to become. And though I think he is crazy, he loves me anyway. Even when I am too independent and too assertive. Even with all my exotic adventures, foreign languages, and crazy dreams. Even with my monthly mood swings and impatience with the world. He just loves me.

I haven't found the answer for when or how this will all make sense. I plan to carry on as I have all along, prayerfully following the inspiration that comes to my heart and mind. No matter what comes ahead, this moment we have shared meant something. If for no other reason than to save a girl from herself and help a boy step up to serve, it has been worthwhile. Heartache included.

**I wrote that just over a week ago. Tonight I let him go, shattering two hearts in the process. I don't fully understand why, but I did what I felt was right, even though "right" also feels a lot like misery right now.

(I know that was long, so thank you for sticking with it if you actually made it to the end. Consider it 4 months-worth of blogging in one post - and the lifespan of an incredible relationship. It means so much more than one post can express though. Thank you for validating it with your time.)

Amen :)

2011-07-09T15:03:00.005-06:00

An update: My little brother, the missionary!

2011-05-01T17:25:00.001-06:00

Stephen finally made it to the MTC and I got to take him there! (For the back story, click here.) He flew into Salt Lake City on March 2, I picked it up, and we went shoe shopping, got lunch, and I drove him down to Provo to drop him off. It was pretty funny to see people's reactions at an elder hanging out alone with a girl, though we tried to make it obvious that I was his big sister :) It was really fun for me to visit the MTC again, and since we arrived a little later in the day and he had already been serving, I got to go inside for a bit. Good times!!

A few weeks later, Stephen made it to his first area, Riverton, UT, and last week I got to take him to lunch (his mission president is fine with sibling visits as long as it's in his area and under an hour). He is still as happy as ever to be serving the Lord, and his trainer seems to be a great match for him. It is truly amazing what love and dedication these young men have, even though they are still silly boys.

I continue to be amazed with every visit and email from Stephen. He is so dedicated, so humble, so mature, and he has this incredibly positive perspective on life, service, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and good ol' hard work. What an inspiration!!

Separating the Men from the Boys

2011-04-06T23:35:00.000-06:00

It amazes me how guys with college degrees and careers can be so immature. They are so self-focused that they completely miss so many good experiences and friendships. They clam up and avoid people instead of just communicating and dealing with simple conflict. They run from anything remotely resembling commitment, throw their own little pity parties, and make excuses. In their late twenties, early thirties, or even forties and fifties, they are just boys.

However, I have also been so impressed by the men who are pursuing personal goals and working hard, while also taking time to recognize and address the needs of others. They realize that there is more to life than their own perspective and they see the value in serving, strengthening, and lifting others. These are men, and they are of all ages. In fact, I was blown away by the maturity, kindness, and diligence of a young man I met recently, and he is only 18!

It is fascinating to me how wonderful I feel in the presence of some guys, and how frustrated and even insignificant I feel with others. So much is said about the true character of a man by the way he interacts with other people. The difference between a boy and a man is rarely in his age, but in his maturity, demonstrated by the faith, respect, self-lessness, courage, consideration, and love shown in his daily conduct.

For example:

Wow.... the wisdom of a 13-year-old.

Age is relative. I of all people know this well. I just wish more boys would step out of their own heads long enough to recognize the value they can add to the world around them by choosing to become the great men they have every potential to be - regardless of their age.

It's a sign...

2011-04-05T23:50:00.000-06:00

Pretty sure my orchid died.

Go figure.

(Don't worry; I'm laughing, not crying.)

2011-04-05T17:41:00.001-06:00

"If ever you are tempted to become discouraged or to lose faith, remember those faithful Saints who remained true in Kirtland. Hold on a little longer. You can do this! You are part of a special generation. You were prepared and preserved to live at this important time in the existence of our beautiful planet earth. You have a celestial pedigree and therefore have all the necessary talents to make your life an eternal success story."

--Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It's that time again...

2011-03-31T23:49:00.000-06:00

People often make comments about my lovely, thick, naturally red hair, and how men prefer girls with long hair. Well sometimes I just want people to love me for me, and not for my hair. I want my personality to shine, not my locks. I want people to see who I really am, not what everyone else says I should be.

So it is gone, and after a few weeks of getting used to it I love it! I love the surprised looks and comments - it's amazing how the shock of a drastically different do makes boys treat you differently... And I feel sassy again! And refreshed, energized, released, and empowered. Yay for short hair!

A courageous, valiant man and his inspirational message

2011-03-24T12:28:00.001-06:00

I think I'm experiencing a little of that vertigo now, but fortunately I know where to look for guidance.

A change'll do you good

2011-03-20T22:02:00.004-06:00

It's amazing how my life seems to go in cycles. The past couple months have been an emotional roller coaster. Literally, it has been filled with thrills, disappointments, excitement, encouragement, triumphs, rejection, tough choices and sweet moments. And somehow in the midst of all that confusion I have found a deeper commitment and happiness on a spiritual level. I have never felt so loved and valued by my Savior and my Father in Heaven. I also have an incredibly strong and supportive family, and their loving words of advice and encouragement have been invaluable to me.

In spite of the parts of life that are painful, frustrating, and befuddling, I know I am so very blessed! To mark a bit of a turning point, and stepping off the metaphorical roller coaster, I am making some changes and starting fresh!

First of all, I chopped off my hair again. It was long enough to donate to Locks of Love and I just needed the change. It's sassy, drastically different, and so quick and easy to style. Love it!

Then on Saturday I threw some stuff in my car and drove to California for spring break. The timing couldn't have been better - except maybe with the weather forecast... Anyway, I am so grateful for this time to catch with some wonderfully kind friends, not to mention some extra time for rest, working out, beach therapy, and of course, a day at Disneyland.

I was already sensing this change was in the works for the past couple weeks, and after some pivotal events I am so ready for a whole lot of difference in my world. And it's just in time too - I still have half a semester to save the grades I have only been haphazardly working for so far this semester. I just hope this change is what I need to pick up the crumbled bits of my life and figure out what my next step is. Can't hurt to try right?

Baby Ache

2011-03-15T00:16:00.001-06:00

When I was back home in October, I had a brief visit with my brother. He is happily married and they have an adorable little boy. I love the fun little family they are building :) Well, I was asking about my nephew and feeling sad for all his 'growing up' that I am missing out on, and he made a comment about how I need to get some kids of my own.

Tell me about it.

I would love to be a mom! I love little ones! From birth to around the time teenage retardation hits, they just fascinate me! (after that, things just get a little more challenging.lol) I love to talk with them, play with them, hold, comfort, and clean up after them. There is just so much happiness and love in every child! A few months ago my friends lost their 5-day-old baby, and although his passing was so very sad, even in his brief life you could feel so much overpowering love!

So yes, I would love to be a mother. I'd love to have my own little people to care for, connect with, and teach. I would love to wake up at 3am to feed my baby. I'd love to change diapers and chase toddlers. I'd love to wipe away tears and listen to stories.

Unfortunately, parenthood is not something I can do alone.

I mean, technically, I could - but I couldn't. Parenthood is an adventure meant for two; an experience to be shared with my best friend and love of my life. Since I haven't quite figured out who that is yet, I am still years away from the exhaustion and exhilaration of raising my own children.

In the meantime I am so grateful to good friends who share little glimpses of the precious gift they enjoy every day. There is the spunky 7-year-old daughter of a bishopric member. The sweet new babies and toddlers my friends bring along when we visit. The beautiful photos of growth and progress on their blogs. The smiles of random babies in the grocery store. These amazing little people just make my heart so happy!!

All I can say is that is what life is about. There is no better feeling in the world than calming a troubled child and having them fall asleep in your arms. No sound is sweeter than baby laughter, and no compliment more sincere than one from a child. There is so much love in such simple things!

And perhaps no ache is so painful as the empty arms of a would-be mother. I've felt this way for so long, and yet the older I get, the more complicated it seems to be to put all the pieces in place for this dream to become a reality.

I am so grateful for the little glimpses of family love. I'm grateful for the kind, faithful examples of my friends who are experiencing parenthood - many after a long wait of their own. They inspire me and give me hope for my own future. (this is my nephew when he was about 3 months old and one very happy auntie - someday I hope to smile like that for my own kids)

But that's about all I can do for now - keep hoping, trusting, and putting one foot in front of the other. I cherish the beautiful moments I have with these precious little ones, and look forward to a time when I can experience the adventure of motherhood for myself. Some day...

Starting fresh

2011-02-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

A few years ago a nice boy I was dating gave me a beautiful orchid plant. I love orchids so this made me very happy. Unfortunately, I didn't love the boy quite as much as I loved the orchid and things didn't work out (don't worry, he is happily married now and we are still friends).

Well not long after that, the blossoms fell of my orchid, as they do on an orchid's normal growth cycle. But no flowers ever grew back! Even a year later, nothing.

Around that time, my roommate started dating Captain Amazing and he gave her a huge, beautiful orchid plant full of gorgeous, colorful blossoms. When I was griping about my stagnant plant one day she said, "Don't worry Amy, some day your orchid will bloom." And suddenly the orchid became a metaphor for my love life.

When I left Florida, my orchid plant was put in the care of a friend, handed off a few times and eventually was more or less forgotten out on the patio (kind of similar to how my heart was treated over the past couple years). And that is where I rescued it from during my Christmas visit.

By then my poor little orchid was down to one tiny green leaf and a couple root shoots. It was so sad but still alive so I determined to take it home with me and bring it back to it's full glory. Well the plane ride was a little rough on my orchid, and after a few sad days at home, I decided it was time to put it out of its misery.

And suddenly the symbolism of my little orchid plant came back to me. It really was time to let go of this orchid and all the emotional scars that went with it. Here was this beat up little plant, full of so many sordid memories, neglected and forgotten by so many, and yet I was trying to keep the poor thing alive. Instead of waiting for an old, dead love to bloom, I needed to find a new one. So I finally let it all go.

A few days ago I bought myself a new orchid. It is bright yellow-green with splashes of vibrant purple. It is healthy, beautiful and full of life! This new plant is a symbol for a fresh, hopeful start to my life in love and relationships. And the best part is that I made that mental, emotional, and symbolic change entirely of my own accord.

I love my new orchid and all the possibilities it represents. I feel energized and refreshed and full of hope! I know that someday soon my life will bloom just like my orchid and someone will see the unique beauty in me. And on Valentine's day, that is exactly what a fabulous single gal should feel :)

Elder Stephen Harper

2011-01-27T23:39:00.007-07:00

Today my baby brother became a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Obviously, he is no longer a baby at all! In fact, I am so incredibly proud of the young man he has become. Even in the past couple months he has matured so much.

It has been a long road for Stephen to get out on his mission. He has worked full-time since he graduated to cover the entire expense of his mission. He had all sorts of delays in submitting his paperwork in the first place, and then had to wait about 4 months to receive his call. When it finally came in September, he was called to serve in the Salt Lake City-South mission and would go to the MTC on January 19 (yep, my birthday!.) I think he was just so ready to serve and had waited so long that he was happy to go anywhere!

So he waited patiently, worked, played, and continued to help out the missionaries in our home branch in preparation for his service. Then he quit his job just before Christmas to enjoy the holidays and some down time before heading out.

However, his visa didn't come. That's right, my awesome Canadian brother had problems getting a visa to serve in Salt Lake City. Which only added to my love for United States Customs and Immigration (arrrgghhhhh!!). Since it still had not come through as of January 19, my parents and their stake president decided to be proactive. So last night Stephen was set apart as a full-time missionary in the Edmonton Canada mission and today he jumped into his first transfer. The idea is that when his visa finally goes through he will then go to the Missionary Training Center, and carry on to his mission in Salt Lake, but who knows how long that will take? So in the meantime, he is ready to serve wherever he is needed.

That is just the kind of guy Stephen is. He is smart, funny, and independent but he is always willing to help. That is why he wants to share the greatest gift we have - the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I know he will bless the lives of every person he comes into contact with. The Edmonton mission is lucky to have him!

I was 9 when Stephen was born. My name was one of his first words, and I was kind of like a second mom for the first few years of his life. I LOVE my brother so much! Although I have been gone from home for several years, I got to spend most of last year getting to know the amazing young man he has become, and I loved every minute of it. I am so impressed by his dedication, his patience, and his amazing love. I miss him already, but I know he is safe and needed in the service of the Lord. And hopefully he will soon be in his actual mission - which just happens to be exactly where I live :)

God speed brother! I will be thinking of you and praying for you every day!

Amy it's your birthday! Happy birthday Amy!

2011-01-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to a call from my parents, singing happy birthday to me. Then a text from one of my best friends, followed by several other texts, calls and of course, the countless facebook greetings. Though a minor snowstorm on the east mountains threatened to ruin my day, the sun shone brightly in the west (Yet another metaphor for my life...for another day perhaps) I ate delicious Brazilian BBQ and caramel chocolate cake - served by a yummy blue-eyed Brazilian waiter ;) And I was serenaded by one of my favorite men :) All in all, it was a lovely day.

29 years... That's a long time to be alive! I feel like I am a real adult today. I know, took me long enough, right? But don't worry, I sure won't stop having fun! And I still don't feel old, I just feel like this is some sort of turning point - the last year of my twenties...

For right now, I am simply grateful to be alive, to be young (relatively), healthy and happy.

I am thankful for an incredible family - both as individuals and together. They teach me, inspire me, and love me in spite of myself. I love them more than words could ever say.

I am thankful for friends who truly care about me and want me to be happy. I am thankful for goofy looks, warm hugs, heartfelt laughs, and honest conversation. I am thankful for uplifting music to both sing and dance along to. I am thankful for good food.

For once I am not looking back over what I have accomplished in my life; I am looking forward to the possibilities of what is to come. I am enjoying all the happy little things that brighten my life right now. And I am completely inspired and strengthened, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically, by the goodness in my life and the promised blessings that await me.

The fun part of having a birthday so close to the new year is that your resolutions overlap a little, with the new calendar year and another year in your life. I feel so good about this next year! Good things have already happened, great things are happening every day, and amazing things I cannot even fathom at this point will most certainly take my breath away. The hope I have been feeling and building on this past year has certainly filled me, and now I feel it leading me to another simple, yet elusive word.

Happiness - even as a single 29-year-old. I'm going to make this year all about the little happy things :) Hurray for another year in the adventure of life! Happy birthday to me!!

Just kidding :)

2011-01-16T23:20:00.004-07:00

Ok so maybe I should rescind that last post. Because as much as things aren't happening exactly the way I imagined, they are still happening! There is progression, albeit slow, and life is far from the dismal state I described. For someone whose motto is to "take things one day at a time" I was getting way ahead of myself. I'm pretty sure I was also fending off a strange combination of seasonal depression and PMS... So please forgive my little rant and allow me to refer back to my wonderful word of the year - HOPE.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: "Real hope keeps us 'anxiously engaged' in good causes even when these appear to be losing causes on the mortal scoreboard. Likewise, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. Hope is serene, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation which takes the form of a determination—not only to survive adversity but, moreover, to 'endure … well' to the end."

Instead of allowing myself to dream and hope, I have been minimizing my feelings for the sake of self-preservation. I was allowing fear to run the show and kill my faith. While watching a movie tonight, I heard these wordsa as if they were spoken directly to me:

"You are afraid hurt will happen to you again... Only way to heal is to trust. This ok. To have broken heart mean you have try for something."
(Ketut the medecine man, Eat, Pray, Love)

Apparently this relationship is simply part of another lesson in faith and patience. And goodness knows they cannot thrive where there is fear! My daily life is full of happy, unpredictable moments, and I am learning to embrace and enjoy them all.

"Besties"

2011-01-13T00:44:00.001-07:00

(WARNING: It's been awhile since I've been so honest or down on here, but this is just that. I just needed to express it. Thanks for putting up with my momentary melancholy.)

Over the past few years especially, I have noticed a trend among many people that I care about. I realize that dating is a complicated thing anyway, but this trend is a very common, confusing, and difficult situation to deal with. I like to refer to it as "Besties" syndrome. Let me 'splain....

You know how great it is when a guy and a girl just get along, and enjoy each other's company, and hang out all the time? Yeah, it's awesome! From the outside, they look perfect for each other and everyone thinks they are dating, then wonders why they aren't. They share conversations, laughs, and food. Throw in compatibility, respect, and friendship and life is wonderful! If all these elements are present and there also happens to be a mutual attraction between the two, well, the rest is history. But there's a tricky little word in there... friendship. When one of the people feels an attraction while the other simply considers it a great 'friendship,' that is when we find a case of "Besties." They are the best of friends, but it stops there.

It happens both ways, but most of the time I see it with an adoring girl as the victim. She bends over backwards doing nice things for him: baking him cookies, making him dinner, being available whenever he needs her, and being pretty much an amazing friend. What guy wouldn't love that? And after all, it isn't that he doesn't care at all about his friend. Occasionally, he even returns a few kind gestures. He just doesn't like her 'that way.' Simply put, he's not attracted to her. So essentially she has fallen in love alone. However, she is still pouring her soul into the relationship, clinging to the minuscule possibility that he might someday realize he's in love with her too.

I hate this. It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at once. I realize that sometimes the admired doesn't recognize the obvious signs of devotion. I don't think he means to string her along and hurt her. Sometimes he doesn't realize how much his 'friend' really loves him. However before long it becomes so obvious to everyone else, and he has got to know. Then why doesn't he say something? Yes, it is a tough, often awkward conversation to have, but isn't it kinder to let her down now than to let this admiration carry on and build for months and even years?!?

Goodness knows the admirer won't ever initiate that conversation. She would rather cherish whatever time and attention he gives her than chance scaring him away with an honest conversation, and possibly not having him in her life at all. And hence why the friends on the outside get so frustrated watching this imbalanced relationship.

Unfortunately, I have recently noticed myself slipping slowly into this same situation. The independent woman in me wants to ignore my feelings of vulnerability and self-doubt and just play the 'friend' cuz that is good enough. The many-times-rejected girl in me is afraid to care, and is holding back just enough to feel like I still have some sort of control over the situation. And the hopeless dreamer in me seems to think that somewhere beneath his neutral demeanor, he secretly wants me too...

If you can imagine, it's a little tulmultuous in my head right now, and my heart is a hot mess!

What's worse, he once built my hope up with flirtation and compliments and lingering hugs that seem to have gone the way of the dodo. I don't think there is any more discouraging feeling of rejection than being treated indifferently by someone who once made you feel sexy, beautiful, unique, important and desirable. What makes a heart-melting hug disappear? I wish I knew why he is so different yet I feel so much more of the same. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he feel what I feel? Will anyone ever feel that for me...?

I don't really know what to do, but I know I can't let myself fall into the habits that pain me so much with my friends. I guess someday soon I'll have to have that awkward conversation and force myself to let him go... but for now, I just really love being his friend - but not his "bestie."

Its the most wonderful time of the year!

2010-12-25T23:03:00.002-07:00

I don't like being cold. Although it is beautiful, I don't much like snow either. However, I love the month of December for many reasons. First of all, because for this month of the year the whole world takes time off work, give gifts, serves, sings, and makes an extra effort, all in celebration of the birth of our Savior and Redeemer Jesus Christ. Even the ones who don't believe in Him celebrate him in some way or another. Awesome huh? :)

It's the one month of the year that it is totally ok to be Christian, to declare your faith, and to talk about the greatest man that ever lived. Now, I firmly believe that this is something we should be able to do ever day, and I certainly try to. However, in December, nearly the whole world does - regardless of their faith or lack thereof. And in a world of "politically correct"-ness I think it is fantastic that everyone gets involved in some way or another. How can you be offended by love, charity and happy season's greetings? So I proudly, gratefully, and happily proclaim a very Merry Christmas to all the world - whether you believe in him or not!

Another reason is that in December, everything sparkles! I love the glitter and lights of Christmas. There are lights everywhere, smiles everywhere and the love is almost tangible! There is a whole new spirit brought by this beautiful, glimmering ambiance, and I LOVE it!! This year, I am doubly blessed because I finally got to see the lights on Temple Square - in the fog and then the snow which made them extra sparkly - and I get to see the frosty Cinderella's castle and the dancing lights on New York Street at Walt Disney World. The best lights in the world, and I saw them on both sides of the country. BEAUTIFUL!!

And then there's the music. Nothing beats the feeling of singing Christmas carols! It seems that no matter who is singing, the spirit of love, gratitude, and peace fill the air and warm the soul :) This year I was blessed to be a part of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Christmas concert (on the costuming end). The choir is amazing, and I also attended the rehearsal with David Archuleta. I must admit, his voice is dreamy, and he's just a really nice guy. On top of that, I heard a few talented high school choirs perform at the Assembly hall, and sang with my own Institute choir.

That's David rehearsing with Mack Wilberg and MoTab. I have a fun video too!

I made their headpieces :)

Then I arrived in Florida just in time to sing in the ward Christmas program. My amazing friend Hannah coordinated the music, and it was absolutely beautiful. I cannot begin to describe the spirit that poured through that sacred music. I felt so much love, for and from my Savior, and for all the good people around me. Thank you Han, for letting me be a part of it :)

And finally, Christmas is about people. Family, friends, or strangers, it seems everyone smiles a little brighter, gives a little more, and hopefully worries a little less. Although I am far away from my fabulous family - my awesome parents, siblings, nephews, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins - I am with my stellar sister Celeste, my bestest friend Kjersti, and so many old and new wonderful friends. Near and far, I love you all and I am so grateful for every wonderful part you have played in my life!

I am so, so blessed at this most beautiful, happy, wonderful time of the year! I know I owe it all to my Savior, Jesus Christ, who was born in the most humble circumstances, lived a sinless life, took the weight of the world's pain and mistakes upon Him, died and was resurrected.... All so that we can experience the journey of mortality and qualify to return to our Father in heaven. Amazing! Beautiful! Happy!

Merry Christmas one and all!!

For it is in giving that we receive. - St. Francis of Assisi

2010-12-21T11:13:00.001-07:00

I love the Christmas season so much! I love the sparkling lights, the smells of pine trees and yummy food, singing Christmas carols and sacred music. I love the many excuses to play in the snow, socialize and eat :) More than anything, I love that everyone seems to pause to recognize this special time of year, even if they do not fully understand the event at it's origin.
What I don't love is Christmas present shopping. I am terrible at it! I really struggle with obligatory gifts like Christmas and birthdays. I am more the type to see something that makes me think of a person, and I just buy it - regardless of the occasion - because it meets a desire or need right then and there. Why must it only be at these designated occasions that we give?

I never know who exactly I am expected to buy for and I struggle to know what to get. Especially since I am currently a very broke grad student living off borrowed funds. And I really don't like generic gifts. I would rather receive nothing but a heartfelt note or warm hug than a random gift I do not want or need, simply because it is Christmas. I appreciate the gesture but it seems silly to me. I look at my gift giving the same way. If it is forced and superficial, it is meaningless.

And so I propose we look at giving a little differently. Instead of the random gift baskets, fruitcakes and ties, let us give our smiles, our listening ears, a warm embrace, an evening out, a clean home, a shoveled walk or a home-cooked me. Let us share the greatest give we can have in this life - the gospel of Jesus Christ. Let us celebrate his birth and the incredible gifts he gave us by giving of ourselves. And why must it only be at Christmas or birthdays? May we have eyes to recognize the opportunities to give, and hearts to open up and share of ourselves - not only at Christmas, but all year long!

And he sings too...

2010-12-07T01:23:00.001-07:00

So remember how I love Zachary Levi? Well I do. If I ever got to meet him, I'm pretty sure we would become great friends, and he might just love me too. For now, he simply makes me swoon as a nerdishly suave cartoon character, (if you haven't seen Tangled yet, GO! It is my new favorite Disney movie) and to make things even better, he really sings!

Check out this fabulous song with the uber talented Katherine McPhee. Love it :)

Successful Failure

2010-12-02T23:43:00.001-07:00

A friend once taught me something that changed my perspective on life. He called it "successful failure." He reasoned that there are no real failures in our lives because each set-back can teach or prepare us for something amazing we might have never found otherwise. However the success we find depends on our attitude toward our failure.

Several months ago I flew out to Montreal to interview with Disney Cruise Line. I had worked and waited for months for this opportunity, and yet as soon as I interviewed, I knew it wasn't right for me.

As I left the interview, my first thought was, "What a wasted trip! All this time and expense for nothing!" Then directly following was the internal retort, "No, it hasn't been wasted. It was a great weekend, and I needed to have this experience to choose for myself. I needed to reach a turning point and start a new chapter in my life. This was a successful failure."

I was offered the job, and I turned it down. I wasn't rejected, I simply recognized that it was time to take my life in a different direction. I chose to fail.

Our hotel was located right in the heart of the city, on the metro stop Bonaventure. That means "good adventure" in French. I think my trip to Montreal was just that, a good adventure. I got to explore a city I have wanted to visit for years. I met some fabulous people, flirted with some nice guys, and spoke some French. I also got back into working out, and had some really good talks with my mom. It was by no means a wasted trip. I loved Montreal, and I feel like the realizations were well worth the expense. A completely successful failure.

Then in late September I auditioned to dance in the Christmas concert for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And I made it! I was so excited to dance again. I was thrilled for the rehearsal process, the physical demands, the costumes, the stage! However, one of my classes conflicted with the rehearsal schedule and I had to drop out. Grad school is my priority right now, and I couldn't neglect my studies for a chance to dance. I chose to fail.

This choice has allowed me to have the free time to take on a number of other projects, including supporting my best friend and her family through a very difficult time. I've also joined the costume team for the Christmas concert where I have rekindled and improved some old skills and earn a little extra money while still being a part of the show. Plus, I am applying to a totally different department in order to change to another grad program that I finally feel great about. Ironically, this means that I don't even need the class that prevented me from dancing. However, so much else has happened that couldn't have otherwise, and I get to fly to Orlando the day before the performances which means a cheaper flight and longer stay. Totally successful failure.

In both cases, I thought I knew what I wanted, and I worked so hard to make it happen. Yet when the offer came, I walked away - for nothing but the dream of something else. I suppose that's what faith is, and that just might be what makes the difference.

All things happen for a reason - including our failures. It's up to us to find the success in them.

Another day, another engagement

2010-11-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have a love-hate relationship with facebook. Some days it brings me so much joy to communicate with and celebrate the good news of friends. But sometimes I find out things that break my heart, or just distract and depress me.

And nearly every day, there is another status change, or "We're getting married" group. My reactions to these vary. Sometimes it's a "Good for them!" or "Cute!!" or "So happy!"
Other times I think, "There really is someone for everyone..."

But every once in a while the dreary thought that drags across my mind is, "He/she has found someone to love them for forever, what's wrong with me?!?" What does it feel like to actually have a ring on your finger and know you are going to be with this person forever? You have chosen him and he has chosen you. Although I have come close in a few relationships, and I've been ready more than once, I've never felt that mutual affirmation of an official engagement. And sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

I know that's not healthy. I know the Lord has a plan for me, and He keeps telling me that it includes marriage and motherhood, but sometimes it's just hard to remember that.

Someday my relationship status will change and I'll get to make my own address collection! In the meantime, I'm getting a lot of practice writing the word "congratulations" in all sorts of languages:)

Simply grateful

2010-11-12T00:13:00.004-07:00

I am so blessed! I live a wonderful life. Occasionally reality sinks in, quickly and deeply, and the stress gets to be a little much to deal with. So I count my blessings, one by one, and suddenly it is so easy to be happy :)

I have an awesome family! They support me, counsel me, laugh with me, love me, and keep me in line. They are unique, intelligent, funny, spiritual, and simply wonderful people who are examples to me in so many ways. They have helped me become the person I am. And I miss them like crazy!

I have so many fabulous friends, all over the world. They make me smile and keep life interesting and exciting. They give me great excuses to travel :) In the midst of these, I have a few sincere and remarkably loyal friends who keep me afloat when the storms of life get a little intense.

I have a strong, healthy body. I have energy, I can run and dance and play! I am stronger than most girls and I have the self-discipline to train and tone my body. I am not a supermodel or a twig, but I am curvy, feminine, and comfortable with myself. Plus, I'm a redhead. What more can I say?

I live in a happy, classy little apartment with a free gym and a swimming pool. I live with one of my very best friends. I also have my own room. It's my little haven from the world.

I have a bed :)

I am part of the greatest singles ward in Utah, where I feel loved, included, and appreciated. They are my surrogate family and wonderful friends.

My life is filled with good music and entertainment that uplifts, inspires, and helps me forget about my worries for a moment.

I have a shiny black laptop named Chuck and free wireless Internet connection almost everywhere I go.

I have access to 7 temples within an hour driving radius.

Every challenge, struggle, depression, loss, betrayal, pain, or rejection I have ever experienced has been followed by an outpouring of love, success, encouragement, healing, improvement, strength, or joy. Not immediately, mind you, but it comes.
My car may just be a Ford Focus, but it has power windows and locks, functional a/c, and a sunroof :)

I love my classes. I am dancing again. I go on dates fairly often. I am not allergic to chocolate!

But most importantly, I am a daughter of God with divine beauty and potential in my soul. I am a member of the true, restored church of Jesus Christ on the earth today. I have felt the Holy Ghost witness this truth and I have had so many other experiences to remind me of what I know. I have made promises to my God that will bless and exalt me, all I have to do is keep my end. I know there are prophets on the earth again and I am led by revelation, both general and personal. Isn't all that simply awesome!?!

I am so, so blessed!!!
What are you thankful for...?

"Chuck Bartowski? Paging Chuck Bartowski..."

2010-10-29T00:36:00.000-06:00

This summer my brother, by way of my other brother, introduced me to my new favorite TV show, CHUCK. It's about a regular guy who, in a strange twist of fate, gets roped into becoming a spy. Now, I am generally not much of a TV watcher. I hate commercials, I hate waiting a week to find out what happens next, and I hate having to be home at a certain time to watch it. My parent's don't even have TV at their house! But I simply love CHUCK! And fortunately for me, we were a few seasons behind in catching on to the CHUCK phenomenon, so we watched it all on DVD.

It became my summer tradition to watch Chuck with my dad and my brother Stephen, projected in our living room (forget flat screen, we had a whole wall!). Talk about the best kind of bonding with my nerdy brother and dad!! It's just not the same without them. In fact, when Dad went out of town for a few days, Stephen made me wait to watch any more episodes!

Recently, I went home for a few days on a break from school. Since season 3 had just come out, we borrowed my roommates copy and had a 5 day CHUCK marathon to get through season 3 before I left. Not only was it an AWESOME season, full of great stories, new characters, and suspenseful plot twists, but I got to watch it with my very own Nerd Herd :) And let me tell you what, watching with them is like living an action movie at the same time!

I've heard it said that CHUCK has such universal appeal is because guys find the title character relatable and women find him adorable. And I tell you, it is true!! Plus it has this genius blend of comedy and action, with the just the right amount of eye candy and sexual tension to keep things interesting.

If you have not seen it, come on over, I'll gladly re-watch it with you :) I seriously love this show! I love all the zany characters! And it seems all my favorite people love the CHUCK crew too. Until I find my own Chuck, my dates have to pass the CHUCK test. Don't like my show? Kind of a deal breaker.

And may I just add that if Mr. Zachary Levi is anywhere near as adorably nerdy as his fictional counterpart (and I've heard he is), I would gladly have him save my world - or my computer - any day ;)

2 whole years

2010-10-28T23:36:00.000-06:00

Exactly two years ago my life turned upside down. I think someone was trying to tell me something. Something along the lines of "You're not the one in control! I know better, just trust me!"

The horrible cold turned flu turned rare virus and subsequent 4 days in bed didn't get it through my head, nor did any of the other trials of that year. So He used a dopey border guard and a misunderstanding to help pull me out of Florida, turn me around, and put me on the path He wanted me to be on.

And it has been two years since...

Not quite sure I've truly found that path yet, but at least I've learned to let Him take the wheel!

Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

2010-10-25T13:05:00.003-06:00

"It's like meeting the man of your dreams
then meeting his beautiful wife."

Remember a few months back when I wrote about a little crush I had on a certain semi-celebrity? (refresh your memory here) Well, I am still somewhat dazed by the whole thing, but a few weeks ago, I ran into him. Turns out we have some common friends. Not even kidding!!!

I walked into my friends very crowded apartment, and found myself face to face with this amazing guy. And yes, he is just as attractive in person. As soon as I realized it was him, I had a little inner freak-out and thought, "This is it! I'm meeting him! It might actually happen!"

Then, in the 30 seconds that followed, I noticed the thrilled commotion of my friend with a girl nearby, put all the pieces together, and came back down to reality. The beautiful girl with the huge diamond engagement ring, was this man's fiancee, and they were getting married 2 weeks later.

Fortunately, I did nothing to embarrass myself. I figured it all out on my own and kept all my instantaneous excitement and disappointment to myself. But a little part of me was crying.

It wasn't so much that I would cry over this random stranger, but rather what he represented for me. See, even though I had never met him before, he gave me hope. Hope that intelligent, righteous, good-looking single men close to my age still exist out there, and I might possibly find one who'll want to keep me. And in the moment I met him and then learned of his impending wedding, I felt like that hope faded a little. Strange, I know.

One the bright side, he found his forever! And she is around my age, a returned missionary and a redhead... go figure! I actually got to attend their wedding reception with our mutual friend. Yep, weird again. And yet, it was so fun and happy!! Seeing them together renewed my hope. They are two mature, good, beautiful people who have each been through their own trials of patience and plenty of heartache along the way. And they made it to the next step!

So yes, there is still hope for me. Just not sure when or how I will ever find it! I guess that's where faith steps in.

"Isn't it ironic...? Life has a funny way of helping you out..."

Dancing through Life

2010-09-13T09:33:00.005-06:00

I am a dancer. I hear music and I have to move! However, I quit formal training when I was only 15 and never went very far with it. I still dance socially whenever I can, but I feel like this summer has been a true return to dancing for me.

First of all, I started going to a zumba class once or twice a week. I can think of no more fabulous way to stay in shape than dancing to high-energy, Latin-inspired tunes. So fun! And the best part was that one week, my instructor complimented me on my rhythm and smooth moves. She said, "I know you are a dancer, because not everyone can move their hips like you do!" Considering how long it has been and the extra weight I've added since, that was so nice to hear. Maybe my curves just amp up my moves.lol

I also got to be a part of the dance troupe for the luau I helped plan. It was so interesting and fun to learn different styles of Polynesian dance, and after all that hip-shaking, my abs were looking great!

And then I got to spend 2 fantastic weeks at EFY, where I not only learned the EFY line dances, but I got to dance my little heart out twice a week at the dances with my kids. Let's just say it was my ideal job and I wish i could do it all year long!

I learned new styles of dance, remembered some old stuff, and learned choreography. And I have to say I am dang good at it!! I pick things up very quickly, and somehow manage to retain it when others forget. Performing at the luau, getting my groove on at zumba, and letting loose at EFY all made me feel like a million bucks! I feel so very blessed to have such wonderful opportunities to rediscover something I love so much!

So now I've been dance free for about a month... I'm feeling a little bit deprived. Time to find a new spot and new groovin' friends :)

HEELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO LA LA LAAAA!!!

2010-09-04T12:27:00.003-06:00

Hi. Just wanted to let you know that I am not dead. Quite alive in fact. I have now lived in Salt Lake City, Utah for about 2 weeks and things are getting better all the time.

I had a most eventful and completely wonderful summer, filled with amazing new friends and experiences that quite literally changed me. I have every intention of sharing these adventures with you, however I am still laptop-less and a little overwhelemed by the transition back to school.

So, give me a couple more weeks and I'll be back on top of things with so many awesome stories to share! And then I'll even have time to catch up on YOUR stories too!!

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for still checking in occasionally. I am so blessed to know so many fabulous people :) Till next time!

In the past decade...

2010-07-18T20:49:00.004-06:00

I recently volunteered to take over the planning of my 10-year high school reunion. For a graduating class of 44 people, that is not any exceptionally difficult task, and we all know how I love party planning! Getting in touch with all these people after so long has been very interesting. There is this little tiny part of me that wishes I had a family to show off too. But most of me is just so happy to have done so many amazing things!

Since I graduated from Kitscoty High School (yep, that's me back in 2000), I have:

had 8 different full-time jobs
performed in 4 stage productions
fallen in love four times and had my heart broken just as many
visited 10 countries; 3 by myself
gone to Disneyland, Disney World, and Disneyland Paris about a billion times
learned fluent French
welcomed 2 more nephews into the world
played bridesmaid 3 times; twice in pink!
lived with more than 80 different roommates
lost one of my best friends to cancer
overcame my fear of ocean life and cuddled up to a dolphin
caught 2 bridal bouquets
received my endowment
attended 14 different temples
had major dental surgery and braces
earned an Associate of Science and a Bachelor of Arts, and was accepted to graduate school!
served a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
explored 15 states
put my feet in 7 major bodies of water: the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, the Gulf of Mexico, the Mediterranean sea, the Adriatic sea, the North sea, and the Dead sea.
cut my hair super short twice, and donated it to Locks of Love
dressed as Tinker Bell for Halloween 3 times
appeared in a press photo and on Quebecois TV riding a Segway at Disney World
eaten alligator, guinea pig, rabbit, frog's legs, escargot and alpaca meat, among many other international treats
helped renovate 2 houses
been to the top of the Eiffel Tower 3 times
worked for the Mouse on 2 continents
met thousands of amazing people including the best friends I have ever known

AWESOME. And it's only 2010! Let's see where the next 10 years will take me!

So speaks the geek

2010-07-02T13:13:00.002-06:00

Looks like all my brother's nerdfests have paid off. He has a YouTube channel (blueskymaller)and has been making videos on a pretty regular basis lately. He is actually a very creative guy and seems to have a knack for these short videos. They may be a little random, but they are so much more intelligent than the stupid videos of people dancing like idiots or ranting about insignificant things. At least, that's what I think. See for yourself:

Maybe someday we'll track down the Croc Hunter videos he made when he was 7. I'm telling you, this guy's got potential.

Thank you sir!

2010-06-29T17:28:00.001-06:00

I am grateful for men who are secure and devoted enough in their own marriages to their awesome wives that they can give a sincere compliment to a single gal like me, with no strings attached. That's all :)

Another 'Bachelor' bites the dust

2010-06-24T10:51:00.004-06:00

Just heard that Jake and Vienna have broken up. Can you say, 'I told you so'?

That makes 13 failed relationships as a product of that ridiculous show. In fact the only actual marriage was with a runner-up... The similarly themed Bachelorette show is currently 2 for 5.

So what does this tell you about dating in the artificial reality created on these shows? That it DOES NOT WORK. It may be entertaining for the love-sick who like to sit at home and watch other people's fantasy lives instead of living their own, however it is a really sad way of messing with people's emotions on national television.

But hey, who am I to judge? Each of these people were consenting adults who willingly put their lives and emotions on the televised chopping block. Maybe they are the desperate ones, unwilling to work and wait for love like the rest of us. At least they each got their 5 minutes of fame, though I can't say I want the reputations they have earned themselves with millions of people who don't even know them.

As for this most recent failure, I'm not so sure that Jake is the Captain Amazing we thought him to be at the start. Doesn't take long for the true colors to show, huh?

Pretty sure that when Jake said things like:

"I have a successful life, and live in a nice home, but it means nothing if I can't share it with someone."

What he really meant was:

"I just wanna get some. A lot actually. With lots of women who look like supermodels and are constantly throwing themselves at me. Yep."

Then he tried to pull the wool over our eyes with sweet stuff most guys would never say, like:

"I'm not looking for the most beautiful girl. I'm looking for the most beautiful heart."

and

"Love is perfect, it endures."

Gag me. How did we let his excessive sentimentality fool us? Maybe he should go into showbiz. Looks like he has a knack for acting.

How about this one:

"Nice guys don't finish last. Nice guys just have to wait a little longer sometimes."

Well Jake, time to prove you really are a nice guy and look for love the old-fashioned way, just like everyone else.

Oh this show just makes me sad! Yet at the same time, I am so grateful that I can be happily single and hopeful for real love and friendship in the future. I don't have to join a competition to get a husband, nor do I have to sit at home watching some melodramatic show and dreaming about Mr.Right. I can just live! And I know he'll show up eventually :)

You know what's cool?

2010-06-21T02:11:00.002-06:00

I have been so busy and productive with so many different projects lately, that I hardly have time to count my blessings, nevermind worry about what I lack! I feel great! I am energized through the limited sleep, and I smile through the pain of my messed up back because everything I am doing is so valuble and rewarding :)
The best part is that I don't have time to be lonely! I am surrounded by good people, and we are working together to bring about great things for other good people. (although I do owe some catch-up phone calls to many of my dear far-away friends.... I have not forgotten, promise!)
And every so often I get in a random episode on DVD to remind me that cute guys like Finn and Chuck and Clark and Jim exist out there (at least in TV land), and someday I'll have one around. But I simply don't have time to think about that right now! Isn't that awesome?!

Hope Floats

2010-06-21T00:21:00.003-06:00

It has been the theme of my year. (check it) We have had hope for Haiti, hope for change, and hope for a cure. I cannot escape this word and all that it represents in my life right now!

I found this rock on my visit to Utah a few months ago, in a shop devoted to free trade and empowering local producers all over the world. It has this beautiful word etched into it by hand.

I now work for an amazing organization, Habitat for Humanity, who's motto is 'Building homes. Building hope.' This experience has been enough to warrant a post of it's own!

And a few weeks ago, I attended the Relay for Life all-night fundraiser in our town. It was the culminating night of a campaign to raise money for cancer research; bringing together survivors, families, and an entire community in the celebration of life and the battle against cancer. Though it was a chilly night with drizzly rain that turned into snow by morning, it was a beautiful reminder of all the reasons I have to hope.

At one point, I walked alone around the lake where all the tribute luminaries were lined up along the path. There were hundreds of lights representing hundreds of souls who lost their battles with cancer. My thoughts turned to all the wonderful people I have lost to this impossible, unpredictable disease. I was so full of love for the cancer heroes in my own life, and at the same time, felt so much sorrow and frustration for the injustice of their passing. Cancer is one illness I will never understand, nor will I even try. It simply doesn't make any sense. Young, perfectly heath-conscious people die of cancer everyday while chain smokers of forty years live to be a hundred. It seams to me that cancer is one of God's ways of forcing us to let go and turn to Him. Because no matter how hard we fight, if he decides it's time, it is time, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

As I looked across the lake, I saw a few luminaries arranged in the form of my theme word. My heart lifted again. I wiped the tears from my eyes and thought back to all the beautiful moments I shared with my best friend, my grandfather, and so many other good people who were taken by cancer. I was overcome with gratitude for them, and for the tiny slice of life I got to share with each one of them. And then I felt an even greater gratitude and love for the life I have been given and the people who are a part of it now.

Life is so fragile and fleeting, and yet I am here, now with all the opportunities and possibilities in the world laying out ahead of me. In spite of all the injustice and pain, that simple and powerful thought fills my heart with HOPE!!

Island Fever

2010-06-14T22:36:00.001-06:00

As the Marketing and Events Coordinator (nice title huh? I made it up myself.lol) for Habitat for Humanity this summer, I am working on a Polynesian luau dinner show as a fundraiser. We have had an amazing response from the community, and local businesses have been so generous in their donations of time and services.

Since I want this event to be both authentic and amazing, I have been up to my ears in research on Polynesian food, dancing, customs, language, dress, history, etc. Suddenly I am trying to learn 3 different island languages, I'm fantasizing about tropical vacations and work exchange programs to these beautiful places, and most of all, I have been mesmerized by the culture. I just want to go there and experience it all! Where, you ask? For starters: Hawaii, Tahiti, New Zealand, Tonga, Fiji, Samoa, Easter Island, the Philippines, and then every little island in between.

And I think I need to find myself a Polynesian man... or at least a hot rugby player with an appreciation for culture ;)

Can you blame me??

When did I become a hippy?

2010-06-08T00:26:00.003-06:00

My sweetener of choice is honey.
My lotion must have aloe, cocoa butter, natural oils, and nothing I can't pronounce.
My cookies must be freshbaked and preferably whole grain, processed foods taste so... fake.
Cotton is vital to my wardrobe, polyester has very little place there.
I try to recycle just about everything I can.
My meat and eggs are all locally farm-grown.

How on earth am I going to survive on a student budget now that I understand more, and actually care what I am giving my body??

Utah... who knew?

2010-06-04T23:51:00.003-06:00

As many of you already know, I have been accepted to the Master's program in Educational Psychology at the University of Utah. I am both thrilled and nervous about beginning this new phase of my life.

When I returned to Canada last October, reality hit harder than ever. Although I had had some amazing experiences, all I had to show for it were a few thousand photos and an empty bank account. I was lost as to how to proceed with my life, or what I even wanted to do. Though I enjoyed working in tourism and event planing, I knew that these were neither meaningful nor sustainable careers. When the economy slows down, the luxury spending on vacations and parties are among the first things to go. I needed more stability than that. I also wanted to feel like what I did was making a difference, so instead of making a few kids happy for a day, maybe I could help build them up for life...

All that, along with my love for communication and education, led me to teaching. This is something I can do as a mother, that will help with my own kids, and if nothing else, I can teach and nurture children now, while I wait for my own. With the world getting more harsh and difficult every day, I want to empower kids to be their best and to love goodness. I believe so many lost souls could have made it if someone had believed in them.

Since my undergrad was in Communication, I next had to find a Master's program that included teaching certification. If I am going to spend another 2 years in school to certify, then I might as well get a Master's degree too!

I narrowed down the areas I wanted to live to Florida, Texas, D.C., or Utah. I wanted to be close to friends, and preferably in a warmer climate (although almost anything is warmer than Canada!) The Florida deadlines were all too early to make. Texas didn't really have the program I needed. UVU didn't accept international students to their teaching program. Then I discovered the degree at the University of Utah. It seemed ideal for my goals, gave me a more legit degree than just a Master's of Teaching, and was right down the road from plenty of good friends.

The GRE was miserable, the application process was long and complicated, and the preparation stressful. However, I got everything in on time, and proceeded to spend the next month traveling and playing with some of my favorite American friends.

By mid-April I was getting antsy, so I got online to check my status. It said "Admitted." I read that page over and over, afraid it was going to change or something. Then a week later, I got a letter in the mail with the same exciting news. I got in! They want me! And suddenly the reality of this commitment began to sink in.

There are a few things about this whole scheme that really showed a divine hand guiding me through - and it's a good thing, cuz I have had my doubts! First of all, I got in! It is a competitive program at a great university, and I am no genius. Obviously they think I am up to it though, so I best believe in myself too.

Second, I have never wanted to live in Utah, in fact, I think I have fairly successfully avoided it, until now. It is a beautiful place to visit, but I have had a little too many negative experiences with some arrogant, ignorant, "Utards" as they say. Please forgive the slang, but I see this as a whole different breed from the Utahans I totally respect and adore. I just feel like a lot of people who live there take so much for granted. They have created this "holier than thou" attitude, when in many cases, they haven't got the backbone or base of testimony to survive anywhere but "Zion." That being said, may I reapeat that some of my favorite people, whom I love and admire the most are from Utah, and do not fit this mold at all. But those other ones had me scared off. I have come to realize that I will find ignorant, selfish people anywhere I go. Instead of worrying about dealing with them, perhaps I can focus on destroying that stereotype, and being my best self in spite of them. Plus, I am actually pretty excited about being in a city surrounded by the serenity and adventure of the mountains, while also being a major center filled with culture, professional sports, temples, restaurants, and a major airport. Fun times are coming, I can feel it!

After I was accepted I began to second guess myself, wondering why I hadn't applied to schools in New York, Hawaii, or some other exciting place. But I chose Salt Lake City in the first place, because I wanted to be close to my best friend Kjersti, who recently moved up to teaching high school theatre after a few years of teaching junior high. She has been much of my inspiration in wanting to teach, and she has been the one friend to stick with me through all my adventures and foreign habitations. She always visits me, keeps regular contact, and reminds me of my worth and potential. She seems to know just when I need her, and I know I can count on her - even on the other side of the world. For some mysterious reason, she is also single, so I decided we should at least live close so we can be single together :) Soon we will be roommates again, so I am very excited for the many adventures to come, especially as she tackles this new role in a high school.

The other thing that has happened lately, is that I have become involved in my community here. My boring little city is growing so fast, and now has fun events, diverse culture, great sports teams and organizations. I feel like I am appreciated and valued here. Suddenly the idea of going tens of thousand of dollars in debt, and losing my freedom to travel and move for a few years does not seem so appealing. In a way, I wish I could just stay a little longer and save a little more money and travel a little more...

However, I know that I can't progress much farther here spiritually and emotionally. I need sociality! I need friends to get to know, love and serve, and good men to flirt with and date. I need progression. I need a career that will leave me feeling challenged and rewarded, regardless of the pay. It is time to move on to the next chapter of my life, and I have very clearly been directed to do so in Utah.

So now I work as much as I can to prepare for the big move, and keep myself busy so that the next 8 weeks go by as quickly as possible! And though it still snows in Utah, it is just a short flight from Orlando, where I'll always have a home to escape to. I know that this right for me, that Salt Lake is where I need to be, and now is the time. I can't wait to discover a whole new kind of happy in my life there :)

My American Homecoming

2010-05-30T10:58:00.004-06:00

After my border fiasco back in October '08, I was advised to wait at least a year before returning to the United States. Well I am happy to report that, despite my nervousness, all went smoothly and I spent 10 lovely March days in the sunshine state. I got to catch up with wonderful old friends, make some fabulous new ones, play at Walt Disney World, watch the sunset on the west coast, spend a perfect beach day on the east coast, dance my cares away, and attend the wedding of my friend and former roommate, Anita. This day meant a lot to me, not only to see her so very happy, but also because I had to miss the weddings of 2 other roommates, Amy and Bethany, while I was in France last year. So I was thinking of all 3 beautiful brides and dear friends that day :)

The happy couple

3 down, 3 to go from the Chateau

Kim, my favorite adventurer!

She was in Florida at the same time, and made my visit even more fabulous!

During my visit, I noticed a change in myself. I felt more mellow about life and more willing to simply enjoy the moments and follow the Lord's will for me instead of trying to force my own way. I felt closure in many ways. I still miss my life there, and wish I could be there, but I realize that I can't right now. It was like that saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I felt a few doors close that week, but several windows also opened to let in a most refreshing breeze :)

After my forced, 15-month hiatus, I appreciated everything more, especially my true friends. I was very social when I lived in Orlando, and I pretty much knew everyone. It was so interesting to be around some of those people again. A year really isn't that long, but when you are in another country and communications are limited, you see a little more clearly who really cares about you. It's amazing how much things can change in such a short time. I am grateful for the friends who are still friends, and for being able to celebrate the progress and change in each other's lives.

Here are a few photos of my adventures, and the awesome people I shared them with.

With Tawnya, just a week before Cullen was born

Andrea, the best Dory ever

Thibault, my Traditions trainer from Disneyland Paris

Lunch with the Sensors

B-Rock sharing some Utah lovin'

My temple :)
The Solomons totally didn't recognize me. Hi-larious!

Jess the dancing queen

Old and new friends at my 'surprise' party

Miss Hannah. Missed her!

A perfect day at Cocoa beach

Rooftop hot tub and the inspirational Erin

West coast sunset, baby!

My favorite stylist, Emily

Epcot, my home park

Dinner with the Parkes family featuring Elliott, the latest addition :)

I am so blessed! Thank you all (and all the others who I didn't snag photos with) for welcoming me home :)

Absolutely Finn-tastic

2010-05-29T10:48:00.002-06:00

I am such a Gleek. These shows are my weekly dose of humor, eye candy, and feel-good music. The past few weeks have been especially enjoyable, mostly because of all the focus on the guys. Let's be honest, guys who can sing? Irresistable!!!
I love this tall, dreamy Canadian boy and the incredible sincerity he pours into every performance...

... almost as much as I LOVE this curly-haired, broad-shouldered man and his smooth, passionate voice. (not Doogie Houser, the other guy ;)

And an honorable mention goes to this guy. His character is an idiot but he's so dang cute!

Cinco de Mayo

2010-05-05T23:24:00.000-06:00

Today would have been the 28th birthday of my best friend Jewell. I've been thinking a lot about her lately, and all the good times we shared. I do not understand the injustice of mortality. Sometimes I really hate it. Some things I will never understand. But this I know: I love her. I miss her. I am so glad I knew her. And I know someday, I will laugh and sing with her again.

(Click here to read my blog about this amazing girl)

P.S.

2010-05-04T00:04:00.002-06:00

I LOVE the positive people in my life!!! They are rare treasures in a strange world, and they make life a beautiful thing to be a part of. Thank you!!

Sometimes...

2010-05-03T23:52:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I feel like I expect too much of people. Sometimes I get really frustrated when people act selfishly. Sometimes I feel hurt or betrayed because other people don't live up to the potential I see in them. Sometimes I feel so much love for people - and that is exactly what sets me up to be hurt or disappointed.
Maybe I am the selfish one... for seeing what isn't there, for believing anything is possible, for wanting the best. Then you try to help, and you get a slap in the face...
Bleh!
I won't stop loving, and I won't stop serving, but I tell you what:
The world is a lot bigger than you think! Get over yourself, cuz we are all in this together! There's always someone else who has it worse than you! No one forces you to be miserable or happy, you do that all by yourself.

He's got the world on a string

2010-04-25T23:40:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago I went to the best concert of my life with my bff Kjersti (and yes, we were twinners for the night in our matching t-shirts). We spent the evening swooning, dancing, laughing, and singing along with Michael Bublé as our most gracious host. He was charming, goofy, natural, sincere, and an absolute entertainer. Every song he sang was full of emotion, like he was living it all himself. He called us "my loves." On several occasions, he removed his earpieces so he could just hear pure sound of the band. His voice was raw yet just as smooth and dreamy as his recordings. I screamed uncontrollably when he hit the stage. I felt like a school girl at a Backstreet Boys concert - it was just an instinctive reaction to an incredible moment. lol He even wandered out through the crowd as he sang!

At the end of an incredible 3-song finale, he hushed the crowd and sang "Your song" - like he was singing to every one of those ten thousand people individually - with no earpieces or microphone. It was simply beautiful.

On his website it says: As Michael Bublé opens wide the doors to his own emotions for the world to see on “Crazy Love”, he knows he has no other choice. "I can't [BS] my fans, he says. They will know it’s real because they will feel it too -- and after that we are no longer strangers."

Sure he likes to cuss every now and then, but he is real. It felt like hanging out at his house, with a big band in the living room :) He made it personal; you truly felt like his friend by the end of it.

The best part was that he recognized what a blessing it is to do what he does. He gives the best show imaginable because he knows his fans are the people who make his life possible. He was so gracious and humble about the gift and opportunities he has been given. If only more performers were like Bublé!

Can you tell how totally thrilled we were to be there?

Bublé has said, "You can try to trick the people and come out wearing a fedora and a tuxedo but that's not me. I was born in the late '70s, I wear jeans. i don't hang out in casinos. The lifestyle isn't my thing. I don't drink martinis and I don't smoke cigars."

He's still just Mike, the son of a "salmon killer" from Burnaby, BC, who simply loves to sing.

And I tell you what, it was worth every penny to attend such an amazing concert by someone who made me feel appreciated for being there. Too bad all his Canadian concert dates are sold out, cuz I would LOVE to live that night again :)

This guy knows how to make an entrance... and exit

2010-04-25T23:36:00.000-06:00

Just a glimpse of his greatness. Please excuse the unsteady camera, I was too busy screaming and swooning to keep a clear shot :)

The opener

Sweet, sincere finale. What a class act!!

I'm blue da-ba-dee-da-ba-dah

2010-04-25T23:31:00.000-06:00

Back in February I went to the city's Mardi Gras costume party with my aunts and uncle. I helped with the make-up and then jumped in on the fun. I LOVE dressing up, and it had been a while, so I had a blast!

We even won best group :)

Catch up time

2010-04-25T23:21:00.003-06:00

I have had some really wonderful adventures the past few months. I am working on articulating these experiences and my feelings about them. I also feel like few people read my blog anymore, but I guess the lack of commentary doesn't necessarily mean you aren't reading, just that you have no opinions... lol
Anyway, for those of you who are listening - and thank you! - please bear with me while I catch up.
P.S. I am happy to report that within a month after my weight max-out, I lost 15 lbs. Though still far from structured in my fitness, I am well on my way to looking and feeling much better:)

My angels

2010-04-16T22:42:00.009-06:00

Thursday morning I woke up around 4 am and was violently ill. I threw up 7 more times before 9:30 am, and a 9th and final time just after noon. I have never been so painfully sick so many times in one day. It was exhausting, discouraging, and downright scary.

I am happy to report that my strange malady seems to have run its course and I am now trying to rest and recover from the fatigue and dehydration. But I have to recognize two wonderful people who helped me survive yesterday.

First, my dear, sweet mother. I haven't had her around when I was sick in a very long time. She made all sorts of teas and drinks for me, searched out remedies for my poor tummy, rubbed my aching back with essential oils, and so many other things. My mom can drive me crazy sometimes, but there is no one better to take care of you when you are sick! She has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and I am grateful that she is my mom.

And secondly, my amazing little brother, Stephen. He spent his day off buying me ginger ale, running errands for mom, making pizza for our nephews, and even managed to pull off his weekly nerd-fest with his friends. Most importantly, he gave me a healing Priesthood blessing. Through his slow but deliberate words, I felt heavenly power giving me the patience and strength to endure this physical trial. Not only that, but I felt the incredible faith and love of my brother. In my heart, he will always be the baby brother I adored, but now he has become an amazing young man. He is so kindhearted, full of love, ready to serve, obedient, dedicated, loyal, smart, and way funny when you catch him in the right mood! I am so grateful for the past few months I have had to spend getting to know him better and watching him prepare to serve the Lord. he will be a most excellent missionary.

My family is far from perfect, but they are just so good! Even in the midst of physical torment, I am so very blessed.

She’s back!!!!!!!!

2010-04-09T10:31:00.003-06:00

Figuratively and literally.

I am back at home in Canada after four wonderful weeks of travel and visits. But more importantly, I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually back where I should be.

The past six months or so have been a very trying time for me. I have been living with my parents - without my own room. The weather was bitterly cold. I gained weight. I felt lost, frustrated, confused, and alone.

Then back in February, something clicked. I was driving around running errands after a great trip to the gym; listening to some of my favourite music, completely in control of my own schedule. Suddenly I realized how great I felt. Even in my putzy little home town, I felt like ME again! I felt like the girl who had a fun, independent life in Florida. I felt confident, happy, positive, and calm. It was AWESOME!!!

At first it was a fleeting feeling, and the discouragement would still creep in daily. Now, I feel that difference consistently – even with the obvious opposition of a miserable April snowstorm :) This small experience, combined with several others and culminating in my extended vacation, has helped me to get back to being the girl I love to be. Me!

I believe I have kicked whatever funk was weighing me down. I am still not where I want to be in my life, but I know that I will be soon. I have the perspective to see a few months ahead and recognize the value of a little sacrifice now. I have become more involved with local events and organizations. I have a calling at church. I feel a part of something valuable. I contribute, I matter! And I can give so much more standing tall, shoulders square, with a smile of excited determination on my face. Not a whole lot has changed in the past year and a half, but I have changed, and that is what matters most. I like the progress I have made. I like the person I have become. I like the way I am starting to see others, the self-discipline that I am learning, the way I treat myself, and how much I just want to be good!

So in a way, I am back to the old me – positive, determined, motivated, and passionate. However, I believe the updated version is just that much stronger, wiser and happier. And boy does it feel great to have found her!!

So many beautiful reasons I have to be happy!

2010-03-07T01:22:00.006-07:00

My life has been packed full of lots of happy events, news, plans, and experiences lately, and I haven't even gotten on here to share the fun! However, I must report very exciting news I got yesterday - only a week and a half after my interview.

I finally get to be an EFY counselor!!

Since I first attended EFY, I have wanted to return as a counselor. I have applied several times, interviewed once, canceled an interview, and every year managed to be unavailable for the necessary summer weeks. Now that I am 28, this is my last opportunity, so I am ecstatic to live another of my dreams:)

I'll be spending the first 2 weeks of August in Calgary with some of the best young people Western Canada has to offer; loving all the sleepless nights and hectic days. The timing is perfect, because if all goes well I will get home just in time to pack my car and head to grad school... but that is an announcement I must wait to make.

Yay!! Life has gotten pretty dang good since I decided to stay home this summer. Who knew? :)

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

2010-03-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

That's me. So apparently I have reached a new all-time low, right when I thought I was actually doing a lot better.

Nothing like choking down a little humble pie before bed.

How can you watch a whole season of this stuff??

2010-03-01T20:20:00.004-07:00

I caught the last 15 minutes of The Bachelor tonight, and a little of the aftershow. And that was more than enough to test both my patience and my gag reflex.

First of all, how can any decent man think it is okay to kiss, sleep with, and otherwise mess around with so many different women at once?? Oh right, he's a MAN. In real life he would be considered a total player and manwhore, but he's doing it on TV so it's okay... What?!?!?

At the end of the season, he's supposed to propose, yet how many marriages have come from this show? One, last week, and he married the girl he originally rejected. Most of the others broke up after a few months of real life. What a mockery of how important marriage is and should be!

I really hate how this show plays with the lives and emotions of real people. Maybe a few of them just wanted to be noticed or something, but there were several people who had their hearts crushed with America watching. The media creates images of these people, labeling them as good or bad without allowing the objective experience of getting to know someone. Ugh! It literally makes me ill to think that we can be so easily swayed by certain perspectives and opinions, and what's worse, that we often lash back with our own insults to fuel the fire. I fell into that too. Sorry Vienna.

So many women pine for their "dream man" while imagining up every romantic detail. We have amazing minds, and we can create the perfect situation without ever realizing that the man may not even be on the same track. Shows like this feed that irrational train of thought and create emotional wrecks out of grown women. Of course they all wanted to spent their lives with him! In an ideal world of luxury dates, no work, and little touch with reality, who wouldn't?

However, I must admit that Jake had a point, although he probably didn't even realize it. There isn't necessarily ONE person out there for us; one soulmate we are destined to be with or not. There are certain people we have stronger connections with, but it is still up to us to choose. Men often need that "magical feeling," that "spark" to help them take the leap and commit to one person. I believe Jake did have genuine feelings for Tenley, because he was dating both of them at the same time! Of course he was confused! However the difference, the spark, the feeling, whatever "it" is, was only there with Vienna and so he chose her.

Perhaps it is my "wise," many-times-broken heart speaking, but if more people could just understand that and get on with life, they would be so much happier. I have been on both sides of the heartache. I know how it feels to love a person so much you can't imagine life without them, but they walk away because "it" just isn't there for them. And I know what it is like to genuinely care for someone who wants to be with you, but something intangible is still missing. Either way it isn't fun, but I've still managed to heal, move on and try again.

Marriage is a big decision - a forever choice. Painful as it is, I would rather a man walk away than stick around wishing for something that isn't there, or pretending it is. The connection has to be completely mutual. It's not like it's impossible! I know so many happy people who have found "it" - some of my ex's included!

I believe that someday, someone will feel "it" with me. I'll feel "it" too, and we will choose to build our forever together!! It's not a matter of fate, but of knowing who you are, what you want, and having faith in the possibilities. And it's not a decision to be made over several weeks of dream-dating multiple people under the subjective eye of a national television audience. It's one that will come when you're just out there living life! And till it happens, you've got all sorts of living, loving, and learning to do with the people along the way. Not on a competitive elimination "reality" show.

Not to cruise

2010-02-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

As much as there is still a part of me itching for the thrill of another adventure and the call of warm sea air, I just couldn't justify taking this job.

Since my main goal in working on a cruise ship was to make a lot of money in a hurry for school, it is no longer really worth the sacrifice of my every waking minute for the next 6 months. It would be a great experience, and really cool to say that I worked for Disney Cruise Line. However, I have had a lot of great experiences and I've worked in some pretty cool places. I'm ok with letting this one go.

I'm no longer just a kid looking for an experience. I have worked for Disney, I've had my adventures, and now I am at a point in my life where I want to put myself in position to build a career and settle down somewhere. Shocking, I know! I don't want another "once in a lifetime" experience. I just want a real life!

I guess it took walking away from that interview to realize that.

Since reaching this decision, I have already had 2 job offers here at home, both paying much higher than the boat, and both willing to work around my huge USA vacation coming up in March. I feel so incredibly blessed, and actually really happy to stay home for a while.

That right there is about the last thing I ever thought I would say! But I'm totally okay with just working hard, saving lots, and being dateless for a few months. I am close to family, my summer will be filled with small-town fairs and mountain hikes, and before I know it, I'll be moving south to become a student again. My big goals have become more important than my short-term adventures. Whoa... I think I might finally be growing up!

p.s. Thanks to those of you who cared enough to share your thoughts on this. You reminned me to really listen to and follow my heart:)

I love my country!!!

2010-02-16T01:07:00.004-07:00

I want my body back!!

2010-02-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Generally I love my body, but I have reached a breaking point. I now weigh more than I did when I got home from my mission - which means the most I have EVER weighed. Normally, weight doesn't mean much to me. But this time it means I feel like crap! My body is not happy and it isn't gonna get any better unless I make some serious changes.

Now before you worry, or call-in a counselor, know that I am not obsessing. There is no self-hate or unrealistic ideals involved. I simply want to feel better!! I want my body to function at it's best and easily digest the food I eat. I want to fuel my body, not burden it. I want to feel energized, strengthened, beautiful, flexible, and young. I want to fit my clothes and look good in them again.

I have the tools, I have the know-how, but thanks to minor depression and holiday eating, I have allowed myself to eat junk and neglect my muscles.

So now, it's back to the gym and busting out the yoga mat EVERY DAY. This week I worked out 4 out of 7 days, so I'm getting on track! I am kick starting my recovery with a digestive cleanse, almost entirely of fresh fruits and vegetables. Then in a few weeks, I will be ready for the hardcore return of my beloved Body for Life.

I know how my body works. I have been in great shape before, and I know I can do it again. However, this time it is more than just slimming down, it is about feeling better. And I cannot wait to get there!!

"Please just call me red-headed and forgive me."

2010-02-14T19:56:00.011-07:00

Today I realized how much I love my hair. My skin, weight, and other things may frustrate me, but at least I have one nice feature. It is naturally a really awesome color, it is thick and healthy, it's straight, yet holds curl well. I can do fun up-dos with it or leave it down. And thanks to my face shape, it works at almost any length. (although I really love it sassy, short, and spikey...)

"Nobody who has known a redhead can say that redheads are tame. Even shy redheads have a burning spark of adventure inside them. Opinionated, hotheaded, logical, loyal, friendly, reserved, whatever the redheads' personality, you can bet they'll have SCADS of it!" - Review of The Redhead Encyclopedia

"Of course, part of the problem with redheads is that there aren't enough of them. They make up just two percent of the population. So they're pretty extraordinary. Redheads are too numerous to be ignored, too rare to be accepted." - Grant McCracken

Yep, I have been very blessed with some lovely locks. And the color definitely plays a huge part in my identity and personality! It's the small things that keep you smiling, and when it comes to my hair, I wouldn't change a thing :)

Happy Love Day

2010-02-14T19:25:00.003-07:00

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection."
- Buddha

To cruise or not to cruise...

2010-02-12T13:29:00.004-07:00

When I returned from France and was searching for a purpose in life, I applied to Disney Cruise Line. It was something I had thought about before in my different Disney adventures. It seemed like good timing, when I had no real relationships or commitments on the horizon. Now, months later, I just returned from a trip to Montreal for my interview with Disney Cruise Line. And today, I got a job offer.

Here is the dilemma: After all that work and waiting and expense to get this job, I'm not sure that I want it. Since I applied, I made some decisions about my future, and I'm not sure this fits anymore. In addition to that, I left the interview feeling very strange and even adverse to the possibility. It was like my entire outlook on this opportunity changed entirely in a matter of minutes.

So now I am weighing the pros and cons and exploring my options. Please share your wisdom and advice!! I am normally very set on what I want to do, and this time I just don't know...

First, let me explain my long-term plan. I want to go to grad school this fall to go into Education. I'm just finishing the applications, so I will not know for another couple of months if I am accepted. I want to start building an actual career, instead of bouncing between random jobs as I have done since college. And I want that career to make a difference in the world - even if that difference is only felt in my little classroom. So the solution I'm seeking now, is to make the most money possible up until I start school.

My current options are:
1. To work for Disney Cruise Line until I start grad school, or, in the case that I do not get into grad school, for an undetermined amount of time.
2. To stay and work in my Canadian hometown until I begin school in the fall...or figure out another option if I don't get into school.

So the way I see it, here are the arguments.
Disney Cruise Line
Pros:

No room and board to pay for my entire contract
Working in AC on the boat, but still get to enjoy the sunshine
Meet new people and friends from all over the world
Work for Disney again
Close to my Florida friends at the beginning and end of my contract
Transportation costs included
Park tickets and Disney discounts
24-hour gym
Getting out of here!
Independence
Potential for future contracts during school breaks and over summer.

Cons:

Pay is only $346/week (which is $200 lower than I was originally told in my phone interview)
Regular work week is about 70 hours, so the overtime pay does not kick in until you work 70-94 hours.
No days off, which means no church, no temple, no special occasions, no vacations for up to six months
Little control over my diet
Limited phone/Internet access
Potential overlap of my contract dates with the dates to start school
No EFY
Itty bitty living space

Home
Pros:

Freedom to travel; visits to friends and family in the US, mountains/camping, etc this summer (which I haven't done in years)
Church every week, monthly temple attendance, potential YSA activities, etc.
Potential to be an EFY counselor this summer. I have wanted to do this since I was a participant in the program, but every year something came up. Since I'm 28, this is the last year I can do it (my interview is next week)
More time close to family
Earning potential of $11-$15/hour, plus overtime opportunities
Can leave anytime I need to for school or other options
Invest in a car I can take with me to school...?
Possibility of having my own space

Cons:

It's so dang cold!
Dependant on my parents for a vehicle and housing
Trying to find a short-term rental agreement, or living with my parents
If I get my own place I'd have to borrow or buy some furniture because all of mine stayed in Florida
Living expenses like rent, utilities, groceries, and gas money
Limited social outlets, few friends or even people my age

Help!! What do you think? I'm so torn! In a way, I feel like I have had plenty of adventures, and I want to start investing my time and energy into a real career. I feel like I've grown up a little, and I should stay close to my priorities: faith, family, and friends. Yet on the other hand, this is such a fun and interesting opportunity!

Either way, there will be sacrifices involved. I just want to make sure that I am giving up the right things in a worthwhile effort, and that I'm moving in the right direction. I know it's only a few months, but in my life, a few months can change everything...

Sister Act

2010-02-10T20:32:00.004-07:00

I got home from my mission five years ago today. I can't believe how quickly that time has gone by! I am amazed by all that I have done! I NEVER thought I would be one of those "old" girls that still wasn't married years after her mission. But then again, I've never been one to do what was expected :)

I don't feel old, I feel fabulous!!! Besides, I'm just starting to get the hang of this whole 'life' thing!lol

Humbled, Grateful, Inspired

2010-02-01T23:09:00.005-07:00

In the process of completing job and school applications recently, I have had to gather several reference letters. I got to read a couple of them. It was so very flattering, encouraging, and humbling to hear such incredible comments made about me, by people I admire and respect very much. It made me want to work a little harder to be all those things in my own eyes too.

Then today I received a surprise package from a dear friend. It is a planner/workbook for embracing and celebrating who I am throughout 2010. I was so touched to know that such a great person was thinking of me and wanting to help me be happy.

These things have come at a time when I really needed to feel loved, and be reminded of what I am capable of. It's amazing what a few simple words or a kind gesture can mean to a stressed-out soul:)

I am a GLEEK

2010-02-01T21:23:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: This is an entirely superficial post in an attempt to give my soapbox a well-needed break.

Say what you will, I love GLEE! I got a taste of it last summer, but between living in Europe and not having tv when I came home, I missed it all. However, I recently got the soundtrack and watched a few episodes online. It just makes me happy! It is about talented people from all sorts of backgrounds pulling together and stepping up to become something better. It's about seeing beyond yourself and being a part of something. I loved watching the kids learn with each episode, and I laughed at the guys who were still idiots after all they had experienced(typical!). I love how the overall feeling is so positive, without ignoring the daily garbage that comes with high school. Top it all off with beautiful singing/dancing men, inspirational music, lots of laughs, and some powerhouse musical talent. Plus, the adorable Cory Monteith is Canadian:) Love it.

I've also recently busted out the first few seasons of Smallville, which I have owned for years and only seen a handful of episodes. (I didn't even know this show was still on - in it's 9th season! - until I looked for this picture) Cheesy, over-the-top sci-fi stories and teenage melodrama... somehow it makes me smile. And I've always been a sucker for Superman.

So as you can see, my main entertainment sources currently consist of eavesdropping on the lives of fictional teenagers. When you live far from your friends and social outlets and you are more or less housebound by the cold, you find things like this to keep you smiling. It's my escape :) Besides, the guys of Glee and Smallville are the closest I have been to attractive single men in months! A girl needs cute boys in her life!!! LOL

One little word

2010-02-01T00:51:00.001-07:00

I recently stumbled across the blog of a friend of mine, where she chose one word as the theme of her year. I love that idea, cuz I have had one small word crowding my thoughts for a few weeks.

HOPE:(noun) 1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best 2. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence 3.to believe, desire, or trust

As I have spent the past few months reflecting on my experiences and searching out my future path, I have been clinging to hope. I am not where I want to be, and yet I believe that I am on my way. I don't have all the answers, but they are coming, gradually. I have felt incredible heartache for people I love. I've seen them lose touch with precious things, and experience humiliating trials. I wish I could solve all their problems and make the hurt go away. I wish I could help them see the light, regain courage, and move forward. Though I can't do it myself, I have hope that they can. And after the devastating earthquake, I feel so overwhelmed by the need of the Haitian people. Yet, I have hope for them too.

That's what hope is: trusting in the possibilities when the reality gives you nothing but despair.
Hope is the glue when everything seems to fall apart. The new dream when nothing is as you expected. It is the hug of encouragement when you feel like a disappointment and failure. It's the light of inspiration when it seems you've done it all, but must keep going. It's the vision of the future when it seems so close yet so very far away. It's the courage to smile when everyone around you is enjoying the very opportunities you ache to have. It is the clarifying guide when you are alone, and feeling lost; the burst of energy when you feel you have nothing more to give. It is the faith to keep trying when it just seems impossible.

Last year, my life was filled with adventure. This year, I have grown up and settled down somewhat. My focus has changed. I am still dreaming, believing, and pushing forward into the darkness, but the goals I am reaching for now are not specific destinations, nor are they within my immediate control. So instead of planning adventures, I hope that I will succeed. I hope that I can continue my education. I hope that I will be able to study, travel, work, serve and meet many wonderful new people. And I hold onto hope in my future, that I will someday get to experience the joys my freinds are feeling; that I have not been forgotten, but simply have a longer journey to make.

It is hope that has kept me afloat thus far, and I look forward to a new year filled with it. At least, I hope it will be :)

Bill and Stephen talk business

2010-01-29T00:28:00.001-07:00

Boo-yeah!!!

2010-01-28T23:21:00.010-07:00

Today Prime Minister Stephen Harper was in Davos, Switzerland to speak at the World Economic forum. While there, he met with former US President Bill Clinton who is currently the UN special envoy to Haiti. After their meeting, Clinton made these remarks:

"It has been unbelievable. First, the Canadian people are so generous. I’ll bet you on a per capita basis, they’re number one in the world now in helping Haiti. Probably because of the Prime Minister’s matching grant program but for whatever reason, the Canadians have all given money and all want to support it. You should be very proud of that. There is a big Haitian diaspora in Canada but this goes way beyond that. I’m very grateful."

Canadians have now donated $82.5 million to the relief efforts in Haiti. That is essentially the equivalent of $3 from every man, woman, and child living on Canadian soil. And that amount has yet to be doubled by the government's matching donation. Don't worry, this is only the beginning.

See, in the midst of a failing world economy, Canada is holding her own. We have the means to give, and we are doing it. I am so impressed with how this disaster has been handled by our leaders. I am so grateful to be citizen of a nation that is stable enough to be able to lift the hands that hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees. We have a connection to Haiti through a sliver of our population. But more than that, we have a connection to Haiti through our hearts, cuz they are people just like us. They need help so we give. 'Nuff said.

I AM CANADIAN!!!!

And I've never been so proud to be a part of the true north, strong and free.

Help Haiti - NOW

2010-01-25T23:56:00.008-07:00

I was supposed to be flying to Haiti today. I was going down with my dad as a part of a humanitarian aid group to help a group of orphanages. Due to some coordination issues, the trip was postponed.

Funny how things work out.

Before the quake in Haiti, many people were without food on a daily basis. There was no public infrastructure. No plumbing or electricity, no sewage control or clean water supply. Many lived in cardboard slums amidst the poorly constructed cinder-block buildings and over-crowded streets. There were over 400 000 orphans, with limited options in a society ridden with disease, danger, and corruption.

Now multiply that by a devastating 7.0 earthquake.

Haiti needs our help now more than ever. They simply have NOTHING. No one has food or clean water. The meager temporal belongings they had are buried in the rubble. Most hospitals, homes, and government buidlings collasped. The aftershocks continue and fear is rampant. Who knows how many new orphans there are now? There is looting, rioting, death, crippling injury, fear, and pain everywhere.

And yet... they still have hope. Haitians have survived hundreds of years of being pillaged by natural and political disasters. In spite of being the poorest nation in the western hemisphere, they are a modest and self-respecting people. And in spite of the anguish they are experiencing now, they still pray and sing in the streets.

Many different countries have come to the aid of Haiti. Some sooner than others, and in varying sums, but the important part is that someone is there. Haiti couldn't survive alone before, we cannot abandon her now. These are people who need help, and we are people with the means to provide it.

"It's the spirit of generosity that is part of who we are as Canadians. It's part of our history. Our country was built with, for, and by people who share. We're not solo artists. We're team players." -George Stroumboulopoulos

Millions of dollars have been raised. The Canadian government is even matching every dollar Canadians donate!! So everything we give is doubled. Yesterday I gave 5 bucks at the clothing store H&M. First the store will match the money, then the goverment will match that money, and $20 just went to Haiti. For a country where the average daily wage is about $6, that will make a difference. Every bit does.

That is just the beginning of my donations - and I make next to nothing! But that is more than Haitians have, so I give.

Canada for Haiti has raised nearly $13 million in addition to the $50 million raised previously. That is about $2 for EVERY single Canadian. And the numbers are still growing. Isn't that awesome?!! I am so very proud to be Canadian right now!!

"When the world is struck by a tragedy, the likes of which we are seeing right now in Haiti, it suddenly becomes a lot smaller and we realize just how close we really are. As Canadians, we come from all walks of life, from different backgrounds and different means. But one thing we have incommon is our tremendous generosity of spirit. It is to that spirit that I am appealing now when I ask you to please give and give as much as you can. Because at the end of the day, I can't think of anything more Canadian than that." -Michael J. Fox

I don't care who you are, where you are from, or what prejudices you have. Give to help Haiti. There are many reliable organizations that will put your contribution to good work for Haitians. I know it's a recession and all that. But if you have a roof over your head and you eat every day, you can afford to give to people who don't. We are all people, all part of a world community, and it's times like these that push the other issues aside to provide help to those who need it most. We cannot wait, we must take action and give. When all is said and done, I hope a lot more is done than said.

I may not have much, but I will continue to give to Haiti. After the initial crisis ends, the rebuild must begin and it won't be easy. They will need us more than ever. But I believe they can rebuild. And from this disaster a great nation will rise, built by people who love, work, share, and believe.

I did not fly to Haiti today, but my money is going. Along with my prayers for peace and comfort to a people who need them so very much.

Another year gone by...

2010-01-19T23:58:00.002-07:00

How the heck does my life seem to drag on, then all of a sudden I am year older?? I loved being 27. 2009 was a great year. It's really kinda hard to let them go.

So I tried to fly under the radar today. Didn't make any big plans, just did a few things to treat myself. If I've learned anything from single life, it's that you can't expect anyone else to make you happy, you just have to decide you're gonna be. Besides, no one knows what I like better than me:)

So today I worked out with Bob Harper and my Biggest Loser peeps. I watched Regis and Kelly and drank vanilla milk. I read and listened to inspirational stories about relief efforts in Haiti and the Olympic torch relay across Canada. I bought myself a couple books I really want to read and some shirts that will still look cute when I get fit again. I went to lunch with my family. I took a nap. I watched a wonderful Disney movie with my nephews. (Princess and the Frog deserves to be a classic) And I sang out loud to my favorite songs.

There were a few frustrations in the midst of that goodness, but also some happy surprises. My mom, little brother, and some close friends made extra efforts to brighten my day, which was awesome. I heard from a few long lost friends. I had a facebook page overflowing with greetings. And I got a very generous financial boost from my aunt. I am so very blessed!

So although technically I am older and stuff, I really just feel very fortunate to be who I am, have the life I do, and know the people I know. I feel like I still have so much to learn, so many things to experience, and so many more people to love.

And now I look forward to another year full of possibilities! 28 is looking pretty good after all:)

Sanity

2010-01-17T23:18:00.002-07:00

My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ
Yoga
Babies
Friends who still call
Funny movies with hot leading men and super happy endings
Chocolate

Another week in my world... Bring it on.

The Blind Side

2010-01-13T22:59:00.011-07:00

I just saw a most incredible movie. It is the story of a family who saw beyond their own needs and took in homeless teenager. But it became so much more than that. They gave him hope for a future. He gave them so, so much more. I am almost speechless. There was so much love, just emanating from the characters. And these are real people!!
This is exactly why I want to teach!! I want to be a Leigh Anne Tuohy. I want to take all the beautiful life experience and love that I have been blessed with in my life, and help some kid know how wonderful he really is. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to get things done.
This story is so inspirational, and the best part is that it is true! You don't have to be a millionaire to help someone. You just have to be willing to stand up for what's right, believe in people, and love like it's never gonna hurt. You have to have faith. Trust in people; see their potential.

See the movie, read the book, but most of all, live the love. There are so many people out there who need what you have to give.

2010-01-11T12:00:00.005-07:00

"Let us remember, too, that greatness is not always a matter of the scale of one’s life, but of the quality of one’s life. True greatness is not always tied to the scope of our tasks, but to the quality of how we carry out our tasks whatever they are. In that attitude, let us give our time, ourselves, and our talents to the things that really matter now, things which will still matter a thousand years from now."
-Spencer W. Kimball

What would I do without Sunday?

2010-01-10T23:18:00.003-07:00

It is my day to recharge, spiritually and physically for the week ahead. I love, love, love Sundays! So why was today so great?

I got to teach today. I learn so much through teaching and testifying of truth! And I love to see people's eyes light up as the spirit touches their hearts.
I took a 2-hour nap. GLORIOUS!! I love naps :)
I ate delicious grapes from Chile. Isn't it amazing that in the dead of Canadian winter I can eat fresh produce grown halfway around the world?
I got to listen to an apostle speak during the CES broadcast. His words gave me so much hope, which is just what I needed.
The sky was clear, and the stars were amazing! I love that we live far enough from the city that we can see billions of stars so clearly. Someday I will know more than 3 constellations :)
I almost got a calling!! I haven't had a real calling in over a year, but since I could not promise to be here till the end of September, it's a no go :( Fortunately, the Primary president still wants me to help, so I am now unofficially the Primary music director. YAY!!!

And a few more reasons I have to be happy:

-I got to watch some great films in my dad's theatre this week, including 'Gone with the Wind' and 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid' which I had never seen before. Classics! On the big screen! Awesome!!

-I got to hang out with my little brother, one-on-one, a couple times this week. He is such a fun guy when he's not playing video games!

-I have a plan!! I am in the process of preparing for the GRE and doing grad school applications. I'm gonna be a teacher! With a Master's degree! And I also have a big job interview coming up that will help me pay for it all. Things are looking up, and most importantly, I finally feel good about my life!!!

And now, for another week. Bring it on!!

Just a little crush

2010-01-06T14:02:00.002-07:00

I think every girl needs a crush. It gives you something happy to think about any time you need it. For married girls, crushin' on your hubby keeps the fun alive. For us single chicas, it keeps the dream of finding that 'someone' alive.
I've recently developed a crush on a pretty interesting guy. Trick is, I've never met him, he is semi-famous, and lives about a thousand miles away. But it doesn't much matter, cuz crushin' on him brightens my day and rekindles my hope, which is just what I need right now.
Besides, I COULD meet him someday... you just never know :)

A year in review

2010-01-06T12:24:00.001-07:00

I currently find myself in a situation very similar to one year ago. I was unemployed, rather lost, and temporarily living with my parents while I tried to sort out my next step in life. Although not far from that situation again, I am much more at peace with it all this year. I have a plan, it is much more realistic, and I am wiser (I think).

I decided that since 2008 was pretty rough for me, I was going to make up for it in 2009. And boy did I!! I have had a most amazing year. I have been places and met people and experienced things I had always dreamed of, yet never imagined possible. I was left speechless, breathless, and motionless on multiple occasions. I stored up a truckload of great stories to tell the kids some day, and took over 5000 photos to support the tales.

Here are my favorite moments of 2009:

Re-connecting with some wonderful old friends, and the awesome meals and conversations we shared
Working at Disneyland Paris

Paris Institute and the Chinese-speaking Elders

Kissing under the Eiffel Tower

The spectacular lightning storm over Venice

Playing at Disneyland Paris with some fab American friends

My first Jason Mraz concert

Celebrating the 4th of July with a bunch of Europeans at Parc Asterix
Exploring Versailles with my bestest best friend and eating a raspberry from Marie Antoinette's garden
Being thought French, twice:)

Boat tours down the river Seine

Eiffel Tower fireworks on Bastille day
Real crêpes

Dancing under the stars with my Frenchman

Attending Campus with the French YSA

Climbing to the top of monuments, mountains, and towers in several countries

Sunsets!! -from the mountains of Cinque Terre in Italy, the top of the Arc de Triomphe, at the Eiffel Tower, on the beach in Tel Aviv

Going to church at the BYU center in Jerusalem

4 sessions in one day at the Madrid Temple

The beach in France, Israel, Belgium, Spain, Holland

Staying in the honeymoon suite of my hotel

Learning to understand Spanish and Italian
A million wonderful people who made my day: co-workers, guests, old friends, new international friends, family, church leaders, missionaries, new babies, little kids....

Catching up with my cousin Cathy and her kids
Meeting my newest nephew, Miles Conrad Harper, and spending a wonderful week with him and his parents.
Taking piano lessons again

Singing with my family for the Christmas program at church

Date nights with my Rugama nephews

Discovering my career path and the decision to attend grad school

Interviewing with Disney Cruise Line

All the good news from friends and family getting engaged, married, graduating, or having babies.

See? 2009 was a great year! And I have every intention to make 2010 even better.

My life is a great adventure. I have been so blessed! Right now, I'm just taking a pit stop - but I think I'm on the right track. And with all that fun behind me, who knows what tomorrow might bring??

Look for what is good and you will find it.

2009-12-29T20:12:00.004-07:00

My sister gave me this fab quotebook for Christmas. It's called 'Live Good' and is filled with positive reminders to live - good. I love inspirational quotes, I love goodness, and I love remembering why I'm still fighting for my dreams. So I thought I'd share a quote from the book every so often, to inspire me. I hope it'll give you another reason to live good, too :)

Wonderful Christmastime

2009-12-24T12:40:00.005-07:00

This was me on Christmas day 2008.

This is me this year...

Though I miss the real sunshine in my life, and my life is not exactly what I want it to be right now, I have much to be grateful for this year.

I can sing, and I LOVE to sing Christmas music, especially the spiritual ones. I love to testify of my Savior's birth and life and light through song. And I honestly think my voice sounds ten times better when I sing sacred music.
I sleep beside a natural gas fireplace:)
Hoodies and comfy, cozy pajama pants.
I can buy just about anything I want to eat at the grocery store 10 minutes away. And we have a fancy new stove to cook it all with. Not everyone gets to eat everyday...
I bake like a little Betty Crocker, and hardly use recipes anymore.
The frost makes all the trees in our yard sparkle in the morning. I love sparkly things!
I have the bestest best friend in the world, who keeps track of me wherever my crazy life takes me and loves me in spite of myself.
The little people at church think I'm cool. They are little rockstars:)
Four handsome nephews who love me, and I adore them!
I still speak french and understand spanish and that's just cool.
My dad's movie theatre. I got to serve popcorn to little kids twice last week, have seen 5 movies for fre and eaten way to much candy, soda and fresh buttered popcorn.
After 2 piano lessons I can play 2 Christmas carols!
My cute clothes that still fit. Cute shoes. French scarves. Jewelry from Italy, Spain, Israel, Peru...
Body for Life: my most trusty and reliable weight loss plan that is waiting just around the corner for me in 2010.
Hot chocolate
Missionaries
Love. I have been so loved by so many good people at different times in my life. I'm grateful I know how it feels to love and be loved.
My nephew decided to be baptized next month, and I get to help teach him. He is stellar:)
The gospel of Jesus Christ is part of my life everyday!! I love it, I live it, and I would glady die for it. He lives, He loves us, and this is the best time to tell the whole wide world!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! JOYEUX NOËL!! FELIZ NAVIDAD!! ZALIG KERSTFEAST!! FELIZ NATAL!! FRÖHLICHE WEIHNACHTEN!! NADOLIG LLAWEN!!

"Of all times, it is Christmas when we must surely realize that there can be no true worship of Him who is the Christ without giving of ourselves. At this season let us, each one, reach out a little more generously in the spirit of the Christ. It is not enough to give toys and baubles. It is not enough to give alms to those in need. That is important, yes. But it is also important that we give of ourselves with our alms. May the real meaning of Christmas distill into our hearts, that we may realize that our lives, given us by God our Father, are really not our own, but are to be used in the service of others." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Yay

2009-12-23T00:57:00.006-07:00

Today began and ended on 2 rather frustrating notes. However, in between the 2, I secured tickets to a Michael Buble concert in Salt Lake City in March.
That means I get to visit some awesome people, and see an amazing concert of this beautiful man with my bestest friend in the world. And that happy thought makes up for all the other grrrrs of today :)

I have a big fatty crush on Michael Bublé...

2009-12-11T12:24:00.007-07:00

My life is a lot less than what I want it to be right now, so to keep myself positive and believing in my dreams, I drown myself in good music and fun movies. It helps me survive reality.

Recently I have been eating up every note from this crooner, and realized that I actually have all his albums... He is adorable and I love his voice - and he's a fellow Canadian! Anyway, his latest is fab, especially a really fun song he wrote himself. It really reminds me to have hope and just keeps moving forward. We'll just pretend it's about me ;)

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in. I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.
I tried so very hard not to loose it; I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility...

I might have to wait. I’ll never give up.
I guess it's half timin' and the other half's luck.
Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come outta nowhere and into my life.
And I know that we can be so amazin'.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
... Yeah bein' in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility!

Someday I know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
Promise you kid I’ll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet...

Yep, love him :)

(Pretty sure if I could find a guy with a boyish grin and dreamy pipes like Bublé, I'd be totally okay with marrying a Canadian boy. And Maybe Ryan Reynolds' bod... ;) just saying! There are some fine Canadians out there! lol)

Age is relative

2009-12-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I drove the 2+ hours to Edmonton, got all done up, and went on a date. I was nervous and excited, but I love getting pretty! We had to do a few loops of the city to gather our dates and get to our dinner, but it was so yummy and a fun time. We got to the dance pretty late, and it ended an hour earlier than expected. (If you know of my love for dancing and the 2 months since I last did... you'll understand how tragic that was!!) So we mingled a little, then took our dates home and went to bed.

All in all in was an enjoyable evening. For my first major venture into the Edmonton YSA social scene, I think I did okay, though I'm not sure that there will be many others. Most importantly, I learned something valuable from my date.

From what my friend told me about him, and his pictures, he seemed fun and cute. And in reality he was a nice enough guy. He had the potential to be interesting. However, I was totally uncomfortable with him. It was a struggle to carry on a conversation!!

And it was all in his ATTITUDE!! At 26 years old, he has already given up on singles wards, and casually attends a family unit. He doesn't like to stay up past 10pm cuz it makes him cranky the next day. He said that he didn't bother socializing because it was all meaningless smalltalk, and no one would remember what he said anyway. Several similar negative statements later, I had realized something about myself:

I AM AWESOME!!

I'm really not that old at all! My age may be higher in digits, but I am still positive, vibrant, and alive! I get excited for dates and new experiences. I look forward to the small joys of life. I love learning about people. I thrive on good conversation. I love good music, dancing, and laughing. I love cheesy jokes and teasing. Although I have been to hundreds of YSA activities, I still make an effort to go when I can. I'm open to possibilities, and always up for an adventure! I try not to have expectations, but I like to give people and situations the benefit of the doubt.

Perhaps all my years of trial and error on the LDS YSA scene have given me that perspective - instead of becoming bitter like my date. Well thank heaven!

I am cute and fun and interesting! And someday that will be enough to catch the eye of the kind of man that I want to build eternity with. He won't be intimidated by my travels or life experience. Age will be just a number that doesn't even register with him. We'll be comfortable together, interested in each other's worlds, and inspired to be better with, and for one another.

Yep. He will be awesome. Just like me:)

My brother is officially a geek

2009-11-25T23:46:00.003-07:00

This evening our dining room was taken over by my little brother and his friends as they discussed the latest video game releases, and played dungeons and dragons. They chowed down on soda pop and potatoe chips during their weekly geek out, then finished the night with a round of stupid-funny videos on YouTube. Woohoo.
Although it's a little foreign to me, I definitely prefer this to the alternative activities that occupy the lives of far too many 18-year-olds. But wow... it was so bizarre!

One small trip; one giant leap for my social life.

2009-11-25T14:57:00.017-07:00

In an attempt to get out of my boring world and fake a social life, I went to Edmonton last weekend. It is the nearest big city, about 2 hours away, and there are a lot of YSAs. I also have a lot of family in the city, plus several of the stores I love, and the temple.

So on Saturday I got to go to Ikea and Old Navy (where I got some SWEET deals), and did a session at the temple. It was very busy: a wedding outside, a youth baptisms trip, and a young fiancee receiving her own endowment, surrounded by family. Happy! I was already pretty content with my shopping and all, but the experience I had at the temple was exactly what I needed. I felt so loved! I'm telling you, God knows us individually, and the temple truly is a sacred place where He can communicate with us more directly. AMAZING!!

That evening I got to catch up with Chelsa, an old friend who is such a doll. We talked and talked and talked and watched 'One fine day.' What better way to cap off a great day then with the young and dreamy George Clooney? :)

Sunday I attended her singles ward and was reminded how fun and interesting that environment is. And they are pretty much the same wherever you go. I need to get back into that scene one of these days...

I spent monday with my cousin Cathy and her 2 little ones. They are about the most active and adventurous kids under 3 I have ever met. So fun! We took them to a play place, crawled through the tunnels with them, talked, ate, and had a grand ol' time. Cathy and I are about the same age, but we haven't spent much time together in a very long time. And motherhood has made her even more awesome, so it was a great visit.

They all want me to move to Edmonton, but I just can't get my head around it. I don't know why but it doesn't feel right... Plus it snows even more there than here! I'm sure there will be many more visits though. Sanity only lasts so long without a recharge.

And this weekend was perfectly that :)

But then the fun continued...

See, there is a YSA Preference formal this coming weekend. Chelsa is going and really wanted me to go too. With my love of dressing up and dances and parties, how could I resist?? The only problem was the date. I know no one... (well almost no one, but the almost is simply not an option)

So Chelsa opened up her facebook friends list and we went shopping.(haha!) She showed me a few guys who were nice, or funny, then she all of a sudden she was like, "Wait, this guy is awesome!! He's so fun, and he's cute!"

She wasn't lying, he's certainly attractive. And approximately my age. And, judging by the photos, way fun.

Hmmm...

So she messaged him to see if he had been asked, and if he was up for a blind date. And a few days later, I got myself a date to the dance. He is a brave soul.

And I'm totally excited!!!

I'll let you know how it goes...

2009-11-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

"Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

(Story of my life! Good thing I love to dance... cuz the storms can get pretty overwhelming.)

Glimpses

2009-11-15T17:09:00.014-07:00

I believe God gives us little moments, every so often, to remind us what it is that we are working towards. It's these little tastes of pure happiness that help us push through the daily frustrations and little miseries that make the accomplishments of such goals seem so far away and nearly impossible.

This past week was one of those glimpses for me. I got to spend many precious hours feeding, burping, changing, observing, snuggling with, and simply loving my adorable nephew Miles. He is just 11 weeks old, but he is such a strong, sweet, beautiful baby. And he's still so close to heaven! We shared some pretty awesome moments, and that little dude got me teary-eyed on several occasions. I love, love, love him!!! (How can you not?!? Look at that smile!)

The highlight of my week, was Friday night. We gave his parents the night off and I took care of him. He spent the most of the night sleeping soundly in my arms (I know, I spoiled him). It was wonderful. (Thank you soooooo much Terrah and Tyler!! You guys are the best!!)

I want so much to be a mom. I ache to have a child of my own. However, I currently lack the highly important other half to that equation... I hope and pray that I will have the opportunity to have my own sweet little babies someday. And if they are half as wonderful as little Miles, I will be the happiest momma around!

In the meantime, I thank heaven for the glimpses.

Tomorrow!!!

2009-11-08T23:26:00.005-07:00

I get to meet my nephew Miles tomorrow. Isn't he ADORABLE?!?!?

I'm so excited!!!

And he's bringing his parents so I get to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law too.

YAY:)

All growed up

2009-11-08T22:39:00.009-07:00

Last night I went to the wedding of a friend from high school. It was the first time that I was actually home to attend one of their weddings. It was like walking back in time, or into the Twilight Zone... But it was also really fun. I got to catch up with several of the dozen girls who went through most of school with me.

I soon discovered that I am the only one who speaks a foreign language, the only one who went to university outside of Alberta, and the only one who hasn't settled down within 2 hours of where we all grew up. I am also the only member of the church, and ironically, I am the only one who isn't married and having babies. That kinda made me a little sad, but I am so happy for them.

One friend, who is a total sweetheart and has been trying for years to have a baby, finally got pregnant. She is thrilled, and I couldn't be happier for them. She hasn't changed at all, in so many good ways. Love this girl:)

The plus side is that being away has allowed me to forget any bad experiences with these people. I enjoy some more than others, but I missed out on all the drama. So I get to just enjoy them for who they are now.

I long for the day when I can share my own husband-and-baby stories, but I don't regret a thing. I am grateful for the people and experiences that have made me who I am. I am so grateful for all the places I have been and the opportunities that have enlightened my life. I have learned so much.

And someday, I will be a great mom because of it!! Till then, I hold to what I know, trust the Lord, and enjoy all the great women, beautiful babies, and fun little people around me:)

The one and only

2009-11-08T21:56:00.007-07:00

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ!! I love seeing people embrace it!! I love the good people who joyfully serve and work to share it!!

Since being home 2 people have been baptized, I have done proxy endowment sessions, I have worked with the missionaries, I have listened to and read the past year's conference talks(yay for the November Ensign!!!), I attended stake conference, I got to share my own testimony on several occasions, and I was present as a family with a wild and crazy background was sealed in the holy temple. HAPPY!!!!!

I love my Savior. I know He lives! I know God the Father loves me and has a plan for me. Even when nothing makes sense to me, I know it's all part of His plan, and therefore it will all work out eventually. Elder Henry B. Eyring said:

"Hard as things seem today, they will be better in the next day if you choose to serve the Lord this day."

Isn't that awesome?!? If you don't know what I know, or maybe you forgot, check out this link.

http://jesuschrist.lds.org/SonOfGod/eng/the-only-true-god/video/the-only-true-god-and-jesus-christ-whom-he-hath-sent

http://www.lds.org/

This is Christ's church, and it's alive and well in the hearts and lives of good people everywhere. I am so blessed to know that! It's what makes this crazy life worth living.

Preach and teach and work.... and play!

2009-11-03T00:56:00.004-07:00

I have always loved missionaries. As I got older, and then served a mission myself, I saw Elders in a discerning light, and loved the good ones even more. And as I got older, they were even younger.

The current Elders in my branch are certainly good ones. In fact, these guys are the closest I have to friends-in-the-flesh right now. Elder Holder and Elder Saunders both grew up in Idaho, are on the homestretch, and are really great guys. Maybe it's cuz they are American so we understand each other. Maybe its cuz they are really funny, energetic guys, with incredible love and devotion to the gospel and to their callings. Or maybe it's because they harass me like my guy friends used to. Either way, I am so grateful for them. They have helped us with a lot of work on the house, and we have fed them a lot too:) They came out for a bonfire at our place last week and gave me roman candles to shoot off. The other day, after a morning snowfall and installing a support beam in the basment, they totally ambushed me in a snowball fight. I'm pretty sure I have bruises!

I am so grateful for them. They don't ask me questions I don't have answers to, they just joke with me, respect me, and thank me for being awesome:) They are just what I need right now. And I'm sure they have no idea. I just wish I could hug them! lol

Home is a relative term

2009-11-02T23:28:00.006-07:00

What I thought would be a safe and happy landing in a place I knew and was comfortable in - well, wasn't. My parents weren't even in the country when I got here. Honestly, if I had known what I was coming back to, I probably would have stayed longer in France. Good thing I didn't know! Cuz in spite of the discomfort and frustration, I know I am needed here. There is soooo much work to do, and of course, dad wants to do it himself. So I am free labour, and expert home decorating advisor:)

I have had to re-define my idea of 'home.' The house I knew and grew up in, is now but a shell, literally. All the walls of the basement were torn out, and the floor jack-hammered and re-poured. The living room and kitchen have been swapped. Doors became windows and stairs now enter on the opposite side of the basement. Since I no longer have a room, I sleep in a camp trailer. However, since it is already starting to freeze, we have to go in the house for any and all plumbing. Yep, just like camping - in Canada - in the winter. Plus, with my travels around Europe, I have now been living out of a suitcase for over 2 months. Joy.

Where my room used to be

The basement

The new kitchen

I've gotten used to disappointment. I'm no stranger to being alone. I've been in odd situations before. But that doesn't make it any more enjoyable now!

I felt so much peace about coming back to Canada. For the first time ever, I wanted to be here. Perhaps this rocky homecoming is a way of reminding me that I really don't have a place here. I'm sure I can contribute to my family and church. I can learn new things like spanish, piano, and basic home renovation. I go to the gym and help the missionaries. But before long, there is a halt in progression, because I'm learning it all alone.

This town is a great place for young families. There are good people here. They are nice people. But they are too busy with their kids, careers, homes, and callings to really be my friends. They are in different places in their lives. If I was married, I think I could even put up with the winters. But as a single young adult, there is no future. I have zero dating possibilities here.

I was totally fine with being single when I was in France. I could pretty much go wherever, and do whatever I wanted to, and I had tons of diverse friends to keep life interesting. In Orlando, I was in a place I loved, close to the temple and the beach, and I had great friends around to play and eat and dance with. But when all the friends are miles away and the communication is slim to none, suddenly I feel very, very single and very, very alone.

And once again, the only place to go in to your knees. My prayers are stilled filled with gratitude, but they are longer, and accompanied by many more tears.

I hate feeling pathetic and lost. I don't like all the questions I don't have answers to. I hate looking like a failure, and disappointing my parents. I feel out of control of my life.

So I try to stay positive and count my blessings. I serve. I remind myself of all the amazing things I have seen. I focus my energies on achieving goals and progressing, in spite of my residential or relationship status.

And someday I will establish my own 'home.' It will be somewhere I can feel safe and loved. Where I can progress and learn, but also serve and teach and share. My home will be a haven of peace and positivity where the spirit can dwell, and where all who enter can find a shelter from the storms of the world. It will be a place filled with memories and souvenirs of the people, places, and adventures that have made me who I am. It will be a daily celebration of life, family, and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Someday I will find it. For now, I guess I'm learning patience - again.

Homeward Bound

2009-10-10T04:22:00.005-06:00

"Another summer day has come and gone away in Paris and Rome, but I wanna go home..."

For the first time in my life, I understand exactly the lyrics of this song. It made me cry the other day. And for the first time since I moved out nearly 9 years ago, I am so happy to go home.

In just 5 days, I will be back on Canadian soil, having completed another chapter of my life, and ready to figure out the next one. The french chapter turned out to be a little shorter than expected, but I really feel good about all that I have learned and experienced and become while here. I have been soooooooo blessed!! And all because my life turned upside down, I finally hit bottom, and turned it all over to the Lord.

I have never felt so much peace and confidence in the midst of so much uncertainty. I am homeless, jobless, broke, and single..... and I feel great:)

I will soon have a little more time on my hands to catch you up on all my adventures and insights of the past months, and I look forward to re-living it a little. I cannot express how bewildered I am by all this. I feel so humbled. I never would have imagined myself at this point a year ago, and I can't wait to see where I'll be a year from now!

Thank you for all your encouragement, support, contact, and well-wishes. I truly have some of the best friends in the world - all over the world!!

I don't think I'll ever stop counting my blessings, there are far too many. And all this came from one of the most devastating experiences of my life. God truly is a God of miracles, and His plan is perfect!

We are family

2009-09-23T15:18:00.003-06:00

I am currently staying with a fabulous Colombian family, the Londonos, in between my travel days. I have known them since my mission, and I seem to fit right in! They are all such warm, happy, loving people, and have been so kind to open their home to me. I may not be here very often, but when I am I know I can totally relax and feel at home.
Today, after a long day of flying and bus rides and hauling my suitcases all over the countryside, I finally got home just before 6pm. I was gone just one week while visiting Israel. As I walked in the door, I was meant by all 5 kids, ranging in age from 2 to 17. They were all full of hugs and kisses and so happy to see me and hear about my trip. I felt so loved!! Talk about a warm welcome. That is what home should be. I love these people and their righteous examples. I'm so grateful for the time I have to spend with them.
Plus they help me with my spanish:) Muy bien!

The irony of it all

2009-08-31T17:24:00.005-06:00

My blog is named appropriately, because I love to take whatever opportunities come my way, and make even the little things into adventures. I'm all about meeting new people and discovering new things, whether in a foreign country or just down the street. I don't tend to sit still for long.

Unfortunately, I am often so busy planning and having my adventures, that I don't have time to write about them! And my hard drive is literally overflowing with pictures, so I don't even have room to add all the new ones. Lame, I know.

So instead, you get the random ramblings and reflections from the down time in between. Sorry... someday I'll fill you in on all the exciting stuff!

P.S. I'm an aunt again! My newest nephew Miles is a stud, and I can't wait to meet him. Now there's an adventure I look forward to: parenthood. For now, I leave it to Terrah and Tyler to master, then they can laugh at me when it's finally my turn ;) Yay for babies!!!

2009: International Year of the Wedding

2009-08-02T18:19:00.000-06:00

So many of my friends have gotten married this year. That's pretty normal. I am 27, so my remaining single peers are of prime marrying age. I also belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so marriage and family are high priorities, and sex happens only after marriage. Every spring brings a new round of wedding announcements. However this year has been especially interesting in the nuptial realm. Recently, so many of my good friends who have been through a lot of life, are a little older, and truly deserve the incredible joy of beginning forever with the love of their lives, are the ones getting married.

I think that is awesome.

These are people who have spent years alone, trying to be happy and productive, but never dating and wondering why. These are people who have struggled with their faith, their health, and family issues. Some have been previously engaged, survived devastating break-ups, and learned to trust and love again.

I know everyone has hard times and everyone deserves to be happy in spite of them. But it is especially gratifying, happy and faith-building to see really wonderful people finally find someone who sees just how wonderful they are, and wants to love them forever too. It's awesome to see so many friends with a little 'life experience,' find their 'other half' and be joined with them eternally. The only thing that would make it happier, would be being there with them, but at least I have the photos:)

Honestly, on my hardest days, when life doesn't make sense and I feel alone or unwanted, hearing about these sweet love stories and seeing the beautiful pictures reminds me of what I'm working towards. They give me hope that someday it might work out for me too! That's what all the waiting, working, hoping, hurting, healing, and taking chances are for. The possibility of forever. Finding your 'partner in crime,' 'soul mate,' 'best friend,' and 'cohort.' It's being complete.
I am not in a place in my life for this for happen for me now (literally, I live in France!), but I know it will happen someday, and it will be sooooo worth it! In the meantime, I share in the happiness of my well-deserving friends. Congratulations and lots of love to you all!

Amy's lament

2009-08-02T17:33:00.004-06:00

In a matter of 24 hours, I went from the peak of perfect health to dealing with the worst head cold ever. I could barely swallow cuz of the razor blades hacking at my throat, and I woke up every couple hours to spit so I could breath. Sorry, gross, but true. My head pounded and my body ached. And of course, all this settled in on my days off.
After a trip to the local pharmacie, I spent Saturday guzzling herbal tea, doping up on ibuprofen and decongestant, sneezing, fending off hot flashes and chills, experimenting with nasal spray, and coughing up nastiness. (for those of you that have lived with me, this is about 10 times worse than my regular flem-fest)
Although my throat has calmed, my head is still as blocked up as ever. I feel like Adelaide, from 'Guys and Dolls' and I don't think she's too far off. Maybe it's just the feeling I'm getting too old....
Maybe I need to eat more veggies.
Or maybe I'm just exhausted and my immune system has gone on strike.
I'm gonna go with the last one. Although I'm sure my legal single status isn't helping my cold - even if it's more than just psychosomatic symptoms! lol

2009-08-02T16:58:00.003-06:00

This weekend The Paula Nelson Band played at a country saloon/club at Disneyland Paris. They stayed at my hotel. I made a new key and walked her to her room. She signed a free CD for me. They were so American, so chill, and so nice. It was like being back home in cowboy country and actually made me really happy. Who knew that I would miss all that??

So who is Paula Nelson, you ask? Don't worry, I didn't know either, and I'm the token American at the hotel.

Well, she is a country singer, a super nice lady, and just happens to be country legend Willie Nelson's daughter.

And I had to be working at Disneyland Paris to figure all that out. Yeehaw.

http://www.paulanelsonband.com/

All in a day's work

2009-08-02T16:54:00.003-06:00

Today was a great day.
I got to go to church and drink in the love, testimony, gratitude, and spirit of God that filled the building. I got to catch up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I got to take the sacrament, ponder, pray and sing. And I got lots of hugs and bisous. Yay.

I went straight from church to work, which I started an hour later than normal – so that I could attend church. Because of this, I got a private briefing with my favorite manager. This is the second time just the 2 of us, and we talked for about a half hour – it could have lasted hours and I wouldn’t have complained! He is the most adorably charming French man I have ever met, and quite honestly makes me weak in the knees, in his own humble way. Moving on…

My very first check-in tonight was a Spanish family. Normally they can be a little impatient and disorganized and though I love them, they make me crazy sometimes! Plus, fresh off my days off, my Spanish comprehension was less than stellar. So I warned them about my “poco espanol,” laughed and smiled a lot, gave them all the goods, and survived the check-in. Then they gave me a 10€ tip. I was so confused. That is so not spanish, and besides that, I couldn’t even tell if they liked me! Apparently all the smiling and terribly pronounced, made up verbs are endearing. Muy bien!

For dinner I ate mixed vegetables and barley that were soooo yummy. I know it sounds goofy, but it made me happy. I got home, and actually had the food I was craving. And there are 3 types of ice cream in my freezer. Who wouldn’t be happy about that?!

2 of my favorite work friends just left on vacation, but tonight I got to visit with about a dozen other equally awesome people. Since I worked the mid shift, I got to see people from both the morning and evening shifts. I like getting a little taste of all the different work we do, and the people we cater to. If my job was in America, I could do it for years! Even on the slow nights it’s never boring. And I love my work peeps (almost all of them!). They make me laugh, and we have the most strange and interesting conversations. I want us all to move to Florida. That would so totally rock!

A little girl gave me a sketch of Mickey as a thank you on her way out. So sweet!
I also got a card full of guest compliments and a letter from my management saying that I have been mentioned 5 times now. I would’ve been nice to know when and by whom, but at least I know someone appreciates my efforts!

So yeah, it was a good day, even though I had to work on a Sunday. Can’t wait to see wait the rest of the week holds….

En francais, s'il vous plait!

2009-08-01T11:43:00.003-06:00

So the french are pretty protective of their language. They even have something called the French Academy that basically polices the language. It doesn't make it in the dictionary unless they say so. They are especially weary of all the english words and slang sneeking into the daily french vocabulary. So to make it truly, officially french, they change the spelling.
Example: splatch and smatch. Yep, those are words in french, and they mean what they look like: splash and smash. But they are spelled differently and that makes it officially acceptable french. Or maybe it's just cuz they can't say the "sh" sound so they go for a "ch."
Hmmmm....

Mamma Mia!!!

2009-07-24T19:13:00.003-06:00

Today I discovered the movie version of Mamma Mia, and I fell in love! I subsequently watched it 3 times. It is so fun and uplifting and inspiring! The men are beautiful, the women hilarious, and the scenery breath-taking. I totally loved all the fun ABBA music and high-energy dancing, and it made me feel a part of the story. Now that's what a movie ought to be - it takes you out of your own world, and lets you live in a different one for a couple hours.

I tell you what, it made me ever so slightly sad, for a few reasons. I just ache for my best friends! I hate that the women who know and love me most are so very far away. No matter how many people you know, sometimes a girl just needs her besties!

I really would love to find my own man - like, the forever kind. A combination of the men in the movie would be great: a man who looks great in a swimsuit like Sky, ages as well as Pierce Brosnan, has a boat, sings passionately, and loves me enough to chase me down on the other side of the world even 20 years later. Adorable! I'm not seeking perfection, I just want to find someone I can love more than anything in the world - who loves me back the same way. Is that really too much to ask?lol

And oh my goodness, I have to go to Greece someday. It is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!!! Hopefully I'll get to go there with that dreamy man I'm gonna find soon ;)

Amy, we love you, don't go back to Canada!

2009-07-20T17:16:00.003-06:00

That's what one of my coworkers said to me tonight - in english! It was so sweet! And my favorite manager has noticed my good work lately, and was impressed at my knowledge of our hotel and front office operations. He made the comment to another coworker - She is good, but she's leaving us...
It feels good to feel wanted and needed! I feel like I am contributing and have a place. It took a little longer here cuz Europeans are tough to crack, but I finally found it. And I go home in less than 2 months. Yep, that's my life for ya.